My Name Is Caronae And I Like To Eat

Today’s Happy Note: World Cup watching with friends!  Also, I got to see the room I am going to be living in come September and it is nice and relatively spacious (for a dormitory).

Workout: Five and a quarter mile HOT run followed by a 90 minute vinyasa class at Yoga Shala. Sometimes I feel really stressed out and can’t get into a run; usually this comes down to having pre-planned my mileage and route.  I have found that if I let myself go for however long I want, however far I want, and in whatever direction I want, I feel much better.  I always felt that if I let myself run the way I actually wanted to, I wouldn’t go far enough or burn enough calories.  But that isn’t the case at all!  Being happy and calm during a run is definitely worth sacrificing a mile or two.  And you know what?  When I’m happy, I usually end up running further anyways.  It’s kind of a win-win situation.

Onto other things.  More edible things…

Hi.  My name is Caronae.  And I like food. Tasty food only, of course.  Non-tasty foods need not apply.

Protein ice cream = always tasty.

I’ve never met a blueberry-banana smoothie that I didn’t love.

And egg, cheddar, and greens sammies never fail to produce many, many noms.

My camera died just before dinner but it was so delectable I just might die if I don’t describe it: mahi-mahi burger (from WF) topped with a “salsa” made from basil, pineapple, and cucumber.  Served with a side of leftover pasta salad.  This is pretty much the definition of summer dining.

I am slowly coming to the realization that it’s okay to like food.  I’m writing a little memoir/vignette for a writing exchange with Sarah and it is about food.  At first I was infuriated at myself for choosing a food-related memory.  Our topic was simply “Summer.”  Why couldn’t I write about playing on the playground or swimming at the beach or going on canoe trips with my dad?  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that food is a healthy part of both our emotional and physical lives.  It sustains and nourishes us, but it also makes us happy and helps us connect with others. In the memory I chose, food (specifically a miniature pie — sorry for the spoiler Sarah!) helps me connect to my sister and clarifies my love for her.  The food, as a child, helped to outline the ways in which we related.

I often stare at thin women who seem to be eating large meals or, well, pretty much anything other than salads.  I envy them and think, “how do they eat so carelessly?”  But I have been able to reframe that question as of late and have begun to wonder “why don’t I just let myself enjoy food more?”  Sometimes I might want to eat a big dessert at a restaurant, or have a slice of pizza after a night of partying (okay, so that only happens like twice a year or so, but I needed an illustrative example).  Sometimes I am so focused on eating — eating X amount of fruits and veggies or forcing myself to eat a meal at a certain time or restraining myself from overeating — that I forget about the actual food!

It’s just food!  And damn it, sometimes it is meant to be enjoyed.  Those women I see eating “without abandon” are not necessarily voracious bingers who have endless problems in their relationship with food.  They might just be enjoying a nice meal.  So I am making a new goal for myself: really think about what I am eating.  Make more consciously enjoyable choices.  Maybe having a big dinner out is okay.  I am sure that it has become clear I struggle with balancing my eating.  Too much/not enough/too healthy/too unhealthy.  But I think that part of the answer to this little dilemma lies in simply enjoying the food that I am eating at the moment I am eating it.

So tonight, as I was eating my fish and my pasta salad, I decided that I wanted a glass of almond milk on the side.  Normally, this sort of extravagance would not be allowed.  But is a small glass of milk ever going to kill me?  Am I so concerned about getting fat that I can’t eat what I want sometimes?  I don’t want to live like that.  In the past week or so, there were a few days when I ate my afternoon snack at 3:00, instead of between 4:00 and 5:00 which is when it is normally “allowed.”  This is obviously ridiculous.

So.  Hello!  My name is Caronae.  And I like my food.  Sometimes I eat it purely out of hunger.  Other times it is a social thing.  Other times, it fulfills a want.  And this is okay.  It is hard for me  to accept this new way of eating, but I am going to try!

This week is looking to be busy.  Lots of work stuff.  Hopefully some nice changes in therapy.  A personal training appointment.  Events with friends!

What is on your plate (forgive my pun) this week?  Anything exciting?


12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Maggie
    Jul 11, 2010 @ 22:01:59

    I like food too.

    I am actually my thinnest when I stop caring. When I start caring I obsess and that leads to bingeing. I’m workin on it 😉

    On my plate this week – wedding planning, house cleaning, and, of course – endless amounts of work. I’m excited though 😀


  2. thehungryscholar
    Jul 11, 2010 @ 22:07:02

    This week I will finish my thesis and I will send it in! I must! Ha, ha. Those easy (yet boring) tasks are always the ones I put off.

    Wasn’t the World Cup final sooooo long. 🙂


  3. Sarah
    Jul 12, 2010 @ 01:18:17

    If it makes you feel any better my writing piece features ice cream and sweets 😀
    I look forward to seeing yours, whatever you choose to write about I will value it because it is from you 😉

    It is ok to like food, and I like people who are brave enough to admit this in a society that seems to be hellbent on making the people hate so many foods and label them as ‘bad’, as if it’s wrong to enjoy nice food. Besides, you always have such tasty looking food anyway – I want to demolish your egg sandwich!

    Sarah x


  4. Ameena
    Jul 12, 2010 @ 07:29:04

    I agree with Maggie that I am at my thinnest when I stop monitoring every thing I put in my mouth. Also, not working out like a madwoman has helped enormously as well. I don’t have the crazy appetite I used to have!

    Anyway, I like food too! Great post.

    I am in DC this week so who knows what might be on my plate. Other than Maya driving me nuts in a small hotel room of course.


  5. foodiefresh
    Jul 12, 2010 @ 10:36:19

    I want to point out something, and I hope this is a comfort to you. Observing a few minutes of someone’s meal does not give a complete picture of that person’s overall eating habits. I have a super tiny friend who skips breakfast, barely eats lunch, and then will eat a fried chicken sandwich with fries for dinner, washed down with a soda. This friend’s blood pressure is through the roof and she’s beginning to lose her fast metabolism. Other people will eat a meal like her dinner and then try to eat more healthfully the next day, while still others will eat half and box the rest up. Finding your own healthy balance that is both realistic, healthy, and enjoyable is so important. I’m 27 and I’ve just come to grips with that in the past year. It’s a journey and I’m sure you’re going to be find your own way.


    • caronae
      Jul 12, 2010 @ 10:42:07

      You are right, of course! For me, the important thing to notice is that people DO enjoy their food sometimes and that just because someone is thin doesn’t mean he or she is healthy. 🙂


  6. Gabriela @ Une Vie Saine
    Jul 12, 2010 @ 12:01:19

    This is such a great post. I can totally relate to how you feel, though I do think I’ve gotten better at this in the past few years. Drinking used to horrify me not because I was afraid I’d do/say something stupid, but because I was afraid of what I’d eat drunk. And you know what? I eat whatever I WANT when I’m drunk. There’s no filter telling me what I should or shouldn’t eat, or that curly fries are off limits, or whatever. I’m not touting drinking as some kind of cure-all, but it did help me realize that junk food won’t kill me. Also, eating around groups of people helps me with this too. No one else is eyeballing out the pasta salad to make sure it’s approximately 1/2 cup. No one else is sneaking a glance at the Twizzlers package to see what a serving is. It took me forever to feel comfortable eating around people again after ED, but now, it’s how I feel most comfortable, because I’m too distracted to pay attention to the ED thoughts.

    I’m just catching up on old posts and I saw the goals one- I’m on board with you!! Twizzlers and curly fries are delicious, but I’ve had a wicked stomach ache these past few days and I’ve resolved to clean up the eats during the week so I feel healthier for the weekend.

    Hope you’re having a wonderful Monday so far!!


  7. shesarunner
    Jul 12, 2010 @ 13:15:31

    This post really hit home for me. I always feel strange saying that I like certain foods because it makes me feel ashamed and I label myself as a “pig” or something equally ridiculous…I’ve gotten better at this, but still struggle with it. Sometimes I think it is simply because I am incredibly self critical and I will jump at any chance to tear myself apart, no matter what it is. I also know that I still have a lot of eating disorder thoughts, so that is a big part of it. The key for me is to remember what is logical (ie: it is okay to like a certain food or food in general, in fact it is abnormal not to) and also to not compare myself to other people and tune out what other people say. I am often affected by other people’s actions and also what they say about themselves or their own eating habits. Like “I can’t eat chocolate, I’m watching my weight” or something like that. I have to dismiss it, otherwise it really gets to me.
    I caught up on some of the posts I missed- I’m glad you are feeling better and I think that all your goals sound wonderful. I hope you have a great week! xoxo


    • caronae
      Jul 12, 2010 @ 13:25:37

      Other people’s comments about food/weight get to me so much, but you’re right, it is best to just keep calm and not let it affect you. I need to focus on me more and not worry so much about what other people are thinking or doing!


  8. ~Jessica Zara~
    Jul 13, 2010 @ 06:15:24

    Just the title of this post made me want to dance on the spot. I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of months now but I’m always a little shy to comment for the first time…but I relate so much to all the things you write about: the need to be constantly moving, eating and exercising dilemmas, low self-esteem…and I too love to eat. In a society which promotes self-denial and presents eating as something to be ashamed of, I think more of us need to admit that we do love food, and that’s okay! It doesn’t make us greedy, it isn’t something to be ashamed of. Often binges and overeating episodes happen precisely because we feel guilty, and want to punish ourselves for enjoying food…and paradoxically end up NOT enjoying it as a result.

    Love your blog, adore the way that you write and rationalise your thoughts…and I am in awe of your recovery from your terrible stomach virus. I am also stunned by the amazing distances you can run!

    I see so much potential in you and hope that one day you will too 🙂



  9. Christine @ Grub, Sweat and Cheers
    Jul 13, 2010 @ 11:43:54

    Love the new look!

    And love your thoughts about food. It’s always meant to be enjoyed! Food is nourishment and joy, we’ve just become so screwed up about it that we’ve made it the enemy when it wasn’t. It’s remarkable how much more enjoyable and peaceful meals are when you free yourself from the good/bad labelling of food and the hyper vigilant mode it’s so easy to become accustomed to. I still struggle sometimes to block out those old voices that scream out about calories/carbs/what have you but it’s becoming easier as time goes on!


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