Protein+Fat=Happy Caronae

Today’s Happy Note: Crossing things off my to do list. ¬†I still have a lot to get done before this insane weekend, but I’m getting there. ūüôā

PS — Does anyone else add things to their to-do list that you have already done, just so you can experience the joy of crossing it out?

Marathon Training: Yesterday I did four and a half miles, with an easy mile and a half warm-up, 4x (400 fast/400 easy), and a mile cool down. ¬†It wasn’t terrible, but I just felt weak. ¬†Today, even more so. I feel lightheaded,blurry vision, etc. No idea what is going on, but I’ll be sure to monitor things and be careful.

I had my super easy yoga class today. We literally sat on chairs half the time and stretched. ¬†I’m taking it very easy this week, so this was perfectly acceptable.

I never told you about my endocrine visit on Monday! The doctor was extremely nice and extremely knowledgeable. ¬†She also seemed obscenely young (early thirties?) for a faculty practitioner (meaning she is a professor) which made me a bit nervous. ¬†She was very thorough. ¬†We talked about everything — diet, exercise, hormones, habits, genetics, blood sugar, endocrine/metabolic systems. ¬†She is running a really broad panel of tests to see if there is something significantly wrong. ¬†If nothing is found, then the “answer” is simply going to be that I have a little bit of a weird metabolic/hormonal system.

I am not freaking out as much as I was before though because of two things:

1. She basically told me that my weight “problem” actually isn’t a problem. ¬†Because of my healthy diet and exercise choices, being a few pounds over the recommended weight for my height isn’t a big deal. ¬†She was actually really soothing/comforting in this regard.

2. I have been making a conscious effort to eat more fat and protein lately and have lost seven pounds.  My period just ended, so some of this might be hormonal/water weight.  But still, seven pounds is a good chunk of my overall body weight.  I am hoping that continuing this eating pattern will help me lose a few more pounds.  But if not, I am not going to freak out.

I promise. ūüôā

So what have I been eating of late?

One carb I REFUSE to get rid of is oats (above: 1/4 C with 1/2 serving vanilla protein powder, 1 C vanilla soymilk, chopped apple, and walnuts). ¬†Other than that, I am not eating too many grains. ¬†And I am not giving up carbs entirely either. ¬†I kind of love them. ūüėČ ¬†I’m just making sure to reduce them and then pair them with more fat and protein.

One trap I have fallen into in the past is eating more protein without reducing carbs. ¬†That just results in more overall calories, which isn’t going to help anybody. ¬†Unless you are trying to gain weight, obviously.

Other eats:

Squash “pizza.” ¬†In reality this was actually a squash bowl stuffed with veggies, ground beef, and cheese. ¬†I cut it into little slices and ate it like a pizza though, which made it 10x more fun.

Really random lunch with two mini corn tortillas (which aren’t that good; I wanted wraps and thought these would be good since they were smaller, but they are dry), almond butter, carrots, and a protein cake (a la April) made with peanut flour and cocoa powder with PB.

Dinner was full of fat, veggies, and protein.   Exactly how I like it!  I used a base of pumpkin puree, topped that with ground beef/mushrooms/carrots and brussel sprouts/broccoli cooked in EVOO.  Enough to feed one small army OR one hungry Caronae.

I have heard a lot of different research about diets higher in proteins/fats. ¬†Some of what I have seen has indicated that a diet high in protein/fat, even of the saturated variety (think whole milk, meat, butter) is not harmful. ¬†I tend to agree with this with the caveat that people have very different metabolic/digestive systems with very different needs (I talked about my wants and needs with ¬†my diet in Monday’s post). ¬†I think that it isn’t animal fat or protein that’s killing us/making us obese, but processed crap full of chemicals, like candy bars and pop and snack foods.

I think that there is evidence on both sides of the spectrum, at the moment.  In my opinion, this just furthers my conclusion that different people are suited to different diets.

On the horizon the next few days: CRAZY INSANELY BUSY Caronae.  I promise to post before the marathon though.  Is anyone interested in tracking me/coming out to cheer and wants to know my number?

If so, email me!  I know a few bloggies have already mentioned that they would like to know, but I have lost track.  So please leave a comment/email me and I will let you know.

T-4 days!  Ahhhhhh!!!!!

Middle of The Week Blues

Today’s Happy Note: Free food. ¬†Seriously, what is better in this world than free food? ¬†Okay, I will admit that I am kind of a free food snob — I won’t eat anything that looks suspicious, greasy, etc. ¬† But still. ¬†There are a lot of options. ¬†Today alone I garnered a piece of pineapple cake, hors¬†d’oeuvres, and a fudgy brownie. ¬†I am a free food expert.

Ooof. ¬†I am suffering from those middle-of-the-week blues. ¬†I can’t seem to get in gear. ¬†My brain feels foggy. ¬†My body feels tired. ¬†For some odd reason (warning: sarcasm ahead), I have no interest in wading through 800+ pages of Ibn Khaldun…

But enough of my complaining!  When I am feeling down or overwhelmed, I remember how many good things I have going for me. Here are a few:

  • I have a pantry and a fridge stocked with delicious, wholesome foods. ¬† Right now I am loving TJs sesame honey cashews, frozen blueberries, and fresh mozzarella (not all together though!).
  • I got an A on the first paper of the semester that I have gotten back. ¬†I never get A’s on papers, so I was super thrilled about this.
  • My laundry is clean.
  • Lovely fall weather.
  • I am going to be running a very exciting marathon in less than two weeks. ¬†I have two legs that do amazing things!
  • I have kind, sweet friends and a loving, thoughtful boyfriend.
  • I have an awesome, if a little bit crazy, family. ¬†My mama might be coming to visit me for my birthday/marathon weekend (I turn 21 on Saturday November 6th and run the ING NYC Marathon on Sunday November 7th)!
  • I’m resilient!
  • I write well. ¬†I’m working on an essay right now about the color red. ¬†The entire thing consists of different ways of saying “red”.
  • I have a lovely long weekend to look forward to, full of baking and friends and USB and five whole days of no school.
Much better. ūüôā
Marathon Training: Yesterday as a rest/cross training day, as Mondays always are.  I was too antsy to rest, so I did Level 1 of the 30 Day shred in the evening followed by 10 minutes of kettlebell swings and yoga.  Easy peasy 30 minute workout.  I love reminding myself that sometimes, it is so not necessary to spend hours working out.  Today I did 7.5 miles: 2 warm-up, 4 Tempo, 1.5 cool-down. The Tempo part went really well, and I felt like I was flying.  Afterwards I felt dead though.  The cool-down was pretty much a joke.  I looked like a dying animal staggering home.  Meh.
It’s taper, and weird things happen during tapers, so I’m not going to worry about it.
Food time!
I have been craving a ton of snacky food lately — I’d rather have a handful of nuts or yogurt with pumpkin and blueberries than real meals. ¬†Sometimes I wonder if I should try eating less frequent, bigger meals, instead of constantly being snacky all day. ¬†But at the same time, I like being snacky: it means I get to eat a wider variety of delicious things more frequently!
Hmmm,  decisions, decisions.
I don’t really plan on doing any fooling around with my diet until after the marathon, so I have a week or two to think things over. ¬†I’m seeing endocrine soon (FINALLY) and can’t wait. I don’t like being poked and having tests done and whatnot, but it will be worth it to figure out what’s going on!
I know I promised a post about the way I eat last week. ¬†Stay tuned, I promise it’s coming this week!
Oh, and the jeans I mentioned the other day.  I figured I should share (by the way, I am morally opposed to mirror pictures and would never take one outside of the context of trying to show you guys what something looks like when no one else is around to take the picture.  I hope you will forgive me):
They’re super comfy and make me feel confident. ¬†A winning purchase, in my book.
Anything you want to complain about?  Middle of the week got you down? Let me hear it!
What do you have going for you? ¬†How do you make yourself feel better when you’re feeling blah?

Crazed Runner Thoughts

Today’s Happy Note: Getting started on schoolwork. ¬†This is “happy” because it has been a big source of anxiety for me over the last few days and now that I finally have just started it doesn’t seem so bad! ¬†I will have lots and lots of reading this semester, some interesting, some not. ¬†Right now I’m reading about Harlem Renaissance Literature!

Marathon Training: Yesterday was a very lazy day. ¬†I ate a lot. ¬†When I wasn’t hungry. ¬†Then napped. ¬†Then remembered that I had to run five miles. Crap. ¬†Had to do it on the street because it was already getting dark. ¬†Boring. ¬†Sweaty. ¬†Came home and did 20-30 minutes of yoga. Felt better afterwards. ¬†Marathon training really screws with your metabolism/hunger cues. ¬†I want chocolate.

Sometimes I don’t even understand my thought process surrounding running. ūüôā

Today I had to tackle 16 miles. ¬†It’s funny how sometimes a long run can be wonderful (like last week) and sometimes it can really, really suck. Unfortunately, this week was of the sucky variety.

I decided to sleep in, rather than waking up at seven on a Sunday (contrary to popular belief, I am still in college and sometimes I do partake in college-like activities on weekends….). ¬†This meant that I had to go to yoga before my long run instead of after. ¬†Meh. ¬†It was a really nice class, actually, although I probably tired out my legs a bit too much. ¬†I love when we focus on mediation and emotional balance in tandem with the physical asana practice.

I set out for the 16 miles right after yoga, heading down the Hudson river, around Battery Park City, and back up the East River.  Thoughts:

Mile 1: Why do my calves hurt so much? ¬†Why are they so tight? ¬†I can’t think of any explanation for them feeling like this. ¬†This does not make logical sense. ¬†Oh wait, sometimes running makes no logical sense — I am running 16 miles and my friends are eating bagels and cream cheese in their PJs. ¬†Ugh.

Mile 2: Now my calves hurt and I have to pee. ¬†Okay, that’s sufficient discomfort to merit a quick stop. ¬†I peed (in a bathroom, of course) then did some calf stretches, which helped. ¬†It’s drizzling. ¬†I like drizzling. ¬†A little water never killed anybody.

Mile 3: Calves are easing up.  Good.  But now my hip and hamstring hurt.  But not a lot.  Just a little.  I should keep going though.

Mile 4: Why did I decide I was going to keep going, again?  I jsut ran four miles and now I have twelve more.  Also, why is there a random festival taking place on the running/walking path?

Mile 5: There is clearly a sign that says dogs are not allowed in this part of the park. ¬†So why is your dog here? ¬†Oh crap, it’s raining harder. ¬†But I only have 11 miles left and it would be wimpy to stop now, even though the trajectory of the degree of raininess is clearly increasing.

Mile 6: I’m in Battery Park City, by lots of 9/11 monuments and memorials and such. ¬†This is very sad. ¬†I have never been able to fully organize my thoughts surrounding 9/11. ¬†I didn’t live in New York then, but I do live here now. ¬†I’m scared, sometimes.

Mile 7: Why in God’s name is anyone taking the ferry to Ellis Island and Liberty Island right now? ¬†Why is the Staten Island Ferry orange? ¬†It’s officially pouring.

Mile 8: the Lower East Side is unnecessarily confusing. ¬†When am I going to get to Houston? ¬†Shouldn’t I be at Houston already? ¬†Why can’t there be real beaches in Manhattan? ¬†I want to go swimming in the East River. ¬†That would be really gross.

Mile 9: I do not like running up stairs. ¬†I think my body wad not built for stairs — seriously, I get exhausted after a single flight. ¬†Damn UN tourists. ¬†Damn UN traffic. ¬†I don’t like the streets on the Upper East Side. ¬†The avenues should have been better organized. ¬†If I were a municipal politician, I would be so good at organizing streets. ¬†But I don’t think I would make a very good civil engineer.

Mile 10: Snacktime! ¬†I don’t like cranberry flavored stuff (I also do’t like tomatoes, beets, olives, pickles, ham, american cheese, or white chocolate) but these cran-razz shot blocks are pretty good. ¬†Like really sugary juice. ¬†What classes do I have tomorrow? ¬†Do they involve food? ¬†Maybe I should make my own energy gels with dates and stuff. ¬†It would be cheaper. ¬†And healthier. ¬†And I am far, far too lazy for that. It’s. ¬†Still. ¬†Raining.

Mile 11: I miss USB. ¬†Crap, I can’t miss USB because I saw him 36 hours ago. ¬†Pull yourself together, Caronae. ¬†Wow, the water is really swirly and choppy here. ¬†Good thing I took a class about the history of the city — I know exactly why it’s choppy! ¬†It’s because there are a bunch of channels merging in this area and lots of people have drowned here. ¬†I hope I’m not one of them. ¬†I hope this creepy man doesn’t push me over the edge. ¬†I can swim really well though, so at least I have that going for me.

Mile 12: There are many bridges on the East Side.  I can never remember which comes first.  My NYC bridge knowledge sucks.  My NYC street knowledge is, however,  excellent.  For example, I know that the hill pathway under the Queensboro Bridge at 60th Street is closed; therefore you have to go up York Street to 63rd in order to cross over FDR drive and get back onto the East River Esplanade.  sometimes I am so smart.  Other times I am terribly, terribly dumb.

Mile 13: I want to eat a burrito tonight.  Or maybe a taco.  Something Mexican.  Except I am feeling sort of queasy so that might not happen.

Mile 14: I am so soaked that my face is cold any I have officially gained about 7 pounds via the water that is weighing down my clothing. ¬†Yup, I can see my yoga pants flapping about at the bottom because they are officially too heavy to stay put. ¬†I am eating the rest of these shot blox now. ¬†There are lots of homeless peopler under these bridges and overpasses and archways and such. ¬†I feel bad for them. ¬†It’s rainy. ¬†I would give them my hot chocolate, if I had any. ¬†I should have some hot chocolate when I finish this.

Mile 15: I am pretty much dragging my left leg at this point. ¬†I look like one of those people struggling to finish an Ironman. ¬†Except I have only done 15 miles, which is approximately 1546 times less hardcore. ¬†Hip. ¬†Hurts. ¬†I hope this doesn’t derail my marathon training.

Mile 16: I have never loved the sight of Central Park so much. ¬†I am almost hooommmmmeeee. ¬†Except wait. ¬†There are three giant hills standing in between me and home. ¬†Yuck. ¬†At least there are more runners here, who are also soaking wet, so maybe I don’t look like such an idiot. ¬†I wonder what kinds of birds stick around for the winter. ¬†Definitely swallows. ¬†I always see swallows, everywhere. ¬†But not cardinals or robins or blue jays. ¬†Those only come back in the spring. ¬†But they haven’t left yet because there is a blue jay, right there. ¬† I think bird migration patterns are really cool.

End of Mile 16: This is the longest block of my life. ¬†Look, there’s the hospital I was in! ¬†I am glad I am not there anymore. ¬†I want to have some sunflower seed butter now.

There you have it, 16 miles of one crazed runner’s thoughts.

Food from the weekend!

A fig and hazelnut scone. ¬†Definitely…interesting.

That wrap was an excellent combination of TJ’s cilantro-jalapeno hummus, cheddar cheese, avocado, and yellow pepper.

Tomorrow is gonna be a long day. ¬†Blech. ¬†Morning workout, doctor’s appointments, work, class (yoga is starting!!!!), job recruitment meeting (with a company I really don’t want to work for but they would not stop harrasing me so I’m going because I feel bad), more class, activities, reading, laundry, dinner, more reading.

I need to remind myself to smile. ¬†Nothing is ever so bad when you smile. ūüôā

Happy Monday to all of you, my loves!

Tell me about your weekend!  And feel free to share any crazy-runner-thoughts, if you have them!

Day 2: Adjusting

Today’s Happy Note: I had an interesting class this evening! ¬†Score. ¬†So far I have felt mostly sleepy and bored in school, but I think it’s just my body/mind transitioning back into student mode. ¬†The one this evening was called Narrative and Human Rights. ¬†Cool, no?

I only had two classes today. ¬†I have three, normally, but Iyengar Yoga doesn’t start until next week. ¬†I’m pretty excited about it! ¬†Confession: I feel asleep about eight times in my seminar this morning. ¬†It’s the same slightly crazy prof I wrote about yesterday. ¬†I have the pleasure of having him for two classes. ¬†Happy happy joy joy. ¬†He seems interesting though, and most definitely knowledgeable. ¬†The problem is that he is so knowledgeable that he spends the entire class talking about the background to the background of the history of the material he’s teaching. ¬†That doesn’t even make sense but I swear that’s what he does.

Harumph.

Marathon Training: Wednesday’s are usually an “easy” day on my plan. ¬†Today consisted of four sloooooowwwww miles with 6×100 meter strides in the last mile. ¬†I took advantage of my very open day to squeeze in 40 minutes of weights at the gym too (arms/abs). ¬†I always forget how much I walk during school days. ¬†I probably did about 3 miles walking today as well.

Eats:

Gloppy-looking 1/3 cup of oats with a fresh peach and an invisible scoop of sunbutter (~2 tablespoons).

Snacky day (also had another spoonful pb).

Lunch! ¬†Don’t let this innocent looking smoothie fool you; it has four servings of produce! ¬†Frozen berries, half a banana, spinach, and cucumber slices (plus almond milk and vanilla protein powder). ¬†I really liked it, but it needed ice. ¬†This is one of the great dilemmas of my life: my mini fridge freezer is too small for an ice tray. I need ice in my life. ¬†I crave it — I chew on it (I know it’s a terrible habit) and think it makes smoothies infinitely better. ¬†I can easily go through a whole tray in one smoothie.

So now my life (and my smoothies) are iceless. ¬†I don’t know what to do. ¬†Help! ¬†Anyone have any ice-making solutions?

I did indeed bring my own nut butter to The Lite Choice (in my defense, I only had the AB in my bag because I was on my way back from WF).

Stir fry leftovers (shrimp, rainbow chard, yellow squash, broccoli,  yellow pepper, coconut, peanut dressing) with brown rice for dinners.  Just had some hot cocoa to end the day, with a little dark chocolate melted in (my favorite way to eat it).

I feel like this is a good, healthy intake for a day of moderate exercise. ¬†I can never tell if I am eating too little, enough, or enough. Eating is a funny thing because every body is different. I am proud of myself, though, for trying to figure out what works for me. ¬†I feel pretty good right now, like I had enough but not too much. ¬†I don’t want to fall into the comparison trap, so I try to think of my eating only in terms of myself — also, I need to remember that most of my friends and peers are not training for a marathon and running 40-50 miles a week right now. ¬†So when I’m with friends and they don’t snack after dinner (or after lunch, or after breakfast, or after snack, or…), I need to not freak out and think I’m being weird or overeating. ¬†I just need to remember to listen to my body. ¬†It gets easier everyday that I do it. ūüôā

I hope you all had splendid, happy Wednesdays!

FYI, L has been on vacation so I’ll be at therapy on Friday this week. ¬†Thereafter I *think* I’ll be switching to Thursdays for the rest of the semester.

Goodnight friends!

Risk Taking Anxiety/Vulnerability

Today’s Happy Note: Piers. ¬†Who thought these up? ¬†Seriously. ¬†A long platform extending out over the water affording better views and a nice breeze? ¬†I’m all over it. ¬†I love the piers that extend out over the Hudson all along Manhattan’s West Side.

Sorry for disappearing on you last night! ¬†I genuinely wanted to blog (which is why I am apologizing) but didn’t get home until 1:00 AM! ¬†This is veeeerrrrryyyyy late for me for a weeknight when I have work/school the next day. ¬†I pretty much collapsed into bed and had to supplement with a nap after work. ūüôā

Mental Health Note: I am really glad I went out. ¬†I am NOT a bar/club/crazy party girl at all but I do deserve to have a little bit of fun (whatever that might entail) once in a while. ¬†I saw a movie, then went to a restaurant/dancing. ¬†It was the best evening I have had in a long time and I am so very happy I went for it. ¬†This may sound like a typical weekend night for most of you, but my anxiety does not often allow me to do that sort of thing. ¬†It’s days like this when I know how much therapy with L has affected me. ¬†It is really exciting to watch (and feel) myself growing emotionally and socially. ¬†Letting myself have fun and letting people into my life has been such a rewarding experience thus far. ¬†I am looking forward to a lot more of that in the next few years. ¬†So, going out last night was a “risk” of sorts for me — I made myself vulnerable — but it turned out beautifully. ¬†Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith with something or someone and sometimes you have to hold your heart in your hands and let someone else touch it and sometimes it pays off.

That’s all I’m saying for now.

What “risk” have you taken lately? I don’t care if you think it sounds silly! ¬†Everyone’s experiences are different — people have varied anxieties and likes and hurts and dreams and fears.

Marathon Training: I did indeed get my 12 miles in bright and early yesterday morning! ¬†I felt surprisingly good, although I was a little bored. ¬†I love the way running makes me feel, but even the most dedicated, passionate runner will admit that once in a while, it gets boring. ¬†I tend not to get bored on trails, but doing laps around CP is, well…not the most scenic thing in the world. ¬†I never listen to music while running — just a personal preference. ¬†I like that it gives me time to think though. ¬†I did 4 miles with 5×100 strides thrown in tonight plus 40 minutes full body strength training.

Today’s Eats (I think this is everything, minus two spoonfuls of Mighty Maple PB and a few more cashews than are pictured):

That’s oatmeal with vanilla soymilk, a wee bit of vanilla protein powder, and sunbutter in the first picture. ¬†Skinny vanilla latte in the second.

TJ’s cashew/dried hibiscus trail mix. ¬†LOVE, by the way.

I ate a little over half of this smoothie and froze the rest.  Score one for intuitive eating!

I went in and added chocolate PB and honey to the yogurt to make it a little more filling/dessert-like.

Another day of deliciously healthy eats. ¬†I typically find that I have several days in any given week where I am unintentionally vegetarian/vegan. ¬†I am fine with that. ¬†I like my meat and my dairy just fine and have no intention of giving them up. ¬†But I also enjoy non-animal protein sources too. ¬†A lot of times I am just plain old too lazy to cook meat. ¬†I want to get some deli turkey, although I am afraid that might be ethically questionable….

I feel like tomorrow shall be a good day!

And just realized school starts in two weeks. ¬†Crap. ¬†I don’t want to go to class.

Any other students about to start?  Looking forward to it?  If so, why, might I ask?

Grainy Day

Today’s Happy Note: Sleeping in! ¬†I don’t work until 10 some mornings. ¬†I passed out at eleven last night and woke up at nine this morning. ¬†I felt wonderful!

Today was just one of those days where I wasn’t happy, wasn’t sad, wasn’t angry or excited or anxious. ¬†It’s not that I didn’t feel anything, it was all just sort of murky. ¬†Hard to describe. ¬†Not really like I was in a funk but just sort of…cloudy? ¬†Not gloomy though. ¬† I am generally a very emotionally sensitive person and I feel things very deeply; this was almost a welcome break. ¬†I wasn’t depressed or moody at all. ¬†I guess the day just sort of glided by and now that it’s over I can’t quite characterize it — like it was a grainy photograph.

I spent two hours with friends this evening doing stuff for work. ¬†I had a really wonderful moment somewhere in there where I forgot about all my problems. ¬†I love how friends can do that. ¬†I realized that I wasn’t thinking about food or money or sadness. ¬†I wasn’t berating myself over my size. ¬†I was just me. ¬†I love how being with people I care about sometimes solves all my problems.

Friends and loved ones, of course, cannot fix everything.  Sometimes there is a deeper sadness.  But, as L has helped me figure out, it is possible to survive the sadder times.  I will survive.

A few weeks ago I was having a particularly anxious day at therapy and L asked me what helps me calm down. ¬†Running, reading quietly, taking a nap, and just sitting with someone I love who cares about me. ¬†That last one really is a big thing, and I am coming to see more and more lately how healthy relationships affect me. ¬†When I told her my list, she said simply, “I care about you.”

It was one of the nicest things someone has said to me in a long while. Reason number 14224 why I love her.

Do I add nut butter to everything I eat?  No.  Just most things.

Confession: I just realized that part of the reason my dinners never fill me up is that I am afraid to have it in more than one plate or bowl.  Which means there is usually only one thing involved, and that is never enough!  Tonight I had a big bowl of oats with peaches and dark chocolate and a small bowl of yogurt with coconut and a sprinkling of trail mix.  It did the trick.

I have been loving me some grains lately — literally craving them, which is pretty unusual for me. ¬†I tend to fear excess carbs, but let’s face it: no one ever died because they were eating too much oats and brown rice and millet.

Today was a rest day. ¬†Normally I do weights and kickboxing on Mondays, but between a long run yesterday and speed work tomorrow, I wanted something a bit calmer. ¬†I did a little over three miles walking and 20 minutes of yoga and abs. ¬†I don’t like waking up super early to run and would prefer to do it around three or four, ideally, but it is going to be hot hot hot tomorrow so I know I have to get out by seven. ¬†Uh-oh, that means it’s past my bedtime now!

Goodnight, sleep tight.

Oh, and hello new readers! ¬†Don’ be afraid to say hello. ūüôā

Therapy Tuesday

Today’s Happy Note: Getting out of the city! ¬†Got to go visit a college in PA with my babies (aka high school students I work with). ¬†It showed me that I am a capable leader and mentor. ¬†Plus, it was kinda nice driving through the Poconos.

This has gotta be a major quickie; I might just have the busiest day of my life tomorrow — including a sweet surprise that I promise to blog about (with pictorial evidence, of course)!

Yesterday workout: 6 miles (2 GP — general pace –, 2 tempo, 2 GP) plus four accidental walking miles.

Today was not the best day in terms of eating OR marathon training. ¬†With the training, I was supposed to do an easy three miles with strides; I just decided to swap that out with Friday’s rest day. ¬†I am so busy during the middle of the week. ¬†Hopefully that settles down once school starts. ¬†I walked a few miles and did some gentle stretching. ¬†Eating: I did take pictures of everything, and most of it was relatively healthy, but it was too much. ¬†I know I wasn’t hungry for all of it. ¬†Do you ever just feel like you desperately need to eat even though you aren’t hungry? Oh well. ¬†Tomorrow is a new day, and there are far worse things in life than consuming extra calories via almond butter, fruit, yogurt, and dark chocolate.

I am proud of myself because, even if my eating is still not perfect, I am beginning to recognize my patterns. I know Monica is working on this right now too and it is harder than it sounds. ¬†Am I hungry? ¬†Sad? ¬†Ecstatic? ¬†Confused? ¬†Do I eat a lot in the evening? ¬†Do I feel fuller when I have PB for dessert or cereal (PB!)? ¬†Am I lonely? ¬†Am I restricting and then overcompensating? ¬†Am I eating enough to fuel me through a six or eight mile run — or am I using that as an excuse to eat too much?

I DON’T have all the answers, but I AM realizing that the journey is pretty fun. ¬†I am learning so much about myself. ¬†For example, I just noticed something important today: computer troubles=eating troubles para Caronae. ¬†Nothing stresses me out quite like a computer problem — even if it’s something really small. ¬†So I have noticed this, and I know that I have an arsenal of alternative tools (i.e., not emotional eating): beautifying myself (painting my nails, eyebrow plucking, doing my hair, getting a massage), and curling up with tea and a stack of magazines. ¬†Those are just two little things that make me happy right now!

A few eats:

Bacon has been involved.

Yum!

Therapy Tuesday

Today was characterized by our shared laughter. ¬† I don’t really know how this happened — certainly not everything I said (or L said) was funny — but it happened, and once we started finding humor or joy in things, we couldn’t stop. ¬†It was lovely. ¬†I had two main announcements to make (both of which you already know):

1. I am applying to law school in the fall and,

2. I am going to be running the marathon come November.

I honestly just haven’t had a chance to tell L either of these things yet. ¬†I started with number one. ¬†I was a little bit surprised by her reaction, which was not one of warmth, and undying support. ¬†Looking back, I guess I didn’t really need that anyways. ¬†Sometimes I feel like L knows what’s best for me even when I don’t know what’s best! ¬†Anyways, she basically encouraged me, but also reminded me that I am young, that I can and should do more research, and that I should think about what exactly this means to me and what I want to do with my life. ¬†These are big questions that I am not necessarily ready to tackle, but I am glad she reminded me that, at the very least, that can be floating around in the back of my head. ¬†I was mildly annoyed at her because I sort of thought she was lecturing me and sounding exactly like my mom does about school stuff. ¬†I felt as though she was telling me that I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m a baby and blah blah blah. ¬†I told her this and she sort of gently pointed out what she really meant and noticed that I was doing a bit of projection of my mother onto her. ¬†Point taken.

But I was feeling a bit wound up, unsettled, and anxious at this point. ¬†But: I let her in. ¬†I let L know about this, about the turmoil that was mounting inside me over such a small thing. ¬†And one of the things she said actually comforted me quite a lot: I stated that when this happens — when I get anxious and panic in the moment of therapy — I feel like I’m wasting my(limited) time with her, and she said that this is my life; this is real and these are my feelings and what better thing than for them to happen in the moment with her, so that she can help me figure them out? ¬†Brilliant!

She sort of walked me into talking about the marathon, even though I didn’t want to. ¬†And guess what? ¬†Again, ¬†I ended up feeling better. ¬†She is so damn smart sometimes it scares me.

L was happy for me about the marathon. ¬†Sometimes I wish she could be more involved in my real life. ¬†But it was nice today to have that brief moment where my real life and therapy sort of merged. ¬†That was new. ¬†And to have everything be sort of light — I actually don’t think I cried at all, which is highly unusual. ¬†It was just like the littlest things about our relationship became humorous; like we know each other so well that we can laugh about each other, at each other.

So today was new.  Refreshing.  Intense but calming.  Funny, real, jarring.  Wonderful in many ways.

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