Today’s Happy Note: Despite my long, stressful day I was able to consciously take some time for myself. I got up early to do a little workout and ate a quick dinner when I got home at nine so I could read/blog/read blogs. These few small moments have made a big difference in my anxiety level (compared to the middle of the day).
So. I ended up at four different doctors today. Four. That’s more doctor’s appointments than I would like in a year. Yuck. I had two in the morning, then therapy, then went to my office for a whopping half hour, scarfed lunch, then headed to see my doctor for lab stuff, then went to another doctor/radiology for more labs, then rushed to my other job. So, long day. Not a bad day, just exhausting, physically and emotionally.
The first doctor I saw (reproductive endocrinology) was The. Biggest. Bitch. Ever. She treated me like I was a complete idiot who knew nothing about my condition or my body, was shockingly rude, and did a hurried and poor physical exam. She tossed all my questions about fertility aside. I’m not really one to complain about these things, but my hormones are one of the major components of my health affected by the PE and I just don’t want them to be screwed up. I have PCOS, I cannot now (or ever again) take birth control or any other hormones, and I have concerns about how this will affect my ability to make babies in the future. I think that’s valid. She told me that concern was irrelevant, and didn’t hardly even explain why. She then spent the rest of the visit screaming at me to lose weight, which I had told her at the very beginning I was trying to do. She seemed to have little concern for my psychologically precarious position regarding weight and body image.
The other doctors were wonderful and understanding though. I still need to have a lot more tests done to determine the cause of the PE.
Meh. Not documenting all the eats today because I need to write about therapy. But I kept track and didn’t do any unnecessary snacking.
I know I have some new readers out there! In case any of you are wondering what Therapy Tuesday is: I go to therapy with my lovely (although sometimes we clash) psychologist L. It has been a very important experience to me. I know that people often don’t “get” therapy or just don’t know what it’s about. For me, it has meant several things: I have someone who consistently cares about me, listens to me, and thinks about me; I have someone to relate to, vent to, or cry to, every week, rain or shine; I have someone who helps me understand how the different pieces of my life fit together; I have someone who wants me to live a happy and satisfying life and will do anything to help me get there.
I usually write about both the content and the process of each session. I don’t always share it all on the blog, for obvious reasons, although I am pretty open about it, so please feel free to ask me questions about my experience or what therapy is like. I think it’s really important to record my feelings and thoughts from the session and from after the session.
The overarching theme of today was dealing with stress in healthy ways (although that is a slight oversimplification). I have had a lot of stressors lately: being so ill, family issues, anxiety/panic about work, confusion about the future/law school, and just generally feeling a bit run down by my busy summer (not to mention the stressful doctor’s appointments I had just come from). I told L about all these things. We had a nice back and forth thing going today. I love that she actually talks to me and doesn’t just sit there like a piece of wood. So I would talk a little bit about a stressor and then we would look more closely at what it felt like, what it reminded me of, how I might respond. I felt like our conversation, particularly her responses, was very direct today (which is nice), but also very intimate/emotional. I didn’t cry at all. That hasn’t happened in a long time.
We also talked about how I connect with the people I love in my life. How I reach out to them and how I perceive them and how they might perceive me. It’s sort of funny; we tend to think that we are always doing everything “right” in a relationship, but it is so easy to overlook the intricacies of the other person’s feelings, thoughts, and concerns. I think it’s important to really think about how our actions affect those around us, and how we might be more compassionate (always). I am not so good at this yet, it’s just a seedling of a thought in my head right now. Friends and family are truly lifelines.
It sort of felt like we kept reaching dead ends today – we would talk about one thing and look at my feelings or concerns and then have trouble connecting that to something else. But I don’t know that that was really the case. Instead, I would say that we simply leafed through a lot of different “pages.” It wasn’t necessarily disconnected, and I wasn’t uncomfortable. Feeling physically comfortable in the moment of discussion is very important. I have gotten better and better at this – there were times in the past where I would just sort of sit in the far corner of the couch, away from L, and not look at her, and just sort of be in my own little world. It sounds a bit hokey, but I feel like our little physical worlds are connecting more and more, and I think that this means our emotional worlds are moving closer and closer together as well.
One other thing we talked about was yoga. I was telling L about my newfound discovery that soothing myself or talking myself down or doing nice things for me is “allowed.” She pointed out that it’s okay for me to feel all those stresses mentioned above (they aren’t just going to disappear!), but I can learn to just be with them and not have them take over my life. In order to do this, it is helpful to be kind to myself. At some point she sort of randomly asked me if I do yoga. Looking back, it wasn’t so random, since we were talking about being kind to myself and learning how to manage my feelings, and I feel like those things are absolutely tied to yoga. I told her yes and we had a whole wonderful conversation about that: what it means to me, why I like it, what sort I like to do, when, how often, what the class is like, what the spiritual and emotional components are like. Her curiosity made me curious and I asked her if she does yoga. She said that she does. We talked some more about each of our practice. It was really nice to connect with over this. It just felt soothing, or right, or comfortable. And the truth is that yoga has helped both my mind and my heart grow so much in the last year or two.