Weak

Today’s Happy Note: Getting a mini massage after work.  Best $20 I have spent in, um…ever.  I LOVE when the masseuse presses hard and this guy was not afraid of the pressure.  I feel so much calmer now, less tense, and energized.  I know this sounds kinda gross, but when I get a massage I feel like all the toxins are being pulled out of my body!

I got sicker again yesterday.  I think I was dehydrated and had low blood sugar, which compounded everything.  More tests being done.  More doctors visits.  More exhaustion.  Booo.

But today I felt better (physically at least)!  I went in to work and walked about two miles and did 20 minutes of yoga.  Yesterday I walked to WF for bread — it’s 1/4 mile each away, about.  I had to stop once I got there and sit down for 20 minutes before I could walk back.  Yeah.

But I think I really might be on the upswing, finally!  I had noodles along with a crack wrap for dinner!  I am craving protein and fat so seriously right now.  But I know I need to integrate things back into my diet slowly; a veggie or two per day, meats and fats and such one at a time.

I also need to integrate fitness back in slowly. A two mile walk and 20 minutes yoga today and I was wiped.  I feel like that’s so sad.  A few weeks ago I was running 15 or 16 mile runs on Saturdays; lifting weights and swimming and going to hot yoga classes and doing HIIT and spinning and boot camp classes.  It is frustrating to know that I can’t have all those things back at once.

I feel like my body is failing me.  I feel so angry at myself — I have lost a lot of strength and cardiovascular/lung fitness in just one week.  I want to just go all out and work out for hours and hours every day.  I know that’s kind of a disordered body image thought, but I also feel like that is what I deserve: I have gotten so weak and flabby during this time off.  This is easily the worst shape I have ever been in, at least that I can recall.  I honestly can’t stand my body right now.  I know that just the other day I wrote about how in awe I am — and I am in awe!  My body is clearly very strong and powerful in ways I didn’t know — but I am also disgusted.

If I was listening to someone else say all of this, I know exactly what I would say to her: “Breathe, calm down — a week of illness has not destroyed your fitness or your health; your body is doing the best it can and is not hideous or huge; it is miraculous.”

But I judge myself far more than others.  Also: due to underlying medical issues, it actually is fairly easy for me to gain weight (and fat) and lose a lot of fitness in a week.  So there is some rationality here.  But there’s a lot of hatred as well.  And not being able to work out excessively (which has always been my weapon of choice when faced with unwanted weight gain or changes in my body) is making everything worse.

All of this results in me feeling mentally and physically weak. Not a fun combination.

I know this post is kind of a downer.  I am sorry.  Hey, at least I’ll have lots to talk about with L next week!