Therapy Monday!

Today’s Mini Goal: Make a concrete plan/schedule for the weekend so that I don’t feel lonely on Valentine’s Day!  Melissa blogged about a meetup for runners at Jack Rabbit Sports this Sunday, which sounds fun.  Anyone know more about this?

Update on mini goals: The no snacking after dinner has been going really well.  I have been trying to make sure I get plenty of fat and protein in my day, and I really haven’t been hungry after dinner (except last night; I had two mugs of cereal, but I was super active so I think it was just catch-up hunger).  I didn’t call an old friend today, but I did talk to the guy I went out with last weekend, and that was by no means easy for me, so I think that counts. 🙂 I tried the new veggie (chayote squash)  and made some fun meals this weekend too.

No running for me today!  I did Level One of the shred to get me going in the morning and walked quite a bit, but no other exercise.  I think that in the last few years, I’ve been a wee bit exercise obsessed.  Note to self: a day off once a week is good for your body.  You work hard; you have good endurance and strength and you get more than enough activity in your days.  Calm down.

I’ll be quick with today’s eats (by the way, I only show you guys highlights, by no means everything.  Would you be interested in seeing a full day of eating?) so we can get to Therapy Mondays…

New loaf of bread: hazelnut sourdough.  Isn’t that lone little nut adorable?

Pumpkin butter peek-a-boo:

I’ve really been enjoying making my dinners aesthetically pleasing lately.  I don’t really have time to do this with breakfast or lunch, but it’s fun with dinner.  Tonight’s work of art (ish):

Random sauteed veggie pile (I think onion, mushroom, spinach, broccoli, carrot) topped with sunflower shoots and avocado.  I had Applegate chicken tenders on the side and a cute little clementine.

These veggies had a wonderfully deep and rich flavor.  Maybe it’s the coconut oil?  I didn’t even use very much, probably less than a teaspoon…

Hello sunflower shoot!

With my lovely little tulips:

Therapy Monday:

Last night I had a really sudden and almost upsetting realization that inconsistency freaks me out.  A lot.  For example, the guy I keep telling you about is really sweet and it seems like he might want to hang out again, but he is inconsistent; sometimes he responds to my texts, sometimes not; sometimes he sounds really enthusiastic, other times he sounds uninterested.  My issue is not that I desperately want him to be interested in me (it’s perfectly fine if he isn’t), I just want him to be clear about how he feels and what he wants.  I myself may not be the best at this.  Maybe I just like feeling like I’m in control.  I had a somewhat disrupted childhood — a very loving but highly unpredictable family.  Our plans were always delayed or cancelled or changed around and I hated this.  If we were supposed to leave for vacation at ten AM on Saturday, that really meant two PM.  Which meant that we would be late and I would be upset.  This is itself isn’t a big deal, but there were larger issues surrounding the inconsistencies.  I used to try to remedy my confusion by doing things that were repetitive; things I could easily grasp.  On long car rides I would count out loud endlessly; I would get up into the thousands and then throw a fit if someone spoke and made me lose my place.  I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before, but my parents are divorced.  Going back and forth between my mom’s house and my dad’s apartment was scary for me, and I usually resisted the transfer very vocally.  There’s something about having two beds and two bathrooms and one is clean and one is messy and one is red and one is white and the phone book is in one place here and the ladles are in another place there.  I love my parents dearly, but this arrangement was difficult.  Once, when I was older (probably at least fifteen), I got food poisoning while I was at my dad’s apartment.  I woke up in the middle of the night and sprinted to run to the bathroom.  I spent a few seconds trying to find the light switch, and eventually gave up and puked all over the floor.  I despised myself for this.  Why couldn’t things be the same everywhere?  If things around me are changing, does this mean I am changing?

Dating will not be consistent.  Men will not always be consistent.  This is part of the reason why these things are so inexplicably terrifying to me.  But at the same time, I am beginning to trust that at the end of the day, I will always have myself to come back to.  I told my therapist that I often feel like there is something wrong with me as a woman, and I’m so happy that I was able to vocalize this feeling.  She asked me what I see as ideal in a woman and one of the first things that came to my head was “I want to be a woman who is feminine and flirtatious, but retains her personality and character and intelligence.”  I like this idea.  As I was telling her about all of my (perceived) womanly defects, she stopped me and pointed out that I’m a great student, a diligent worker, and a dedicated runner.  In evaluating myself as a woman, I had completely overlooked these things.  Maybe I was thinking they somehow weren’t involved in my womanhood, if that’s a word.  But I can’t leave these things behind, and I don’t want to.  I am not sure how I will move forward in the world of men and relationships and sex and fear (for me at least), but I think that at this point, I know what’s going on with me well enough to be able to navigate what comes my way.  This realization is comforting, but also a bit nauseating.

I cry pretty much every week, but more so than usual today.  I am always really physically exhausted after therapy, and since it’s in the middle of the day it sort of throws things off.  Part of my solution to this dilemma is frozen yogurt.  I think all the crying and emotional purging might somehow affect my blood sugar.  I don’t know if this is scientifically valid, but without fail, I want frozen yogurt after every session, and I usually stop and get some on the way home.  It’s not a problem or anything, since I recognize it as a treat and keep my lunch light and my dinner healthy afterwards.  Does anyone else experience weird physical feelings after going to therapy?

One other thing I was thinking about today, as I was balling my eyes out on my therapist’s very comfortable couch, was this: how do therapists stay sane?  Seriously, if I had to listen to people who are stressed out and sad as I am all day every day, I don’t  think I’d survive.  I understand that there must be some kind of gratification involved in helping others, but still. It just seems like it would be incredibly draining?  Any therapists out there who have thoughts on this?

Questions of the day:  What is your occupation (s) and what do you do to stay sane?

I am a busy student and part time worker (9-10 hours a week) and I make sure to give myself lots of different rewards; everything from a latte to a new fitness magazine to a museum outing or a massage.  Or a cookie, of course. 🙂

I Like Me.

Today’s Mini Goal: RELAX.  Tomorrow I am going to stay calm, stay in the present, unclench my jaw, unfurl my fists, and take slow, counting breaths.

My training plan technically only calls for five days a week of running at this point.  As I get to my peak, I’ll do six for a few weeks, but right now, five is fine.  I was going to head out today after work, which would have made it a six day week, but then I told myself that I needed a break, it was dark, and I was tired.  I’m glad I made that call.  I think I’m going to do the shred (probably level 2) and some abs later, and I walked about two miles earlier.

Okay, let me repeat that.  I’m going to do the shred.  Do you know what that means????  Probably not, in less you have been an extremely perceptive reader, but it means I have my laptop back (obviously, I can’t so much do the shred in my school computer lab or my floor’s tv lounge)!  Presumably,  this would be an extremely joyous event, but it actually turned out to be extraordinarily stressful.  Let me explain…

I went for a walk after work.  Deposited a check, got a small snickers flavor at The Lite Choice (using one of my coupons, talked about here), and headed down to Best Buy to pick up my computer.  On the bus ride there, I started having a little mini panic attack.  For some reason, I felt like I was seeing couples everywhere around me, and I just started feeling intensely, painfully sad.  About being single (which, to me, means alone), lonely; feeling “unlovable.”  This is how my depression talks to me — it tells me these very negative, sad things that make me retreat into myself.  Honestly, that was a very scary bus ride.  Briefly, I was transported back to a place I never want to go again.  When I got off and walked into Best Buy, I asked one of the saleswomen where the Geek Squad section was (they had my computer).  When I heard my voice, I almost jumped backwards, not recognizing it as coming from my own body.  It was small, diminished, weak, unclear, fearful.  It was not my voice.  I was wearing a lavender sweater with a hood on it, and I felt distinctly as though the front of me was collapsing into the back of me; like I would eventually just fold inwards so many times that I wouldn’t be visible.  I have no idea why this was going on.  Maybe it was hormonal or chemical or I was tired or stressed from a difficult week.  I don’t know, but I don’t like that place.

So that’s the beginning of the saga.  When I went down to pick up my computer, everything seemed fine.  That is, until I turned it around and realized that they had failed to secure the hinge in the back on the left side.  The reason I sent the computer in in the first place is because the entire hinge was broken off so that I could lift up the left side of my screen, and wires and tubing were poking out of everywhere.  This is all fixed.  But they didn’t secure the hinge.  I asked the sales rep if this was a problem, and he examined it and concluded that the repair people had made a serious mistake.  Um, okay?  I just had my computer sent off to another state to be repaired for a month and you basically didn’t fix the whole thing?  I almost burst into tears right there.  Instead, I decided to be authoritative.  I told the salesman (who was quite nice; it wasn’t his fault) that there were two options here:

1. It could be fixed immediately; i.e. over the weekend.

OR

2. They could furnish me with a replacement while they shipped my baby off for another month.

Apparently these people have low customer service standards, because neither of these options were palatable to them.  Basically, my only option was to send it back, “free of charge, of course.”  I was actually really insulted by this point — did they think that I would even consider paying them to fix part of the problem that they created in the first place????  Am I being irrational, or does this sound ridiculous?  I tried to explain to them that I’m a student and a writer — I’m kind of computer dependent.  But to no avail.  Disaster not averted.  Ugh.  At this point I have my computer, which I am grateful for, but the hinge remains open in the back.  I can take it down to Best Buy and have them ship it out again within 30 days if I decide I want it fixed, or, I can pay them another bajillion dollars the next time I have a month during which I don’t need my computer.  Which will be never.  Computer fail.

Sorry, rant officially over.

I called my mom when I left the store and just cried for a while, and felt marginally better afterwards.  Then I headed to Whole Foods for some retail therapy of the very best kind (I actually needed some groceries, so it was semi-legitimate!).  Finds:

My new vegetable!  Chayote squash!

Maranatha honey almond butter!!!! I had a few spoonfuls when I got home and it is so smooth and creamy with the perfect hint of honey.  Oddly enough, this was 9 dollars (I considered it my splurge purchase of the week) and the regular almond butter was 19 dollars for a jar???

I bought myself some flowers to cheer me up.  Tulips.  White ones.  Here’s my theory on flower buying: roses can be tacky, carnations are usually just plain ugly, lilies can be big and overwhelming, and pretty multi-color bouquets can clash with a room.  But you can’t go wrong with monochrome tulips.  Ever.  My mother has the most massive, gorgeous garden at home, and while I was there healing from last February through August, I picked lots of bouquets.  My favorite thing to have in a vase is peonies.  There aren’t many things more beautiful than freshly cut peonies sitting in a little bath of sunlight on my mother’s ancient mahogany dining table.

I also had some delicious apple pumpkin soup at WF:  Mmmmm….

Salad for lunch.  I was hardcore craving some tuna.  Weird.

And for breakfast I was hard core craving a chocolate chip muffin.

There are times in life when you just need a giant pile of carbs for breakfast.  This muffin satisfied that need, and despite the lack of protein, fiber, or fruits, kept me full for over four hours.  Score one for muffins.

I got some maple buckwheat flakes cereal and had a bowl of that with my soup (things you eat in bowls are always tastier).  It was really good, just sweet enough to be satisfying, but not sugar-coma/craving inducing.  Score one for maple buckwheat flakes cereal.

I am spending the evening with some books, some online tv, 20 minutes of shredding, jasmine tea, and me, myself, and I.  Last night I went out with friends, and I can usually handle only one night out per weekend.  I know, lame.

I really need some positive self talk right now.  Please feel free to ignore this; I’m kind of talking to myself here.  Okay, here goes.  I am a good writer.  I am training for a half marathon.  I get good grades.  I’m a good friend.  I have a good heart.  I am a good baker.  I love me.

Why do you love you?

Alright, hope everyone has an excellent weekend.  Let me know what you’re going to be up to (I have many fun things planned!)