Weak

Today’s Happy Note: Getting a mini massage after work.  Best $20 I have spent in, um…ever.  I LOVE when the masseuse presses hard and this guy was not afraid of the pressure.  I feel so much calmer now, less tense, and energized.  I know this sounds kinda gross, but when I get a massage I feel like all the toxins are being pulled out of my body!

I got sicker again yesterday.  I think I was dehydrated and had low blood sugar, which compounded everything.  More tests being done.  More doctors visits.  More exhaustion.  Booo.

But today I felt better (physically at least)!  I went in to work and walked about two miles and did 20 minutes of yoga.  Yesterday I walked to WF for bread — it’s 1/4 mile each away, about.  I had to stop once I got there and sit down for 20 minutes before I could walk back.  Yeah.

But I think I really might be on the upswing, finally!  I had noodles along with a crack wrap for dinner!  I am craving protein and fat so seriously right now.  But I know I need to integrate things back into my diet slowly; a veggie or two per day, meats and fats and such one at a time.

I also need to integrate fitness back in slowly. A two mile walk and 20 minutes yoga today and I was wiped.  I feel like that’s so sad.  A few weeks ago I was running 15 or 16 mile runs on Saturdays; lifting weights and swimming and going to hot yoga classes and doing HIIT and spinning and boot camp classes.  It is frustrating to know that I can’t have all those things back at once.

I feel like my body is failing me.  I feel so angry at myself — I have lost a lot of strength and cardiovascular/lung fitness in just one week.  I want to just go all out and work out for hours and hours every day.  I know that’s kind of a disordered body image thought, but I also feel like that is what I deserve: I have gotten so weak and flabby during this time off.  This is easily the worst shape I have ever been in, at least that I can recall.  I honestly can’t stand my body right now.  I know that just the other day I wrote about how in awe I am — and I am in awe!  My body is clearly very strong and powerful in ways I didn’t know — but I am also disgusted.

If I was listening to someone else say all of this, I know exactly what I would say to her: “Breathe, calm down — a week of illness has not destroyed your fitness or your health; your body is doing the best it can and is not hideous or huge; it is miraculous.”

But I judge myself far more than others.  Also: due to underlying medical issues, it actually is fairly easy for me to gain weight (and fat) and lose a lot of fitness in a week.  So there is some rationality here.  But there’s a lot of hatred as well.  And not being able to work out excessively (which has always been my weapon of choice when faced with unwanted weight gain or changes in my body) is making everything worse.

All of this results in me feeling mentally and physically weak. Not a fun combination.

I know this post is kind of a downer.  I am sorry.  Hey, at least I’ll have lots to talk about with L next week!

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Amy
    Jul 02, 2010 @ 21:59:35

    I love massages!! And I agree, it feels like all the toxins are being taken away 🙂

    I hope you get better asap!! ❤

    Amy xx

    Reply

  2. Averie (LoveVeggiesAndYoga)
    Jul 03, 2010 @ 01:56:15

    “when I get a massage I feel like all the toxins are being pulled out of my body!”—that’s b/c they ARE!

    After a massage i assume you know this, but you need to drink TONS of water to encourage the toxins to be flushed, not stagnate.

    you did lose strenght in a week: 1. you didnt work out so you lost some fitness level and 2. you got horrifically!!! sick thereby losing overall fitness

    Please, start slow, and/or just walk around the block. You dont need this other stuff yet. You need to heal, your body wants to heal honey. Just take it supppppper easy 🙂

    xo

    Reply

  3. Sarah
    Jul 03, 2010 @ 02:46:26

    Aw hun, be careful not to overdo it. I know it must be so frustrating to not be able to do as much as you like, but maybe have some compassion for your body. It’s been through a tough time and it needs some love. You’ll be back running and working out eventually, but give yourself some space and time to heal. I know that’s easier said than done, and I would probably be similarly frustrated, but just know that I am thinking of you.

    Don’t give up hope, because things will get better 🙂

    Sarah x

    Reply

  4. Joanne
    Jul 03, 2010 @ 07:27:35

    Oh babe I know how you feel! When I couldn’t work out…right after I got my stress fracture I swore I could FEEL the pounds piling on. But you’ve gotta remember SO MUCH of it is mental. Don’t let the bad thoughts win.

    Also remember, you really haven’t been eating that much due to your stomach issues so that is probably really why working out is so difficult right now. As soon as you start getting those nutrients in again, I KNOW that you’ll be back to normal!

    Reply

  5. Darya
    Jul 03, 2010 @ 20:31:01

    awww sorry stuff is so hard right now 😦

    Reply

  6. shesarunner
    Jul 03, 2010 @ 23:16:40

    Aww love, I really do know how you feel. My body is much weaker than it used to be and I’m having a really hard time building my strength back up. I can barely run anymore and just a few months ago I did a 10k (I’ve never done 15 miles though…you are hardcore). I used to do kettlebell workouts and pushups with ease and now I get lightheaded and my stomach acts up. It takes time. Please try to be kind to yourself and remember that it isn’t just you, this would happen to a lot of people. (The weakness would happen to everyone after being that sick…I know you say you are more prone to it, but seriously, I can’t imagine that anyone could bounce back right away after that). Don’t be disgusted with yourself. You are beautiful and you deserve love and compassion from yourself and from everyone else. I hope you continue to build up your strength- take it slow- and feel better soon.

    Reply

  7. Ameena
    Jul 04, 2010 @ 16:27:14

    I’m so sorry that you are sick but I’m glad that things are headed in the right direction. It is so hard to start back getting fit again but before you know it you’ll be feeling great again. Don’t push yourself!

    I hope you are having a fantastic weekend!! Take it easy and rest. 🙂

    Reply

  8. Katherine: What About Summer?
    Jul 04, 2010 @ 17:40:00

    I hope you start to pick up; sometimes we get our best strength from our weakest moments. best wishes
    Katherine

    Reply

  9. Chocolate Coated Runner
    Jul 04, 2010 @ 17:57:37

    A massage sounds amazing right now…
    Happy 4th of July. Have a good one
    -Chocolate Coated Runner

    Reply

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