An Exhausted Pumpkin Seed

Today’s Happy Note: My new string of fake pearls! ¬†My cousin recently moved from NYC and gave me some things she wasn’t taking:

I am NOT normally a take-my-picture in the mirror girl, but I made an exception for this necklace. ūüôā

A few notes…

I’m getting to a point in the school year where I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed. ¬†I have a lot of schoolwork and reading. ¬†I’m a history major which means that I spend a lot of time, well, reading history. ¬†History is long. Historians are verbose. ¬†School has to be a big priority in my life. ¬†It’s feeling like I have a million priorities right now. ¬†I certainly like being busy, but I also know that I do need to devote myself fully and passionately to the things that I do. ¬†All this is the long-winded explanation for why blog posts will be inconsistent for the next two to three or so months.

Inconsistency upsets me, so I might like to have an actual schedule of inconsistency. ¬†That makes no sense, but whatever. ¬†Perhaps every other night? ¬†I’ll see what works. ¬†But, especially during the school week, I need evenings to focus on schoolwork. ¬†Last night I went to the library for the first time all semester. ¬†That needs to happen more often.

Another note: Marathon Training. It’s getting annoying. ¬†I’m exhausted. ¬†I originally was planning on rearranging my runs for the week, but I quickly realized that I’m just too tired. ¬†I have some weeks where I am more tired than others (both sleepy-tired and physically-tired) and this is a very tired week. ¬†I took a four hour nap this afternoon.

I’m coming to understand that I need to be flexible with the plan and be gentle with myself. ¬†My body is not some sort of crazy marathon-running-automoton. It has aches and pains, wants and needs, tired moments, lively moments. ¬†I need to listen. ¬†I ran 57 miles last week and so far, this week, I have done four (last night — an easy four with 6×100 strides in the last mile and 20 minutes yoga). ¬†I skipped out on 14 miles worth of speedwork. ¬†I am really struggling with feelings of guilt.

Any other marathoners out there who can relate?

I want to not feel guilty, but it’s there. I know that, at this point, I have a solid enough running ability and cardio-base built up and that I need to take a break when I need to. ¬†So this week I’m taking it easy. ¬†So there.

Onto some fun eats from the past few days!  Many of which have involved pumpkin, hence the title of this post.

Guess what? ¬†Tonight, I do not want to run. ¬†I just don’t have it in me. ¬†So I’m going to do what I do want to do, which is swim!

I really want to be in the pool again.  I miss it!  I used to swim hardcore in high school.

I refuse to let marathon training get in the way of what my body really wants to do. I have a history of over-exercising and I will not get into that cycle again.  I will not do what my body does not want to do.  I have a feeling that this will pass and, in a day or two, I will be ready to run.

Until then, I shall be a little fishy.

Eating Things In Jars

Today’s Happy Note: Lots of time talking with an awesome friend tonight. ūüôā ¬†Sometimes that is exactly what you need!

Looooonnnngggggg day.  Started at 8:00 AM and ended at 10:00 pm.  In and out of the apartment, at the store, at the office, on the phone, frantically emailing, on the bus, to another store, picking up bagels, on the computer, entering data into spreadsheets, organizing last day of classes for second job, crazy, crazy, crazy.

Mental Health Note: I practically didn’t have time to breathe. ¬†But I have learned something really valuable about myself in the last year or so: when I have days or moments like this, frantically, overwhelmingly busy, I tend to wind up sad, anxious, ¬†and depressed. ¬†I tend to get riled up and never get un-riled. ¬†So I like to plan out something nice for myself in advance! ¬†okay, so I didn’t really plan today. ¬†But ¬†it worked out, because I got to spend some quality time with two great friends. ¬† Talking and giggling and wondering and smiling and just knowing each other. ¬†I love that.

No time for a workout today! ¬†I thought about getting up at 6 to run but I wasn’t in bed until 2. ¬†I slept in until 8 instead, which was definitely the better choice. ¬†I was on my feet all day though; definitely walked several miles. ¬†And lugged around several pounds of juice and bagels all over the city. ¬†This is what my job entails.

I made a most excellent food discovery today! ¬†You all know I love my OIAJ. ¬†Well, introducing…

Stir Fry In A Jar!

Last night I wanted something easy to make and portable to take. ¬†I had an almost-empty Mighty Maple pb jar in the fridge. ¬†The cogs in my head started moving…I love maple and peanuts in a stir fry. ¬†I had everything I needed on hand: tofu, salt, EVOO, lemon pepper, green bell pepper, carrots and rice. ¬†I sauteed everything together and steamed the rice then combined.

Holy moly this was wonderful!  Like, maybe life-changing-wonderful.

I would do this with regular PB or perhaps even AB as well.  I want to try it with pad thai next.  Yum yum yum, nom nom nom.

Also eaten in a jar: dessert.

A bit of coconut gelato and various chocolate pieces.

I shall have to experiment with eating more things in jars!  Ideas?  Thoughts?  Do you like food in jars?

Goodnight friends.  Happy Friday!

Revelation: Balance

Today’s Happy Note: Discovering wood sculptures along the river during my morning run! ¬†There were quite a lot of them, made from tree stumps and driftwood; they were really artistic. ¬†I wonder who did them?

I was proud of myself for getting ¬†up to run this morning. ¬†The humidity was practically deadly and my legs were tired from yesterday’s workout (hello squats and lunges!) but I made it through 4.5 miles. ¬†I also walked about 4.5 miles throughout the day. ¬†So I ended up getting in 9 miles without even trying to! Weird.

Work was productive at both jobs. ¬†Busy busy busy day (although I did get a break from 3-5). ¬†I’m now watching Bethenny Getting Married (aka the best reality TV show ever).

I had a revelation on the way home from work this evening. ¬†I have been feeling a lot of anxiety about the weight loss; I have gained and lost the same 10 or 15 pounds several times in the last three or four years, each time ending up weighing a little more than when I started. ¬† ¬†Every time I would weigh myself and see a number close to the overweight range, I would freak out and go into “extreme thinking” mode for a few days — I would not eat anything at all, then eat a big meal, then starve myself the next day.

On my walk home, there was a beautiful cool breeze blowing into my face. ¬†I relaxed and loosened up for a moment. And I said to myself: this time it is not about starving myself or having rules. ¬†It’s about finding the balance. ¬†For the first time in my life, I am approaching weight loss (however minimal) in a balanced way. It’s about finding real, healthful, satisfying foods that nurture my body and my soul. ¬† I have never thought of weight loss like this before. ¬†Certainly I have had a good grasp of healthy eating, but I have always reverted back to restrictive habits and destructive rules. ¬†And you know what? ¬†It has never worked.

So here I am.  Twenty years old.  Having a little breakthrough.

Enough of that.  Onto my balanced eats from today!

Banana-berry smoothie made with vanilla hemp/whey protein, soy milk/kefir, and topped with flax AB.

Salad the size of my head with greens, sprouts, cucumbers, eggplant, and leftover meatballs.  Diet peach iced tea snapple.

Farmer’s market bounty!

Kinda random afternoon snack, but it was exactly what I wanted.  Half of a cream cheese chocolate chip bread with PB and chocolate AB.  Hey, at least there were some serious healthy fats going on.  I also had a few tiny handfuls of trail mix.

Evening snack (I don’t get home from second job until almost nine so I always pack two or three snacks):

Best. ¬†Flavor. ¬†Ever. ¬†I’m not a huge Larabar lover but these new flavors are awesome. ¬†Peanut butter+chocolate is obviously the best flavor combo ever, as we all know.

I was hangry for dinner! ¬†Good thing I knew exactly what I wanted. ūüôā

Greens, cukes, eggs, salt, iced tea.

Can’t forget dessert!

Chocolate-peanut-caramel protein powder blender with a cup of vanilla soy milk, xantham gum, and an entire tray of ice cubes.  Topped with Lindt dark chocolate.  This was really good.  I love the volume factor!

Another day of delicious, clean eating. ¬†I know that I don’t need to deprive myself or get so anxious over the weight. ¬†I am doing just fine. ¬†Not to mention the fact that who I am on the inside hasn’t changed at all. ¬†I’m still my same self: writer, believer, dreamer, dancer, runner, yogini, lover, friend, woman. ¬†Thanks so much to all of you who have pointed this out over the last few weeks while I have struggled over my body image. ¬†You are all such wonderful friends!

Goodnight and happy Friday to you all!

Edited to add: just had some more chocolate and a glass of soy milk. ¬†I think it was actual hunger and my 9 miles just caught up to me. ¬†I feel more satisfied now and I know I don’t want anything else! ¬†Time to close the kitchen. ūüôā