Today’s Happy Note: The sunshine on my skin in the afternoon.
Mental Health Note: I have been struggling a bit lately, I must admit. I don’t necessarily feel sadder than usual — in fact, I feel more in control of my depression than I have since, well, before I was depressed (which was long, long ago — like middle school long ago). It’s the body image stuff. It’s miserable. It’s painful. It makes me want to die, in certain ways. I feel like I’m being taken back to a dark place in my life — say 2-4 years ago — where my body was never good enough. Every single day was spent hating myself, because of my body. Everyday. I thought of so many ways to say “I hate you” that it isn’t even funny. It wouldn’t even make a bad comedy routine. It’s too sad.
So this moment finds me facing difficulties with my body and my weight, and, as a consequence, my mental well being. The most frustrating thing about this anxiety and weight gain and hatred and queasiness — whatever you want to call it — is the fact that I know better than this. I know not to do this. Not to work myself up into this state.
I guess that admitting how much I am struggling is a good first step. Better than outright saying “alright, I’m a failure, I’ll just give up and let it all get worse.”
Also, I surprised myself and opened up to USB about it. That was a big step for me, I think. A really big step that I’m proud of. And L, as always, has been there for me. I think I sent her an email late last night and she responded today, a Saturday, with a long comforting response. I guess I haven’t talked a lot about therapy/L lately, as things have become more and more private, I guess. It’s a really beautiful feeling to know that someone is there for you 24/7, no matter what, when, where, why. She’s there. And I need her, very much, at this moment in my life.
Grete’s Great Gallop Race Report!
This morning was my third official half-marathon! Unlike my first two (read my recap of the NYC half here), I was not going into this one with the goal of running fast or PRing. I had two goals:
1. Get into a “race mentality” — early wake-up, race breakfast, getting ready to run fast.
2. Run slightly under Marathon Goal Pace.
That’s it. Plain and simple. And I satisfied those two goals, which means that I am happy with the experience.
A few notes:
~I probably should have slept for more than 4.5 hours last night. USB is such a wonderful, wonderful distraction though…I’ll be sure to get 8-10 hours of sleep before the marathon.
~I went out at a solid 10:00 pace and worked my way down to a 9:00 (overall average pace was 9:36). This is good. I would like to replicate this slower-to-faster strategy on marathon day (although probably being a bit slower overall).
~I think GU Shot Blox are my favorite mid-run fuel. I had to take a clif mojo bar today which wasn’t ideal. I also need to figure out my ideal method of carrying fuel or water.
~It’s time to get new shoes!
~If I can run a half marathon in 2:05:50 at the end of a 57-mile week, with relative ease, I most definitely can run a marathon, while tapered and well-rested and properly-fueled, under my goal pace of 4:30!
So today was an experiment of sorts. A happy, succesful experiment. I’m pleased.
Oh, and USB took me to get a foot massage afterwards. I can’t really explain what I feel for him. But just know that it’s a lot. I feel a lot.
Tell me about your weekends thus far?!?! Any races? Long runs? Non-running related exciting happenings?
What do you do when you feel like you’re in a mental health rut — like you’re slipping and you want to be able to get a better hold of things but you don’t know how?