Today’s Happy Note: Watching Cupcake Wars. I absolutely love Cupcakes — making and eating them! My favorite is peanut butter and chocolate. What’s your favorite cupcake flavor?
Good news: I got myself a kettleball (sp?) at TJ Maxx tonight! It was only $6. Bad news: My blender is broken. What could possibly have happened? I use it a lot so maybe it overheated. It’s a basic proctor-silex. Thoughts?
Had a nice relaxing 6-mile run last night! Took today as a rest day and just did a 3-mile walk. I like having a rest day during the middle of the week, it breaks up the routine nicely.
Last night I had a mini freak-out (felt overwhelmed by work stuff) and, after taking a few deep breaths, made a plan: first I took a 45-minute nap, then read for a few minutes, then headed out for my run. I was very proud of myself for this! Normally, I would not soothe myself so well — I might choose unhealthier mechanisms which only end up making me feel worse. I decided to make a list of my favorite stress-soothing techniques:
- Going for a quick jog (doesn’t necessarily have to be an intense workout!)
- Reading books — especially my favorite Neruda collection
- Giving myself a foot massage/pedicure (nail color suggestions???)
- Playing with my hair (I love trying new styles)
- Playing mah-jongg
- Taking care of my plants, Fanny and Balthazar
- Writing-ranting in my journal
- Taking fun classes at the gym
- Yoga (especially forward folds)
- Making plans with friends for the weekend
- Thinking about (but not stressing over) my future
Unhealthy stress relieving techniques that I am making an effort not to turn to:
- Wallowing in my own pain (crying/sobbing, feeling badly)
- Isolating myself
- Punishing myself in any other ways
What’s on your instant destressing list? I would love to add plate smashing like a certain friend but I have no old plates. When I do, you can bet they’re going to be smashed. 🙂
I know this has been a talky post but I am just not in the mood for pictures. Bear with me.
Another good week with lots of insights and comfort — two of the most important things to me in my therapy experience. I love how I am learning about the actual experience of therapy. I think this is relevant to my journey; it isn’t exclusively about what’s inside my head. It’s also about how I think and speak and interact with others. All of this comes out in the way I interact with L. Sometimes, quite frankly, I just enjoy having someone to talk with seriously every week. A lot of my friends and acquaintances don’t value emotional intimacy in the exact way I do — I do not begrudge them this. We are all made differently. But I need to talk about my feelings and share them with others. I always have been this way and probably always will be! This leads me into my next point…
I have had a sort of epiphany in the last week regarding just how important my writing is to me. I have always known that writing is integral to my life, but, in reading Seducing The Demon: Writing For My Life (by Erica Jong) this past week, I realized that it is also integral to my identity. My whole way of being is tied to my writing. The good, the bad, the wonderful — it all comes back to writing. I write about everything. I share everything. I notice things. Words mean everything to me. They have saved my life. I understand that other people do not necessarily live their lives this way; Erica’s book helped me see this. And I don’t mind being “different.” I just need to be observant of that.
Another thing I have noticed about my writing lately is a new found confidence. A big thing I talked about with L today was my self-loathing. It has seeped through into most areas of my life, beginning with my body. But there is one area that it has not invaded and I will not let it invade: my writing. I believe in myself as a writer. Even if it’s just this one thing, that’s a start. I want to work with L on not hating myself so much. I really want to be a confident person — it’s not especially fun to hate my body, my abilities, my relationships with others. I agree with L that this is a sort of road block in my interactions with men. I feel like I have made so much dating/flirting/male relationship “progress” this past year and I am proud of myself for that. I know I’m ready to move forward even more, and I think this is going to be a learning experience. I certainly do not want my ability to be happy or to believe in myself to be tied to a partner, but I do think that having more experiences with men will at least help build my confidence and lessen my self-loathing. I guess this is just another “project” for the summer. I have a few boys I’m thinking of. 🙂