Today’s Happy Note: It rained. Hard. And I didn’t have an umbrella. And not one but TWO people loaned me umbrellas. I do indeed have people who love me. 🙂
Got to go to bed early tonight so I can run in the morning! I’m a tired girl right now — Tuesdays and Thursdays I work 9-9 so not much time for a workout. Excited to run tomorrow AM though!
Therapy today was actually quite soothing. I have struggled a lot lately with opening up and letting L into my world, but today I felt comfortable and contented exactly where I was at. I felt like we sort of met each other in the middle; like I could be open to her because she was being open with me. I also think I did a better job today of consciously soothing myself when I began to feel panicky.
I mentioned last week that I was going to compile all my therapy thoughts since January (all of which are documented on the blog) into one epic therapy saga and give it to L. When I arrived, I decided that it would be helpful for both of us for me to read the entry from last week out loud. I was a bit nervous since it feels so personal and a little painful, but I did it. Afterwards, I asked her if she thought it was mean or unkindly or offensive. She was quiet for a while, actually. I don’t usually see her thinking like this — she tends to think very quickly most of the time. She said that she didn’t feel a sense of meanness, but a lot of sadness for both of us. For me, because clearly I have been in pain and have struggled to let her in; for her because she has not been helpful to me and has left me feeling tense and shaken lately. For once, we were on the same plane, we were thinking and feeling the exact same things. This felt wonderfully powerful for me. It was a lovely connection, even if it did revolve around a sense of sadness.
I feel like it’s sort of hard to describe the rest of the session; like if I try to explain what we were talking about or how we were relating, I’ll just fuck it up. Basically, we looked at what it means to share yourself in an emotionally intimate way with someone; what it might mean to heal or to help someone else heal. It was a very back and forth thing; I think she opened up to me in a new way today as I opened up to her as well. I have felt a lot of curiosity about her lately and told her this. I asked her a little bit about herself and it was not just interesting for me to hear her responses, but also helpful, I think, for me to know a little bit about what she has been through. I like to know what “real adult” lives are like sometimes. I know she has had her fair share of struggles and this, somehow, gives me a newfound confidence in our relationship: it is easier to know that her life has not been perfect. All of this is very vague, but that was sort of the tone of our conversation. Vague, yet comfortably intimate.
I talked a lot about how I perceive her and what she seems like to me. I definitely mentioned how much I feel like a loser who sucks at therapy and doesn’t deserve to get better. She calmed me down here and praised me for my openness, honesty, and consistency in therapy. I felt really just…nice…when she told me this. It was nice to hear her tell me that she knows I am very dedicated to therapy and to learning about myself. We all want to be liked and praised sometimes. And to be honest, I am starting to feel like maybe I am learning new things about myself and about how I relate to others. I tend to have pretty low self-confidence, and feeling like I am bad at therapy has destroyed what little belief in myself I have had. So starting to feel like I am doing well at therapy again — like it is meaningful and I am lovable — is quite significant.
I know this is all really unclear. Our conversation today was not the most concrete. But I think the important thing to take away is that I feel soothed and calmer and happier, which is such a blessing for me right now. Leaving therapy feeling tense and angry the past few weeks has been tremendously painful for me, and I am glad that this has turned around, even if it is not necessarily clear what direction we are headed on.
I am excited to get to know myself better through getting to know L better. Does that make sense? When I ask her questions and learn about her intimate life, even if only a little bit, I learn about my vulnerabilities and tender parts.
Hope you are all having a wonderful week! I’m off to bed, goodnight friends.