Adventure Saturday: Ocean, Body Image/Weight Concerns

Today’s Happy Note: Vitamin D overload. ¬†Sunshine! ūüôā

I ended up walking 5 or so miles yesterday; I also did a 20 minute yoga core download.  Today I did 3-4 miles walking, 2 miles running (on the beach!!!) and lots of playing in the water.

I had an awesome beach trip.  I always forget that Manhattan is so close to the ocean.  Twas lovely!

Confession: I felt so unbelievably, ridiculously fat in my swimsuit. ¬†I wanted to hide in the changing rooms and cry. ¬†I told my dad that I should not be allowed on the beach without a sign that said “whale.”

And then I hate myself for hating myself so much.  Oh, the irony.

The reality is that, between the GI illness and the hospitalization, I have gained about ten pounds. ¬†I am not someone who could afford to gain ten pounds. ¬†I’m pretty sure this makes me borderline overweight. ¬† I don’t care so much about that label as feeling good and feeling confident. ¬†I don’t feel either right now. ¬†I feel enormous.

I am not necessarily mad at myself: I have hardly been able to workout in the last month, and I have been quite stressed.   I respond to stress by eating emotionally and gaining weight easily.  Seriously, I probably even gained weight when I had my GI thing and all I could eat for three or four days was the occasional piece of toast.

I played on the beach today for hours and ended up having a lot of fun; I dug my toes into the sand, ran up and down, jumped over the waves, swam through the waves, and bothered my sister (endlessly entertaining). ¬†So I am not entirely focused on my body, but it is still there. ¬†It’s this painful, nagging thing in the background. ¬†It’s like something isn’t quite right, and my body knows this, physically and mentally.

The thing that works best for me is not obsessing, but not being lax either. ¬†Counting calories, tracking meals, only “allowing” certain food: none of this works for me. This all creates more tension and anxiety and makes me more sad and I feel worse about my body and I end up eating more. ¬†Funny how that cycle works. ¬†But at least I can recognize it. ¬†In fact, I think I do know what works: eating three wholesome meals a day (plus an afternoon snack and a small dessert), with lots of healthy fats, protein, and veggies, and not snacking in the evening. ¬†It’s as simple as that.

Pretty straightforward. ¬†That’s my plan. ¬†I do intend to use the blog to keep myself accountable. Accountability is where I have failed in the past. ¬†So I intend to do a tiny little check-in with myself when I post, mostly to note whether or not I have been mindlessly eating in the evenings.

Once in a while, I might share a full day of eats. ¬†Like today, since I figured it would be a good idea to have a baseline image of how much I need in a day on an active day where I don’t overeat.

I am sorry if this upsets anyone: if you feel like this would not be a good idea for you to read about, PLEASE skip over it.  I would not want to hurt anyone, especially if you have a history of ED/disordered eating.

Breakfast was flax oatmeal (TJ’s brand) with part of a peach (would have used it all but parts were squishy and I hate that) and a giant scoop of AB. ¬†One of my favorite breakfasts!

Lunch=giant salad with cucumbers, zuchinni, carrots, microwaved eggs, and avocado.

Afternoon snack — it was super melty since it had been at the beach with me all day and it was a hundred degrees!

A few bites of coleslaw and a giant Asian chicken salad for dinner (the size of my head). ¬†You can’t see the chicken and other toppings, but I promise they’re there!

On the left is a peanut butter cup shake I had before going to a play with my dad and sister. ¬†Right was my before blogging/bed snack of a small Godiva truffle. ¬†I REFUSE to go without dessert. ¬†Ever. Regardless of my weight. ¬†I’m sure this is some kind of dieting sin. ¬†But I don’t care.

So there you have it. ¬†I do want to lost a bit of weight. ¬†It’s very hard for me to find a balance between vigilance and obsession; I am aiming to use the blog to help me find a balance over the next few months (that won’t be the only thing on the blog though, don’t worry!). ¬† Due to my body’s natural ¬†(and rather unfortunate) chemistry/metabolism, I do need to have a certain vigilance. ¬†It sounds bizarre, but if I am not careful and I gain weight now, I could screw over my fertility in the future. ¬†Very random, I know. ¬†But I want to be a mother more than anything in the world and so I am not going to take any chances with this.

Any thoughts?