Today’s Happy Note: I have discovered that I can safely eat dark chocolate. My life is so much better now. 🙂
- I have purchased an LSAT study guide. I am officially going to apply to law school in the fall. This is very scary. If I am in law school — no, if I am even applying to law school — I must be an adult. A real live adult. Weird.
- I miss running. I’m going to have to do some yoga or else I will go crazy.
- Books are good. Books are my friend. Books never let me down. Sometimes people let me down.
- My parents are the best parents in the world. Trust me. My mama calls me Bunny Rabbit and my papa calls em Cupcake.
- Summer and I are not friends. As I was explaining to a real friend the other day, summer just makes me wilt. I honestly get exhausted, tired, cranky, overheated…I hate it after about five minutes. I hate walking the ten minute walk to work and arriving with my face covered in sweat. I should not have to be mopping my brow at 9 in the morning. This is why my family lives in Canada and Michigan (although summers there are rather hot as well). I am moving to Norway. And becoming a reindeer herder. When I grow up.
- I need to bake. ASAP.
- I am graduating from college in less than a year. I still feel like a baby. I’m pretty sure most of my relatives think I’m about five.
- I have eaten non-bread foods today! Not much, just a bit here and there: frozen berries, frozen coconut bar, a bit of oatmeal, a few peanuts. Just to break up the monotony a bit and get some energy into my system. I am craving veggies, meat, and healthy fats like nobody’s business.
- The first meal I make after this wretched infection is gone might have to be Averie’s rice paper wraps with tofu, avocado, zucchini, and peanut sauce.
- Yes I am planning ahead for what I will eat when I’m all better. Also on the list: Mediterranean pasta salad, spaghetti with meatballs, hummus and cheese sandwiches, quesadillas, fish, shrimp salad. Greens with EVOO. Real food. And lots and lots of protein.
Therapy Tuesday (lots of thoughts today — bear with me friends!)
This was my first session — and pretty much my first significant interaction with another person — since my illness/hospital visit. I started by telling L all about that. She was very responsive and sweet and acknowledged my thoughts and fears. I wanted to talk more about the experience but I couldn’t really get beyond “I was scared.” I did talk about how loving and helpful and supportive my mom and dad were. That was really important to me these past few days. I didn’t realize this at the time, but I didn’t want today to turn into a look at my relationship with my parents. What I wanted — and needed — was a very gentle session in which L just sort of metaphorically held my hand. All weekend, that’s what I wanted: for someone to hold my hand. That was what I needed today and, unfortunately, I didn’t consciously realize that. L was by no means mean, but today was absolutely a tough session. Once I broke down I never really resurfaced.
One thing I did enjoy about today was that L focused on our relationship sometimes — the “here and now” or “in-between” of psychotherapy. It was refreshing and a bit fun to think about how she was making me feel in the moment or how we were perceiving one another. Mostly, I felt a lot of confusion-frustration towards L. Which I told her about. I felt like this because it seemed like we just kept miscommunicating. I often feel like she is criticizing people I tell her about (for example, my family members). But when I told her this, she made it clear that she is just trying to figure out the situation — not to judge anybody, especially people she doesn’t know,
Specifically, we talked today a lot about how people in my family deal with emotions. This was interesting, if not frustrating. My mother is emotional and compassionate to a degree that affects her personal and professional life. My father has always been much more objective and rational, but he has always kept his emotions locked inside; he isn’t really managing his feelings either. We talked about my impressions of these examples and how they affect me. For some reason it made me really angry when she brought this up. After a while I figured out why: I don’t care. Or at least in the moment I don’t care. I told L this and told her that it upsets me to not care. But for some reason in her presence I just get frustrated when we talk about serious things and I respond by not caring. When I told her about my not caring issue she said (albeit gently) something along the lines of, “well, we have to figure out why.” This further frustrated me: when she says this kind of thing, it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Like I’m no good at therapy. Like I’m not getting better. I have really struggled a lot with feeling like I’m not “improved” lately. I know I mentioned a few weeks ago that maybe it isn’t about consciously improving, maybe it’s just about relating to L, sharing my experiences, telling my stories and seeing how things fit together. I honestly don’t know.
We spent a lot more time talking about how I feel “stuck” and “not ready.” I’m not sure where this phrase came from, but it caught on pretty quickly: I feel like I’m not ready. For new friendships, meeting men, getting out more, being member of the “real world.” I guess I feel more ready than I did nine months ago. But when I get upset during therapy, in the moment, I panic. I panic so hard and I only just realized this. My biggest issue with feeling unready — besides the panic — is that I feel like being stuck makes me destined to live in misery until we fix things, which might not happen for years. Trust me, I’ve had my fair share of misery already.
Mostly, I just want this feeling of stasis to go away. First of all, I know it’s not true. Secondly, it’s really damaging and hurtful to me. I pointed this out to L and she reminded me that she isn’t hurting me: this is a story I’m telling myself. Speaking of stories I tell myself:
I also spent time today talking about how much I miss the very intimate, powerful friendship I had with my writer-friends. It was a set of very rare relationships and circumstances that I feel like will never happen again. Why do I feel this way? Because good things don’t happen to me. I don’t have friendships like that. People don’t love me that way. At least, this is what I tell myself. I have loved my three years of college tremendously and I have many dear friends, but haven’t experienced that same wonderful relationship. Yet. L politely pointed out that I do not have a crystal ball. I will have friendships like this again in the future. This is another story I tell myself. It is simply not true.
Why am I so negative? How can I try so hard to believe in myself but still feel like such a failure?
At the end of today L asked me how I was feeling and I just told her “frustrated.” Terribly, terribly frustrated. I am not sure why, but she asked me where — physically — I was feeling this. It was totally in my hands. They were tense, anxious, zipping around. I was trying desperately to show her my frustration in the way I moved my hands. I meant to ask her why she asked me this but I didn’t. I think the way we physically feel things is important, but at that point, this didn’t feel the most relevant.
So today was strange. Very strange indeed. There were good moments and bad moments. A lot of frustration. Not a failure of a session by any means; but confusing. L simultaneously tells me that I am different now, that I deal with things differently, I cope better. But also that we need to “fix things” or “improve.” She doesn’t explicitly say this but that is the sense I get and the sense means everything. So there is a sort of double message, which I hate. I hate hate hate feeling like this.
There are, however, good things I took away today as well: it is nice to have someone who unconditionally loves you. Of course my family members do, but things are different with L. Looking at our relationship has been enlightening and enjoyable. It is imperfect, but I also deeply adore her. It is natural for people to become attached to their therapists (sometimes people fall in love with them; it’s called transference). I try to be wary of this and to see L as a normal person. Ultimately, I think she simply cares deeply about me and wants to help me help myself in any way I can. In the end, I know this and have faith in this, so even frustrating sessions like today don’t destroy me.
Sorry for the monster post! Sometimes I just have so much in my head and if I don’t get it out it becomes tremendously stressful!