Grainy Day

Today’s Happy Note: Sleeping in!  I don’t work until 10 some mornings.  I passed out at eleven last night and woke up at nine this morning.  I felt wonderful!

Today was just one of those days where I wasn’t happy, wasn’t sad, wasn’t angry or excited or anxious.  It’s not that I didn’t feel anything, it was all just sort of murky.  Hard to describe.  Not really like I was in a funk but just sort of…cloudy?  Not gloomy though.   I am generally a very emotionally sensitive person and I feel things very deeply; this was almost a welcome break.  I wasn’t depressed or moody at all.  I guess the day just sort of glided by and now that it’s over I can’t quite characterize it — like it was a grainy photograph.

I spent two hours with friends this evening doing stuff for work.  I had a really wonderful moment somewhere in there where I forgot about all my problems.  I love how friends can do that.  I realized that I wasn’t thinking about food or money or sadness.  I wasn’t berating myself over my size.  I was just me.  I love how being with people I care about sometimes solves all my problems.

Friends and loved ones, of course, cannot fix everything.  Sometimes there is a deeper sadness.  But, as L has helped me figure out, it is possible to survive the sadder times.  I will survive.

A few weeks ago I was having a particularly anxious day at therapy and L asked me what helps me calm down.  Running, reading quietly, taking a nap, and just sitting with someone I love who cares about me.  That last one really is a big thing, and I am coming to see more and more lately how healthy relationships affect me.  When I told her my list, she said simply, “I care about you.”

It was one of the nicest things someone has said to me in a long while. Reason number 14224 why I love her.

Do I add nut butter to everything I eat?  No.  Just most things.

Confession: I just realized that part of the reason my dinners never fill me up is that I am afraid to have it in more than one plate or bowl.  Which means there is usually only one thing involved, and that is never enough!  Tonight I had a big bowl of oats with peaches and dark chocolate and a small bowl of yogurt with coconut and a sprinkling of trail mix.  It did the trick.

I have been loving me some grains lately — literally craving them, which is pretty unusual for me.  I tend to fear excess carbs, but let’s face it: no one ever died because they were eating too much oats and brown rice and millet.

Today was a rest day.  Normally I do weights and kickboxing on Mondays, but between a long run yesterday and speed work tomorrow, I wanted something a bit calmer.  I did a little over three miles walking and 20 minutes of yoga and abs.  I don’t like waking up super early to run and would prefer to do it around three or four, ideally, but it is going to be hot hot hot tomorrow so I know I have to get out by seven.  Uh-oh, that means it’s past my bedtime now!

Goodnight, sleep tight.

Oh, and hello new readers!  Don’ be afraid to say hello. 🙂

9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. shesarunner
    Aug 09, 2010 @ 23:22:32

    I love the symbolism that you used- like a grainy photograph. I’ve definitely had days like that. I usually have more “down” days lately, but in the midst of eating disorder, my brain was pretty foggy and I had many grainy days. And sometimes I just have those days when I’m numbed out and going through the motions, and just don’t feel much. I think it’s a good analogy.

    And never be afraid of carbs! That was a fad diet. I know it’s hard to get past food fears or food hang ups, but you are absolutely right when you say that they won’t kill you, and they don’t make you gain weight either! I promise. Also, you don’t have to be afraid of using more than one dish. I do it all the time! Sometimes it’s necessary when you want to eat different things that don’t taste good all mixed together. And if you want a more filling meal.
    Have a great night!


  2. Sarah
    Aug 10, 2010 @ 01:51:32

    I like that analogy – I’ve definitely had grainy photograph days! I found that really moving when you wrote about sitting with someone who cares about you. I think it’s something we human beings don’t tell each other enough, especially in families like mine, in which everyone avoids saying things with emotional connotations.

    And for the record, I care about you.

    Sarah x


  3. Anne @ Food Loving Polar Bear
    Aug 10, 2010 @ 02:13:56

    Oh, I love sleeping in.. especially during the week, which I actually can do only about 2 times a year 😀


  4. Joanne
    Aug 10, 2010 @ 05:42:33

    I think the in-between days are definitely a nice respite from the emotionally insane days. I have a feeling in-between is where I reside most of the time. I’m not happy but I’m not desperately sad either. Oy and now that I’ve realized that I’m not really sure how I feel about it. Hmm.

    If you ever need someone to talk to, don’t be afraid to pick up the phone and call me! I care about you chica.

    I love eating my meals in multiple bowls. They seem so much more filling that way…


  5. Gabriela @ Une Vie Saine
    Aug 10, 2010 @ 07:33:14

    I feel you with the grainy days. Sometimes I feel like I should be feeling something, but I don’t feel anything at all…I can’t decide whether it’s better to feel things too deeply, or not enough. It depends on the emotion, I guess. I’m glad you found peace with your friends and L…we absolutely have to get together sometime, just the two of us. I’d like to get to know you better 🙂 Hope you have a wonderful Tuesday love!!


  6. kbwood
    Aug 10, 2010 @ 09:44:12

    YAY FOR SLEEPING IN!!!!!!!!!!
    thats awesome girl!!!
    I am so glad you bumped up that dinner! I literally have 5 plates around me, haha.


  7. Christine @ Grub, Sweat and Cheers
    Aug 10, 2010 @ 11:39:18

    I totally get those ‘cloudy’ days too. Great way to put it. And I love this line “but let’s face it: no one ever died because they were eating too much oats and brown rice and millet”. So true. Every now and then that old carb-phobia voice of mine kicks in and it’s hilarious because I can’t think of a time I was more miserable with my food than when I did Atkins. I used to weep passing bakeries. It made me a crazy(ier) person. Now crusty French bread would be one of my death row meals.

    I also love the ‘I care about you’ comment. Simple words, big heart behind them. Lovely.


  8. kaztronomic
    Aug 10, 2010 @ 17:39:43

    I have days like that, too, where I sorta just feel ‘bland’ and like I’m going through the motions, but I’m not unhappy or upset or anything…it’s like, I just “am”.

    I’m glad you learned more about nourishing your body with multiple plates of food! Sometimes a bit more variety also helps with satiety, too. =)

    I think it’s really sweet that your therapist said she cares about you. You come across as very care-about-able. I don’t know you very well, but I care about you, too!


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