Today’s Happy Note: I’m content right now. There are things to be done, papers to organize, a swirl of feelings sweeping around in my body. There are ideas to process and LSATs to study for and emails to be sent and bills to be paid and dry cleaning to be taken in. There are letters to be written, friends to call, my legs are all cramped and stiff. But I am content.
Mental Health Note: A year ago, two years ago, these types of feelings completely overwhelmed me. There was no coping. There was no contentment. There was binging and self-hatred and fat talk and distress. Everything is not perfect now, but I can cope, on some levels. I am beginning to have that ability; I need to remember this when I get stressed about therapy not “going anywhere.” L has helped me get somewhere. Here: where I can have a rough idea of contentment and coping and lying on my back over my cool sheets and just breathing.
Weekend Workouts: Yesterday I did four easy miles and 30 minutes of abs/back strength at the gym. Today I did a ten mile long run. I feel silly using the words “ten mile” and “long run” in the same sentence. But I worked damn hard for those ten miles. Accomplishments come in different forms — sometimes an accomplishment is a 34 mile ultramarathon, other times an accomplishment is getting up and leaving the hospital. Speaking of which, today is the one month anniversary of my being admitted to the hospital with pulmonary emboli. It’s crazy that it has been that long, but it also feels like no time at all. I will continue to respect my body, care for it, and take pride in all of its accomplishments.
I needed to get out of the city to run today. I headed North to Westchester county, which has a decent trail system. Next time I will go further North, since I ended up in a fairly suburban area. I like wilderness. I like knowing that there are no other human beings or man made structures for miles. Sometimes I want to go to Wyoming or Montana or Alaska and just run for days. The run itself was pretty crappy. Meh. I felt like my legs weighed a hundred pounds. Each. I was struggling. But I finished, which was a mental and physical accomplishment. So I’ll take it.
Started the day with oats made with half soymilk/half water, frozen blueberries, and a bit of vanilla protein powder.
Yes, I eat things out of pyrex. Yes, I am a food blogger (sometimes). So sue me.
Unfortunately, while delicious, this breakfast reminded me why I never ever eat an actual meal (however small) before a morning run (especially a long run). At this point, I have learned that plain jane oats or a banana is about all I can handle.
Snacked on dried fruit on the train ride home (there is a lot in that container) and an unpictured iced vanilla latte:
Grabbed a SIAB (raspberry/banana/vanilla) to take on the run to meet the lovely, smiling Joanne.
We saw Eat Pray Love. I like chick flicks. I love Julia Roberts. I like good storytelling and good writing. I like journeys and discovery. I like when women understand the importance of understanding themselves.
Therefore I liked it. Enough said.
Snacked on TLC afterward and got WF hot bar upon realizing I was too hungry to make it home sans food.
Dessert: Frozen blueberries with chocolate hazelnut butter and mini PB cups from TJs.
Yesterday, walking back from the gym, I saw a woman who seemed to me to have a perfectly proportioned, measured body. Of course, this is an extraordinarily subjective statement, but let’s put that aside for now. I admired the presence she had in her hips, the small belly, the way her skinny jeans fit. And I heard myself say (in my head), “I would give anything to look like that.” Of course, my rational side kicked in and said “that’s ridiculous”, but then something else happened. I asked myself, really, what would I give?
And I couldn’t think of a single thing. I would not relinquish my creativity, my writing, my piles and piles of poems. I would not trade in my ambition or my sense of justice or my weird thought patterns. Nor would I give up my intelligence, endurance, strength, health, friendship, compassion, or ability to love.
In short, in the span of about thirty seconds, I realized just how unimportant the precise shape and size of my body is. In fact, it is at the bottom of my list. Thinness translates into nothing else: it will not make me a succesful lawyer, it will not make someone truly fall in love with me, it will not help me understand who I am, where I come from, and where I am going.
Whew. Enough about me. That was a long post! Did you have any adventures this weekend? Any major realizations?
Edit: About to go find another small snack…