Therapy Tuesday

Today’s Happy Note: Getting out of the city!  Got to go visit a college in PA with my babies (aka high school students I work with).  It showed me that I am a capable leader and mentor.  Plus, it was kinda nice driving through the Poconos.

This has gotta be a major quickie; I might just have the busiest day of my life tomorrow — including a sweet surprise that I promise to blog about (with pictorial evidence, of course)!

Yesterday workout: 6 miles (2 GP — general pace –, 2 tempo, 2 GP) plus four accidental walking miles.

Today was not the best day in terms of eating OR marathon training.  With the training, I was supposed to do an easy three miles with strides; I just decided to swap that out with Friday’s rest day.  I am so busy during the middle of the week.  Hopefully that settles down once school starts.  I walked a few miles and did some gentle stretching.  Eating: I did take pictures of everything, and most of it was relatively healthy, but it was too much.  I know I wasn’t hungry for all of it.  Do you ever just feel like you desperately need to eat even though you aren’t hungry? Oh well.  Tomorrow is a new day, and there are far worse things in life than consuming extra calories via almond butter, fruit, yogurt, and dark chocolate.

I am proud of myself because, even if my eating is still not perfect, I am beginning to recognize my patterns. I know Monica is working on this right now too and it is harder than it sounds.  Am I hungry?  Sad?  Ecstatic?  Confused?  Do I eat a lot in the evening?  Do I feel fuller when I have PB for dessert or cereal (PB!)?  Am I lonely?  Am I restricting and then overcompensating?  Am I eating enough to fuel me through a six or eight mile run — or am I using that as an excuse to eat too much?

I DON’T have all the answers, but I AM realizing that the journey is pretty fun.  I am learning so much about myself.  For example, I just noticed something important today: computer troubles=eating troubles para Caronae.  Nothing stresses me out quite like a computer problem — even if it’s something really small.  So I have noticed this, and I know that I have an arsenal of alternative tools (i.e., not emotional eating): beautifying myself (painting my nails, eyebrow plucking, doing my hair, getting a massage), and curling up with tea and a stack of magazines.  Those are just two little things that make me happy right now!

A few eats:

Bacon has been involved.

Yum!

Therapy Tuesday

Today was characterized by our shared laughter.   I don’t really know how this happened — certainly not everything I said (or L said) was funny — but it happened, and once we started finding humor or joy in things, we couldn’t stop.  It was lovely.  I had two main announcements to make (both of which you already know):

1. I am applying to law school in the fall and,

2. I am going to be running the marathon come November.

I honestly just haven’t had a chance to tell L either of these things yet.  I started with number one.  I was a little bit surprised by her reaction, which was not one of warmth, and undying support.  Looking back, I guess I didn’t really need that anyways.  Sometimes I feel like L knows what’s best for me even when I don’t know what’s best!  Anyways, she basically encouraged me, but also reminded me that I am young, that I can and should do more research, and that I should think about what exactly this means to me and what I want to do with my life.  These are big questions that I am not necessarily ready to tackle, but I am glad she reminded me that, at the very least, that can be floating around in the back of my head.  I was mildly annoyed at her because I sort of thought she was lecturing me and sounding exactly like my mom does about school stuff.  I felt as though she was telling me that I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m a baby and blah blah blah.  I told her this and she sort of gently pointed out what she really meant and noticed that I was doing a bit of projection of my mother onto her.  Point taken.

But I was feeling a bit wound up, unsettled, and anxious at this point.  But: I let her in.  I let L know about this, about the turmoil that was mounting inside me over such a small thing.  And one of the things she said actually comforted me quite a lot: I stated that when this happens — when I get anxious and panic in the moment of therapy — I feel like I’m wasting my(limited) time with her, and she said that this is my life; this is real and these are my feelings and what better thing than for them to happen in the moment with her, so that she can help me figure them out?  Brilliant!

She sort of walked me into talking about the marathon, even though I didn’t want to.  And guess what?  Again,  I ended up feeling better.  She is so damn smart sometimes it scares me.

L was happy for me about the marathon.  Sometimes I wish she could be more involved in my real life.  But it was nice today to have that brief moment where my real life and therapy sort of merged.  That was new.  And to have everything be sort of light — I actually don’t think I cried at all, which is highly unusual.  It was just like the littlest things about our relationship became humorous; like we know each other so well that we can laugh about each other, at each other.

So today was new.  Refreshing.  Intense but calming.  Funny, real, jarring.  Wonderful in many ways.

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. shesarunner
    Aug 04, 2010 @ 22:48:53

    I’m so happy to hear you had a good day! I love your last sentence of this post.

    Re: the eating issue, yes I have felt that I desperately need to eat even though I’m not hungry. I especially felt this way when I first began recovering from an eating disorder and I had an overwhelming weight gain goal. But even after I was “weight restored” I still got that feeling from time to time. I had somehow learned to use food as a way to numb myself. Not a habit that I really wanted to learn, and it’s a hard one to beat for sure. But honestly, I think you are doing so well. No one ever has “perfect” eating habits. There is no such thing. And you can recognize the things about your eating that you might like to change, and over time you will get there. But for now, remember it is okay that you are not there yet. We are all working towards something, and every day you will learn more about yourself and your relationship with food.

    I really admire the way you talk about therapy, and how open you seem to be with your therapist. I can tell that you are so committed to therapy and that you really reflect on everything that you talk about. This must help you get the most out of your therapy sessions and I really hope to be able to talk so openly with someone one day, like how you do with L.

    Reply

  2. kaztronomic
    Aug 05, 2010 @ 01:35:43

    We all have those days where we eat because of mouth hunger and not really hunger-hunger. You were able to recognize it for what it is, though, and that’s great! Everything you ate looks like it was delicious! 😀

    Your therapy sounds like it went excellently! I’m glad to hear it. L does sound very smart, and she sounds like she’s good at guiding you through your thoughts and feelings. That’s wonderful. =)

    Reply

  3. Averie (LoveVeggiesAndYoga)
    Aug 05, 2010 @ 01:45:53

    hi caronae, just wanting to say hi, and glad that you are here on earth with us..you had quite a month last month…omg! and just wishing you continued health!

    Reply

  4. Sarah
    Aug 05, 2010 @ 06:18:35

    It’s good to hear that you are appreciating the actual process of exploring your relationship with food, and as always, interesting to hear about your thoughts on therapy. I think it takes time and some trial and error to find out what we want to do in life, and I’ve tried several career paths – academic, police officer, florist…which didn’t work out before I realised that art was my true calling…even now I still get fleeting moments of doubt. Try what feels right, and whether it works out or not, you’ll always learn something valuable from the experience. Law school or otherwise, I reckon you’ll have alot of fun figuring out who you want to be 🙂

    Sarah x

    Reply

  5. Joanne
    Aug 05, 2010 @ 06:49:09

    I definitely have those days where I feel like I’m eating just to eat. Need to get better control over them. I feel like once I start running again, it will all be better. I’ll just be happier. And happier means less emotional eating. But you’re right. A little extra AB, dark chocolate, and yogurt never really hurt anyone.

    I’m so glad you had a good therapy session!

    Reply

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