Blog Meetup And Happy Yoga Feelings!

Today’s Happy Note: Alicia Keys’ song Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart — it’s just got a really soothing but also penetrating rhythm and oddly makes me really happy. ¬†I’m listening to it on repeat. ūüôā

I swapped today’s eight hilly miles for tomorrow’s rest/yoga because it was blazingly hot/human today! ¬†I did walk about four-ish miles over the course of the day and took a really nice advanced flow yoga class at my favorite studio.

Part of my walk today was with Maggie (Say Yes To Salad)!¬†¬†Lynn of The Actors’s Diet was in town and we had a lovely little meet-up with some of my favorite bloggers, including Ada (NYCollegeEats) and Gabriela (Une Vie Saine). ¬†We had The Lite Choice then strolled then chatted at a new to me cafe where I had a tasty orange carrot juice.

I was having so much fun I never got a group picture! ¬†Above is Ada, Lynn, and reader Danielle. ¬†I love meeting fellow bloggers because we already have something in common and they are almost always sweet, kind, and caring. It’s sort of like you already know one another and genuinely care for one another. ¬†Blog friends are real friends! ūüôā

I loved getting to know everyone better today. ¬†Gabriela and I have gotten to see each other several times now and Ada and I ran the ultra together! I had not met anyone else previously. ¬†I think blogging had really helped expand my social circle, in a good way. ¬†If you’re a blogger (or a reader!), have you made new friends through blogging?

I had a really nice moment in the cafe: I couldn’t decide between an iced tea or a juice. ¬†I had a very tiny appetite at lunch and was starting to feel hungry again (it was late afternoon). ¬†At first I thought to myself “I should just have a plain unsweetened iced tea; why do I deserve to consume extra calories at this time of day for no reason?” ¬†But then I said to myself, damn it, I want a carrot-orange juice. ¬†Not only is freshly squeezed juice full of amazing vitamins and nutrients, it tastes good and I wanted some sustenance. ¬†So there. ¬†Take that, crazy brain.

Sometimes I feel like my silly brain gets in he way of just letting me live. ¬†I am learning how to let go of being so obsessive about everything. ¬†I find that my body fits into its natural size and shape perfectly when I do the least obsessing. ¬†Yoga has taught me that. ¬†I went into class tonight feeling sad and angry (not for any particular reason — they were just random moods) and came out feeling calm again. ¬†I love that my practice constantly reminds me to do the best I can — and that I can only do my best. ¬†Miracles can happen, too, though. ¬†Yoga has given me a nice balance and perspective.

Okay, no more seriousness. ¬†I promise! ¬†Onto some rather delicious eats from today…

This is an almost-empty container of fage 2% with about 2 tablespoons of sunflower seed butter, a handful of grapes and a tablespoon of flax peanut butter. ¬†I have decided that sunflower seed butter and I are in love. ¬†It’s like frosting only better. ¬†I had another several spoonfuls straight from the jar after this bowl. ¬†It has this creamy, full, earthy flavor. ¬†It does sort of taste “healthy”, but in a good way, I think — like raw tofu. ¬†But then again, not everyone loves raw tofu.

I get the weirdest health-food cravings sometimes: in addition to raw tofu, I also crave plain steamed broccoli, spoonfuls of sunflower seed butter, avocados, brown rice, salmon, spinach, and plain nuts.  My body really does know exactly what it needs most of the time.  I like that about myself.

What are your “health-food” cravings? ¬†Or junk food cravings! I don’t judge!

This just might be the best dinner SIAB (Smoothie In A Bowl) I have ever made. ¬†It consisted of a cup of vanilla soy milk, a whole lotta ice, half a banana, a scoop of vanilla whey/soy protein, cinnamon, and half an avocado. ¬†Topped with TJ’s honey roasted nuts (aka crack). ¬†The avocado/vanilla/cinnamon combo is amazing. ¬†Move over sunflower seed butter. ¬†I have a new lover.

I’m feeling surprisingly content right now considering the number of things I have on my mind. ¬†Hmmmm. ¬†I like having a clear head, I suppose — it’s a good feeling.

Goodnight friends!  I hope you all have a most happy Friday.

And thank you for your sweet comments/thoughts yesterday. ūüôā

Mysterious Caronae

Today’s Happy Note: Just got back from Sunday night candlelit yoga. ¬†It’s so romantic and relaxing. ¬†Love it!

Hello hello!  I hope you all had a most wonderful weekend.  I sure did.  What were you all up to?

I went out again last night! ¬†I am really loving my social life right now. ¬†Relationships and connections with people are so healthy for my mind and body and soul. ¬†Friends make the world go round! ¬†I am not and never will be a social butterfly, but I do open up to people eventually when I feel close to them; it’s such a wonderful feeling for me when I start to really share myself with someone.

Marathon Training: Easy four miles yesterday followed by an hour yoga class.  Today was supposed to be a long run, but I was up way too late last night (bad Caronae!) and failed on getting up early.  When I did get up it was way too hot. Runner fail.

Tomorrow morning I’ll do it though, I swear! ¬†It’s only 10 miles so I can definitely get that in before work. Sometimes I actually find it easier to do a long run on a weekday, oddly enough. ¬†I hit up the yoga this evening and did some abs as well.

Weekend eats highlight reel:

I really love my oats to be a bit soupy!

This was dinner.  Giant pile of carrots and cucumbers and a banana-chocolate milk-cinnamon smoothie with roasted nuts.  This was perfect.  I love eating weird dinners.  Good thing I live alone, otherwise I am pretty sure there would be some serious judging going on.  Especially after I did this:

Yes, that is indeed chocolate smoothie with a carrot and a pecan. ¬†Don’t knock it till you try it.

Coming up for the rest of the week:

Therapy Tuesday (maybe — not sure if I’ll talk about it this week or not)

I may or may not reveal what I have been up to and why I have been a bit mysterious lately

School talk (blech!)

Fall plans

Lots of marathon training reports

One year since moving back to NYC check-in! (I moved here in fall 2007 and left from March 2009-August 2009)

Okay, so maybe some of these things are not the most exciting. ¬†Or are really, really vague. ¬†But (a) I’m a woman and (b) it’s my blog, so I can be vague if I want to be!

That’s all I have for tonight my loves.

Workout/Eating Habits

Today’s Happy Note: I’m in tune with my body! ¬†I noticed a lot of other women in yoga class really struggling to connect with their bodies and realized how close I am to my own body. ¬†I wasn’t judging them or anything, just noticing. ¬†I know where my joints are, the way things move. ¬†I have years of gymnastics, running, swimming, and now yoga to thank for this.

Workout: Thought about kick-boxing, but my heart wasn’t in it, so I skipped it and did 30 minutes of seriously heavy arm weights and an hour yoga class at the gym. ¬†I really enjoyed the yoga class at the gym, actually. ¬†Sometimes the studio feels a ¬†little pretentious and tiresome and elitist. ¬†Also walked a mile or two. ¬†I have a hard speed workout for tomorrow so I’m conserving some energy. ūüôā

Workouts are not always going to be joyfully fun, but you shouldn’t ever force yourself to do something that you just don’t want to do. ¬†I have so many friends who ask me things like, “how are you so healthy when you’re so busy?” or “how do you make yourself workout all the time?”

Well, first of all, I think we need to change the way we look at “working out” or “exercising.” ¬†For me, it is not an hour of my day where I drag myself to the gym, force myself to get through a boring routine, and then come home and watch TV. ¬†Working out is a part of my life. ¬†It’s as integrated into the way I live as eating or writing or going to class or work. ¬†Further, I would get pretty tired of working out too if I spent an hour on the elliptical at the gym everyday. I think it’s actually pretty easy to work some movement into your day: it might be an hour and a half walk in the evening or an early yoga class or half an hour of dancing in your room.

It takes anywhere from a few weeks to a few months to form a habit. ¬†I am lucky in that I was very active in high school and carried that pattern relatively easily into college,so I didn’t have to start from scratch (like I have had to with my emotional eating patterns). ¬†Many people struggle to workout in college — but I think of it as a little escape from the schoolwork. ¬†When you look at it as an important part of your day that will help you focus better and think more clearly, you’re less likely to skip out.

Eats:

Look! ¬†My lentils are crawling on my tofu like ants. ¬†I couldn’t help but share my adorable lunch find with my coworkers.

Probably didn’t need the small bowl of granola pictured above right but whatever. ¬†I have found that eating 4-6 (depending on my activity level) meals of about 400 calories each. ¬†A 100-200 calorie snack is always too small for me, while a 600-700 calorie lunch or dinner feels too big. ¬†I am really enjoying this way of eating — I don’t follow any rules or plans and don’t deny myself if I’m hungry. ¬†This just seems to work, for now. ¬†And when it doesn’t work, I’ll change things up.

Goodnight goodnight goodnight! ¬†Time for me to sleep. ¬†Even though I took a nap like five hours ago. ¬†Don’t judge.

Happy Tuesday!

Eating Things In Jars

Today’s Happy Note: Lots of time talking with an awesome friend tonight. ūüôā ¬†Sometimes that is exactly what you need!

Looooonnnngggggg day.  Started at 8:00 AM and ended at 10:00 pm.  In and out of the apartment, at the store, at the office, on the phone, frantically emailing, on the bus, to another store, picking up bagels, on the computer, entering data into spreadsheets, organizing last day of classes for second job, crazy, crazy, crazy.

Mental Health Note: I practically didn’t have time to breathe. ¬†But I have learned something really valuable about myself in the last year or so: when I have days or moments like this, frantically, overwhelmingly busy, I tend to wind up sad, anxious, ¬†and depressed. ¬†I tend to get riled up and never get un-riled. ¬†So I like to plan out something nice for myself in advance! ¬†okay, so I didn’t really plan today. ¬†But ¬†it worked out, because I got to spend some quality time with two great friends. ¬† Talking and giggling and wondering and smiling and just knowing each other. ¬†I love that.

No time for a workout today! ¬†I thought about getting up at 6 to run but I wasn’t in bed until 2. ¬†I slept in until 8 instead, which was definitely the better choice. ¬†I was on my feet all day though; definitely walked several miles. ¬†And lugged around several pounds of juice and bagels all over the city. ¬†This is what my job entails.

I made a most excellent food discovery today! ¬†You all know I love my OIAJ. ¬†Well, introducing…

Stir Fry In A Jar!

Last night I wanted something easy to make and portable to take. ¬†I had an almost-empty Mighty Maple pb jar in the fridge. ¬†The cogs in my head started moving…I love maple and peanuts in a stir fry. ¬†I had everything I needed on hand: tofu, salt, EVOO, lemon pepper, green bell pepper, carrots and rice. ¬†I sauteed everything together and steamed the rice then combined.

Holy moly this was wonderful!  Like, maybe life-changing-wonderful.

I would do this with regular PB or perhaps even AB as well.  I want to try it with pad thai next.  Yum yum yum, nom nom nom.

Also eaten in a jar: dessert.

A bit of coconut gelato and various chocolate pieces.

I shall have to experiment with eating more things in jars!  Ideas?  Thoughts?  Do you like food in jars?

Goodnight friends.  Happy Friday!

Therapy Tuesday

Today’s Happy Note: I felt like I was back to my old running self again this morning! ¬†Hooray! ¬†I did six miles — 2 warm up/2 tempo/2 cool down and felt great! ¬†Not just faster, but freer. ¬†I love the flying feeling that comes with running, and because I have been so slow and out of shape, I haven’t had that in a while. ¬†But it’s back and I’m happy. ūüôā

Also walked three miles. ¬†On my marathon training plan, adapted from the Runner’s World Intermediate Plan, today was supposed to be 2 miles GP (goal pace)/2 miles tempo/2 miles GP. ¬†In what alternate universe does this make sense? ¬†Who can do that for six miles in the second week of training? ¬†Does anyone even do that ever? Any runners out there have ideas about this? I am totally confused, and for now I am just sticking to 2-3 miles of tempo running.

Therapy Tuesday

Today wasn’t a breakthrough day or anything, but not a bad day either. ¬†It just was. ¬†And I am okay with that. ¬†I was content and comforted just being with L. ¬†I honestly crave our little hour together every week — not to obsess over her or worship her, but because it is my special time with someone who listens. ¬†That’s why it is so devastating for me when sessions go badly; it’s my special time every week. ¬†We both know how much energy and emotional effort I put into the work of therapy.

Often, sitting there, I wonder what she thinks of me. ¬†I want to know if she thinks I am compassionate, lovely, bright, annoying. ¬†I can think any thing about her and then tell her, but I don’t get to hear what she thinks of me very often, at least not directly. ¬†One of the golden rules of being a therapist is “only reveal things about yourself (or your thoughts) to the extent that they will help the patient.” ¬†I get that, but I am curious. ¬†And I know that, as we have finally begun to understand the dynamics of our relationship (and each other), this isn’t going to work for us perfectly. ¬†I think it is clear to L how important it is for me to hear about her and to hear what she thinks and what she’s been through sometimes. ¬†It is unsaid, but we both clearly know that we need each other, even if for her it is only in a very small way (and in a much bigger way for me). ¬†You know how you can kind of feel it in your heart and your limbs when someone likes you and is becoming attached to you? ¬†Well, I feel like that with L. ¬†Maybe that is what all good therapists do, but I don’t think so. ¬†Maybe I am ascribing more importance to myself than need be. ¬†But I think she is getting attached. ¬†God knows I have been attached for quite some time now.

I feel a deep need for her approval of my whole person.  The funny thing is, I already know she does approve of (and deeply care about) me, based on how we interact and what she says.

I have moved completely past the point of thinking about our relationship in even remotely clinical terms. ¬†I think that I am moving into a space where we have a much deeper relationship. ¬†A little bit hard to explain I suppose. ¬†But it is no longer doctor and patient — in fact, from the beginning I felt it wasn’t. ¬†It is still a professional relationship. ¬†But when I heard her refer to herself as “L” (her first name) the other day, I knew definitively that we are not just clinical anymore. ¬†This is my real life unfolding with her. ¬†Which is wonderful, but also means that I feel every aspect of our relationship quite intensely. ¬†I want her to believe in me. ¬†I want her to bond specially with me. ¬†I know she has many patients, but I don’t know how many of them need the closeness with her as much as I do right now. ¬†I don’t have a significant other now (or ever have) who I have really shared my life with. ¬†I have many close friendships but this is just different. ¬†I have an emotional intimacy with her that I have not shared with anyone else in many, many years (since before college started). ¬†When I think about it, there are a lot of totally reasonable explanations for why I snapped shut a bit in the last few years. ¬†That is for another post.

All I know is that I truly love and need L right now. And probably will for a long ime. ¬†It’s been almost a year now (already?) and I would be perfectly happy to spend another ten years with her, learning about myself, my way of fitting into the world, my dreams, my history. ¬†How things connect.

Today’s topics: sex and money. ¬†Not the most blog appropriate, obviously. ¬†It was a good conversation though. ¬†I felt a lot of relief. ¬†What I came away with was a new understanding of how I relate to people in my life and how I can shape and guide those relationships (consciously) so that they are more healing and more positive for all involved.

Sorry if this was vague. ¬†It is getting harder and harder for me to write about therapy, as my relationship with L solidifies. ¬†I am moving into a place where I almost feel more loyalty to her than to the blog posts about therapy. That obviously changes everything. ¬†We’ll see how I feel in the next few weeks. ¬†I may continue writing about things, I may not. ¬†I may just do it in my personal journal — I think it is important for me to sort out my thoughts about it, and I will do so in whatever way proves most healing for my heart.

Grainy Day

Today’s Happy Note: Sleeping in! ¬†I don’t work until 10 some mornings. ¬†I passed out at eleven last night and woke up at nine this morning. ¬†I felt wonderful!

Today was just one of those days where I wasn’t happy, wasn’t sad, wasn’t angry or excited or anxious. ¬†It’s not that I didn’t feel anything, it was all just sort of murky. ¬†Hard to describe. ¬†Not really like I was in a funk but just sort of…cloudy? ¬†Not gloomy though. ¬† I am generally a very emotionally sensitive person and I feel things very deeply; this was almost a welcome break. ¬†I wasn’t depressed or moody at all. ¬†I guess the day just sort of glided by and now that it’s over I can’t quite characterize it — like it was a grainy photograph.

I spent two hours with friends this evening doing stuff for work. ¬†I had a really wonderful moment somewhere in there where I forgot about all my problems. ¬†I love how friends can do that. ¬†I realized that I wasn’t thinking about food or money or sadness. ¬†I wasn’t berating myself over my size. ¬†I was just me. ¬†I love how being with people I care about sometimes solves all my problems.

Friends and loved ones, of course, cannot fix everything.  Sometimes there is a deeper sadness.  But, as L has helped me figure out, it is possible to survive the sadder times.  I will survive.

A few weeks ago I was having a particularly anxious day at therapy and L asked me what helps me calm down. ¬†Running, reading quietly, taking a nap, and just sitting with someone I love who cares about me. ¬†That last one really is a big thing, and I am coming to see more and more lately how healthy relationships affect me. ¬†When I told her my list, she said simply, “I care about you.”

It was one of the nicest things someone has said to me in a long while. Reason number 14224 why I love her.

Do I add nut butter to everything I eat?  No.  Just most things.

Confession: I just realized that part of the reason my dinners never fill me up is that I am afraid to have it in more than one plate or bowl.  Which means there is usually only one thing involved, and that is never enough!  Tonight I had a big bowl of oats with peaches and dark chocolate and a small bowl of yogurt with coconut and a sprinkling of trail mix.  It did the trick.

I have been loving me some grains lately — literally craving them, which is pretty unusual for me. ¬†I tend to fear excess carbs, but let’s face it: no one ever died because they were eating too much oats and brown rice and millet.

Today was a rest day. ¬†Normally I do weights and kickboxing on Mondays, but between a long run yesterday and speed work tomorrow, I wanted something a bit calmer. ¬†I did a little over three miles walking and 20 minutes of yoga and abs. ¬†I don’t like waking up super early to run and would prefer to do it around three or four, ideally, but it is going to be hot hot hot tomorrow so I know I have to get out by seven. ¬†Uh-oh, that means it’s past my bedtime now!

Goodnight, sleep tight.

Oh, and hello new readers! ¬†Don’ be afraid to say hello. ūüôā

Therapy Tuesday

Today’s Happy Note: Getting out of the city! ¬†Got to go visit a college in PA with my babies (aka high school students I work with). ¬†It showed me that I am a capable leader and mentor. ¬†Plus, it was kinda nice driving through the Poconos.

This has gotta be a major quickie; I might just have the busiest day of my life tomorrow — including a sweet surprise that I promise to blog about (with pictorial evidence, of course)!

Yesterday workout: 6 miles (2 GP — general pace –, 2 tempo, 2 GP) plus four accidental walking miles.

Today was not the best day in terms of eating OR marathon training. ¬†With the training, I was supposed to do an easy three miles with strides; I just decided to swap that out with Friday’s rest day. ¬†I am so busy during the middle of the week. ¬†Hopefully that settles down once school starts. ¬†I walked a few miles and did some gentle stretching. ¬†Eating: I did take pictures of everything, and most of it was relatively healthy, but it was too much. ¬†I know I wasn’t hungry for all of it. ¬†Do you ever just feel like you desperately need to eat even though you aren’t hungry? Oh well. ¬†Tomorrow is a new day, and there are far worse things in life than consuming extra calories via almond butter, fruit, yogurt, and dark chocolate.

I am proud of myself because, even if my eating is still not perfect, I am beginning to recognize my patterns. I know Monica is working on this right now too and it is harder than it sounds. ¬†Am I hungry? ¬†Sad? ¬†Ecstatic? ¬†Confused? ¬†Do I eat a lot in the evening? ¬†Do I feel fuller when I have PB for dessert or cereal (PB!)? ¬†Am I lonely? ¬†Am I restricting and then overcompensating? ¬†Am I eating enough to fuel me through a six or eight mile run — or am I using that as an excuse to eat too much?

I DON’T have all the answers, but I AM realizing that the journey is pretty fun. ¬†I am learning so much about myself. ¬†For example, I just noticed something important today: computer troubles=eating troubles para Caronae. ¬†Nothing stresses me out quite like a computer problem — even if it’s something really small. ¬†So I have noticed this, and I know that I have an arsenal of alternative tools (i.e., not emotional eating): beautifying myself (painting my nails, eyebrow plucking, doing my hair, getting a massage), and curling up with tea and a stack of magazines. ¬†Those are just two little things that make me happy right now!

A few eats:

Bacon has been involved.

Yum!

Therapy Tuesday

Today was characterized by our shared laughter. ¬† I don’t really know how this happened — certainly not everything I said (or L said) was funny — but it happened, and once we started finding humor or joy in things, we couldn’t stop. ¬†It was lovely. ¬†I had two main announcements to make (both of which you already know):

1. I am applying to law school in the fall and,

2. I am going to be running the marathon come November.

I honestly just haven’t had a chance to tell L either of these things yet. ¬†I started with number one. ¬†I was a little bit surprised by her reaction, which was not one of warmth, and undying support. ¬†Looking back, I guess I didn’t really need that anyways. ¬†Sometimes I feel like L knows what’s best for me even when I don’t know what’s best! ¬†Anyways, she basically encouraged me, but also reminded me that I am young, that I can and should do more research, and that I should think about what exactly this means to me and what I want to do with my life. ¬†These are big questions that I am not necessarily ready to tackle, but I am glad she reminded me that, at the very least, that can be floating around in the back of my head. ¬†I was mildly annoyed at her because I sort of thought she was lecturing me and sounding exactly like my mom does about school stuff. ¬†I felt as though she was telling me that I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m a baby and blah blah blah. ¬†I told her this and she sort of gently pointed out what she really meant and noticed that I was doing a bit of projection of my mother onto her. ¬†Point taken.

But I was feeling a bit wound up, unsettled, and anxious at this point. ¬†But: I let her in. ¬†I let L know about this, about the turmoil that was mounting inside me over such a small thing. ¬†And one of the things she said actually comforted me quite a lot: I stated that when this happens — when I get anxious and panic in the moment of therapy — I feel like I’m wasting my(limited) time with her, and she said that this is my life; this is real and these are my feelings and what better thing than for them to happen in the moment with her, so that she can help me figure them out? ¬†Brilliant!

She sort of walked me into talking about the marathon, even though I didn’t want to. ¬†And guess what? ¬†Again, ¬†I ended up feeling better. ¬†She is so damn smart sometimes it scares me.

L was happy for me about the marathon. ¬†Sometimes I wish she could be more involved in my real life. ¬†But it was nice today to have that brief moment where my real life and therapy sort of merged. ¬†That was new. ¬†And to have everything be sort of light — I actually don’t think I cried at all, which is highly unusual. ¬†It was just like the littlest things about our relationship became humorous; like we know each other so well that we can laugh about each other, at each other.

So today was new.  Refreshing.  Intense but calming.  Funny, real, jarring.  Wonderful in many ways.

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