Today’s Happy Note: Getting out of the city! Got to go visit a college in PA with my babies (aka high school students I work with). It showed me that I am a capable leader and mentor. Plus, it was kinda nice driving through the Poconos.
This has gotta be a major quickie; I might just have the busiest day of my life tomorrow — including a sweet surprise that I promise to blog about (with pictorial evidence, of course)!
Yesterday workout: 6 miles (2 GP — general pace –, 2 tempo, 2 GP) plus four accidental walking miles.
Today was not the best day in terms of eating OR marathon training. With the training, I was supposed to do an easy three miles with strides; I just decided to swap that out with Friday’s rest day. I am so busy during the middle of the week. Hopefully that settles down once school starts. I walked a few miles and did some gentle stretching. Eating: I did take pictures of everything, and most of it was relatively healthy, but it was too much. I know I wasn’t hungry for all of it. Do you ever just feel like you desperately need to eat even though you aren’t hungry? Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day, and there are far worse things in life than consuming extra calories via almond butter, fruit, yogurt, and dark chocolate.
I am proud of myself because, even if my eating is still not perfect, I am beginning to recognize my patterns. I know Monica is working on this right now too and it is harder than it sounds. Am I hungry? Sad? Ecstatic? Confused? Do I eat a lot in the evening? Do I feel fuller when I have PB for dessert or cereal (PB!)? Am I lonely? Am I restricting and then overcompensating? Am I eating enough to fuel me through a six or eight mile run — or am I using that as an excuse to eat too much?
I DON’T have all the answers, but I AM realizing that the journey is pretty fun. I am learning so much about myself. For example, I just noticed something important today: computer troubles=eating troubles para Caronae. Nothing stresses me out quite like a computer problem — even if it’s something really small. So I have noticed this, and I know that I have an arsenal of alternative tools (i.e., not emotional eating): beautifying myself (painting my nails, eyebrow plucking, doing my hair, getting a massage), and curling up with tea and a stack of magazines. Those are just two little things that make me happy right now!
A few eats:
Bacon has been involved.
Today was characterized by our shared laughter. I don’t really know how this happened — certainly not everything I said (or L said) was funny — but it happened, and once we started finding humor or joy in things, we couldn’t stop. It was lovely. I had two main announcements to make (both of which you already know):
1. I am applying to law school in the fall and,
2. I am going to be running the marathon come November.
I honestly just haven’t had a chance to tell L either of these things yet. I started with number one. I was a little bit surprised by her reaction, which was not one of warmth, and undying support. Looking back, I guess I didn’t really need that anyways. Sometimes I feel like L knows what’s best for me even when I don’t know what’s best! Anyways, she basically encouraged me, but also reminded me that I am young, that I can and should do more research, and that I should think about what exactly this means to me and what I want to do with my life. These are big questions that I am not necessarily ready to tackle, but I am glad she reminded me that, at the very least, that can be floating around in the back of my head. I was mildly annoyed at her because I sort of thought she was lecturing me and sounding exactly like my mom does about school stuff. I felt as though she was telling me that I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m a baby and blah blah blah. I told her this and she sort of gently pointed out what she really meant and noticed that I was doing a bit of projection of my mother onto her. Point taken.
But I was feeling a bit wound up, unsettled, and anxious at this point. But: I let her in. I let L know about this, about the turmoil that was mounting inside me over such a small thing. And one of the things she said actually comforted me quite a lot: I stated that when this happens — when I get anxious and panic in the moment of therapy — I feel like I’m wasting my(limited) time with her, and she said that this is my life; this is real and these are my feelings and what better thing than for them to happen in the moment with her, so that she can help me figure them out? Brilliant!
She sort of walked me into talking about the marathon, even though I didn’t want to. And guess what? Again, I ended up feeling better. She is so damn smart sometimes it scares me.
L was happy for me about the marathon. Sometimes I wish she could be more involved in my real life. But it was nice today to have that brief moment where my real life and therapy sort of merged. That was new. And to have everything be sort of light — I actually don’t think I cried at all, which is highly unusual. It was just like the littlest things about our relationship became humorous; like we know each other so well that we can laugh about each other, at each other.
So today was new. Refreshing. Intense but calming. Funny, real, jarring. Wonderful in many ways.