Today’s Happy Note: Vitamin D overload. Sunshine! 🙂
I ended up walking 5 or so miles yesterday; I also did a 20 minute yoga core download. Today I did 3-4 miles walking, 2 miles running (on the beach!!!) and lots of playing in the water.
I had an awesome beach trip. I always forget that Manhattan is so close to the ocean. Twas lovely!
Confession: I felt so unbelievably, ridiculously fat in my swimsuit. I wanted to hide in the changing rooms and cry. I told my dad that I should not be allowed on the beach without a sign that said “whale.”
And then I hate myself for hating myself so much. Oh, the irony.
The reality is that, between the GI illness and the hospitalization, I have gained about ten pounds. I am not someone who could afford to gain ten pounds. I’m pretty sure this makes me borderline overweight. I don’t care so much about that label as feeling good and feeling confident. I don’t feel either right now. I feel enormous.
I am not necessarily mad at myself: I have hardly been able to workout in the last month, and I have been quite stressed. I respond to stress by eating emotionally and gaining weight easily. Seriously, I probably even gained weight when I had my GI thing and all I could eat for three or four days was the occasional piece of toast.
I played on the beach today for hours and ended up having a lot of fun; I dug my toes into the sand, ran up and down, jumped over the waves, swam through the waves, and bothered my sister (endlessly entertaining). So I am not entirely focused on my body, but it is still there. It’s this painful, nagging thing in the background. It’s like something isn’t quite right, and my body knows this, physically and mentally.
The thing that works best for me is not obsessing, but not being lax either. Counting calories, tracking meals, only “allowing” certain food: none of this works for me. This all creates more tension and anxiety and makes me more sad and I feel worse about my body and I end up eating more. Funny how that cycle works. But at least I can recognize it. In fact, I think I do know what works: eating three wholesome meals a day (plus an afternoon snack and a small dessert), with lots of healthy fats, protein, and veggies, and not snacking in the evening. It’s as simple as that.
Pretty straightforward. That’s my plan. I do intend to use the blog to keep myself accountable. Accountability is where I have failed in the past. So I intend to do a tiny little check-in with myself when I post, mostly to note whether or not I have been mindlessly eating in the evenings.
Once in a while, I might share a full day of eats. Like today, since I figured it would be a good idea to have a baseline image of how much I need in a day on an active day where I don’t overeat.
I am sorry if this upsets anyone: if you feel like this would not be a good idea for you to read about, PLEASE skip over it. I would not want to hurt anyone, especially if you have a history of ED/disordered eating.
Breakfast was flax oatmeal (TJ’s brand) with part of a peach (would have used it all but parts were squishy and I hate that) and a giant scoop of AB. One of my favorite breakfasts!
Lunch=giant salad with cucumbers, zuchinni, carrots, microwaved eggs, and avocado.
Afternoon snack — it was super melty since it had been at the beach with me all day and it was a hundred degrees!
A few bites of coleslaw and a giant Asian chicken salad for dinner (the size of my head). You can’t see the chicken and other toppings, but I promise they’re there!
On the left is a peanut butter cup shake I had before going to a play with my dad and sister. Right was my before blogging/bed snack of a small Godiva truffle. I REFUSE to go without dessert. Ever. Regardless of my weight. I’m sure this is some kind of dieting sin. But I don’t care.
So there you have it. I do want to lost a bit of weight. It’s very hard for me to find a balance between vigilance and obsession; I am aiming to use the blog to help me find a balance over the next few months (that won’t be the only thing on the blog though, don’t worry!). Due to my body’s natural (and rather unfortunate) chemistry/metabolism, I do need to have a certain vigilance. It sounds bizarre, but if I am not careful and I gain weight now, I could screw over my fertility in the future. Very random, I know. But I want to be a mother more than anything in the world and so I am not going to take any chances with this.
Any thoughts?
