Adventure Saturday: Ocean, Body Image/Weight Concerns

Today’s Happy Note: Vitamin D overload.  Sunshine! 🙂

I ended up walking 5 or so miles yesterday; I also did a 20 minute yoga core download.  Today I did 3-4 miles walking, 2 miles running (on the beach!!!) and lots of playing in the water.

I had an awesome beach trip.  I always forget that Manhattan is so close to the ocean.  Twas lovely!

Confession: I felt so unbelievably, ridiculously fat in my swimsuit.  I wanted to hide in the changing rooms and cry.  I told my dad that I should not be allowed on the beach without a sign that said “whale.”

And then I hate myself for hating myself so much.  Oh, the irony.

The reality is that, between the GI illness and the hospitalization, I have gained about ten pounds.  I am not someone who could afford to gain ten pounds.  I’m pretty sure this makes me borderline overweight.   I don’t care so much about that label as feeling good and feeling confident.  I don’t feel either right now.  I feel enormous.

I am not necessarily mad at myself: I have hardly been able to workout in the last month, and I have been quite stressed.   I respond to stress by eating emotionally and gaining weight easily.  Seriously, I probably even gained weight when I had my GI thing and all I could eat for three or four days was the occasional piece of toast.

I played on the beach today for hours and ended up having a lot of fun; I dug my toes into the sand, ran up and down, jumped over the waves, swam through the waves, and bothered my sister (endlessly entertaining).  So I am not entirely focused on my body, but it is still there.  It’s this painful, nagging thing in the background.  It’s like something isn’t quite right, and my body knows this, physically and mentally.

The thing that works best for me is not obsessing, but not being lax either.  Counting calories, tracking meals, only “allowing” certain food: none of this works for me. This all creates more tension and anxiety and makes me more sad and I feel worse about my body and I end up eating more.  Funny how that cycle works.  But at least I can recognize it.  In fact, I think I do know what works: eating three wholesome meals a day (plus an afternoon snack and a small dessert), with lots of healthy fats, protein, and veggies, and not snacking in the evening.  It’s as simple as that.

Pretty straightforward.  That’s my plan.  I do intend to use the blog to keep myself accountable. Accountability is where I have failed in the past.  So I intend to do a tiny little check-in with myself when I post, mostly to note whether or not I have been mindlessly eating in the evenings.

Once in a while, I might share a full day of eats.  Like today, since I figured it would be a good idea to have a baseline image of how much I need in a day on an active day where I don’t overeat.

I am sorry if this upsets anyone: if you feel like this would not be a good idea for you to read about, PLEASE skip over it.  I would not want to hurt anyone, especially if you have a history of ED/disordered eating.

Breakfast was flax oatmeal (TJ’s brand) with part of a peach (would have used it all but parts were squishy and I hate that) and a giant scoop of AB.  One of my favorite breakfasts!

Lunch=giant salad with cucumbers, zuchinni, carrots, microwaved eggs, and avocado.

Afternoon snack — it was super melty since it had been at the beach with me all day and it was a hundred degrees!

A few bites of coleslaw and a giant Asian chicken salad for dinner (the size of my head).  You can’t see the chicken and other toppings, but I promise they’re there!

On the left is a peanut butter cup shake I had before going to a play with my dad and sister.  Right was my before blogging/bed snack of a small Godiva truffle.  I REFUSE to go without dessert.  Ever. Regardless of my weight.  I’m sure this is some kind of dieting sin.  But I don’t care.

So there you have it.  I do want to lost a bit of weight.  It’s very hard for me to find a balance between vigilance and obsession; I am aiming to use the blog to help me find a balance over the next few months (that won’t be the only thing on the blog though, don’t worry!).   Due to my body’s natural  (and rather unfortunate) chemistry/metabolism, I do need to have a certain vigilance.  It sounds bizarre, but if I am not careful and I gain weight now, I could screw over my fertility in the future.  Very random, I know.  But I want to be a mother more than anything in the world and so I am not going to take any chances with this.

Any thoughts?

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17 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sarah
    Jul 25, 2010 @ 01:00:29

    Aw chick sorry to hear you’re having body image/weight concerns right now. You are, after all, recovering from a life threatening illness, and events as major as this interfere with routine where food and activity is concerned.

    The most important thing to remember is that you will be loved no matter what weight you are. However, I appreciate that for you there are health issues at stake, and that you want to get to a point which you feel is healthy and comfortable for you. So I will read/support you through whatever journeys you feel you need to take (within reason of course ;)!), and I reckon once you are back to your usual routine, things will improve for you physically and mentally anyway.

    Remember not to be too hard on yourself, you’ve had a hard time, and things will work out. You have an amazing body (look at all you’ve gotten through this year alone!) and a personality to match 🙂

    Sarah x

    Reply

  2. Trackback: Adventure Saturday: Ocean, Body Image/Weight Concerns « Run. Write … Body On Me
  3. ~Jessica Zara~
    Jul 25, 2010 @ 05:08:15

    I think your intake looks very balanced and I think you’re approaching this in exactly the right way: with polycystic ovarian syndrome it’s important to pay attention to sugar levels and balance them with low GI foods, but I’m sure you know that already. Perhaps some carbs at lunch and dinner would be a good idea since you’re so active? Just a thought anyway!

    With all that you’ve been through I think that you really do need to give yourself a break/cut yourself some slack though ~ I can understand that weight gain is traumatic from any perspective (I dealt with the same thing after my surgery, which co-incidentally was the result of polycystic ovaries too after one of the cysts grew out of control) but remember that you’re still healing, and you’re still an amazing person no matter what you look like or weigh.

    ~Jess~
    xxxxxxx

    Reply

  4. Joanne
    Jul 25, 2010 @ 06:36:31

    If I could tell you how much time I spend hating myself for hating myself about my weight…it would be a lot of time. That being said, I also like to keep in mind that I can’t actually see myself the way that other people see me…even when I was a hundred pounds…I still couldn’t see how thin I was. So it’s always good to keep that in mind.

    I think you’re going about this entirely the right way babe. Still eating healthy, not restricting yourself. Slowly but surely the weight will come off!

    Reply

  5. She-Fit
    Jul 25, 2010 @ 09:01:57

    I’m sorry! I feel your pain with the swimsuits… I think all girls go through it. Just keep pushing through. We are always our worst critic. Just keep eating healthy and exercising. I’ve learned losing weight is 80% nutrition and 20% exercise so make sure to eat your fruits and veggies 🙂
    ps- Check out my page of DuVita’s Balance Plus… It’s an all natural Chinese Herbal mix/supplement that restores the body’s physiological system. I think you would really benefit with your GI problems.
    http://she-fit.com/duvita/

    Reply

  6. Ameena
    Jul 25, 2010 @ 12:22:14

    Wearing a swimsuit is pretty much the hardest thing in the world so I understand what you are going through! I can say that now that I am 34 I feel far more confident than I did when I was younger and I can go swimming without feeling too self-conscious!

    Eating and exercising right is the only way to make a lasting change and you are totally on the right path!

    I refuse to go without dessert too!!

    Reply

  7. Ameena
    Jul 25, 2010 @ 12:22:47

    PS – For GI issues I highly suggest checking out Digestive Advantage. They sell it on Amazon.com and it has helped me enormously.

    Reply

  8. Lauren @ BIOCHEMISTA
    Jul 25, 2010 @ 14:58:57

    I swear no matter how fit I am I am always uncomfortable to some degree in a bathing suit. I try to tell myself that EVERYONE has insecurities (for me my stomach) and when people look at me they are not zoning in on that area. They look at the WHOLE ME and the whole me is a lot more attractive when I’m happy, confident, and carefree.

    I think blogging about what you eat is a good idea unless it stresses you out. I get stressed accounting for EVERY meal so I only post what I want to post. But that’s just *me*. Do what’s best for *you*.

    PS…So jealous you are on the beach! I’m just sweating my arse off in DC! LOL

    XX,

    Lauren

    Reply

  9. kaztronomic
    Jul 25, 2010 @ 16:04:18

    I’m sorry that you feel uncomfortable in your body right now. You’ve had some very stressful months as of late. -hugs-

    No matter how you feel, I think you’re beautiful. You’re strong and wise and amazing, and you can do anything you set your mind to.

    I love how you’re not giving up dessert! There is *always* room for dessert. Your approach to your health is smart and reasonable! Awesome. 😀

    Reply

  10. runnerstrials
    Jul 25, 2010 @ 17:25:48

    I am so sorry to hear you’ve been struggling with an illness. And I’m also sorry to hear about your body image issues 😦 I really hope you can find balance and achieve a healthy weight in the best way that works for you.

    Reply

  11. therabbitrunner
    Jul 25, 2010 @ 17:31:07

    you + me = same eating style. I HATED counting calories because i felt so restricted and was constantly afraid of food/numbers. I hated going out & eating different foods. I’ve maintained my weight without counting for a while now. I just make sure to have fruits and veggies every day.

    Reply

  12. Gabriela @ Une Vie Saine
    Jul 25, 2010 @ 19:16:10

    I’m not going to comment much on the weight-loss thing because yes, thinking too much into stuff like that is still triggering for me, but it sounds like you have a really healthy mentality about it. Do what makes you happy and healthy, but realize that you are capable of being loved and loving yourself regardless of your size. I mean that 🙂

    “I REFUSE to go without dessert. Ever. Regardless of my weight.” AMEN sister. Life is too short to deny yourself that pleasure. Dessert is good for SANITY!!

    Hope you have an amazing start to your week love!!

    Reply

  13. Melissa @ Tryingtoheal
    Jul 25, 2010 @ 19:24:14

    ah honey, i’m so sorry to hear your had such a hard time at the beach, but hae no fear, you are not alone. i feel like that all the time unfortunately, but ya know what, as much as we’re worrying about everyone looking at us and thinking certain things, they’re all too worried about themselves!

    alas, i’m like you and eat emotionally and gain weight. i have had the can’t have this, obsess, calorie count mentality for years and it simply doesn’t work. eat when i’m hungry, stop when i’m full and if i feel anxious and want to eat, do something absolutely opposite and stay occupied.

    i know you can do it honey. if the emotional eating is a big thing for you and getting over it, i totally suggestion geneen roths Breaking Free from Emotional Eating. it will change your life; it sure did in mine!

    Reply

  14. Kate
    Jul 25, 2010 @ 19:51:05

    oh lady! i feel you on this issue. i gained about 20lbs over the course of a year and half of stress and emotional eating. i’d try cutting out stuff to lose weight and would end up eating more and blah blah blah. you definately know what i am talking about. eventually i realized that i deserve to treat myself better and good food is more valuable than that too. it was a long process but i got there and am doing pretty well now.

    and you are awesome! seriously, i so admire your honesty and openess, ability to find something positive and curious spirit!

    Reply

  15. imaginenamaste
    Jul 25, 2010 @ 23:12:54

    Body image stuff is so hard–thoughts are hard to change. I admire that you could still have some fun, even when uncomfortable.

    Reply

  16. Darya
    Jul 26, 2010 @ 11:31:31

    Dear Sister, You look adorable in your swimsuit, but I would recommend shaving. And not being so hard on yourself. Curvy is beautiful, not everyone needs to be a toothpick. Also, please find a new hobby, bothering me is not a legitimate one. ❤ Dar

    Reply

  17. Christine @ Grub, Sweat and Cheers
    Jul 27, 2010 @ 10:28:02

    So many good comments here. Love your sister’s!

    Have you read Eat What you Love, Love what you eat? I know you had mentioned reading Women, Food and God recently and this is along the same lines but a bit more practical. A very good read in terms of what you are saying, including things you love, not making foods off limits or calorie counting (*shudder*) yet remaining accountable to your appetite and spirit too.

    Glad to hear you had fun though!

    Reply

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