Therapy Tuesday

Today’s Happy Note: New book from my therapist!  She has so many and I love picking out a new one every week.  It’s such a thrill.  More on this tomorrow.

Exercise: Went to the new gym for the first time!  It’s only a few blocks away.  I ran there but threw in some extra blocks so it was a nice mile warm-up.  Once there, I did arm and chest strength for about 25 minutes, then 30 minutes HIIT on this weeeeiiiiirrrrrdddd machine.  It’s a combination elliptical/starimaster.  So you can go forward and backward and up and down, each to varying degrees.  It was fun, but I didn’t feel like I was  working that hard.  On the high intensity minutes (I did 5  WU, 20 of 1 easy/1 high intensity, 5 CD) I felt like I couldn’t get my speed up that high.  It was definitely interesting at least and a decent workout.  I also walked a few miles in one of my new pairs of shoes and they are so painful.  I never wear heels and this is why.  Anybody know of a nice heeled shoe that is also sensible for someone who walks a lot and hates foot pain intensely?

Eats Hodgepodge (Cold Food Edition):

I cannot seem to eat anything hot for breakfast, or any other meal for that matter.  So much frozen fruit, smoothies, yogurt, cold salads, raw veggies.  That is when I have any appetite at all — I’ve been having to force myself to eat dinner in the evenings.  I have no idea why.  It’s just so hot and humid and my appetite has just gone *poof*!  Anyone else experiencing this right now?

Spidery-looking dried hibiscus flowers a good snack do make.  From TJ’s.

Therapy Tuesday

Today, for the first time in a month or so, things went beautifully again!  Looking back, I see a lot of microscopic shifts in behavior for both of us.  My relationship with L (I’m tired of saying “my therapist” every two sentences so I’m officially changing her designation to “L”) is sort of a microcosmic social relationship with its ups and downs.  I still cannot pinpoint exactly why the very idea of therapy has made me feel so intensely distraught over the last few weeks.  I do know that I have felt a rather poisonous mixture of the following: fear, anger, sadness, and confusion.  Going forward, I think that I feel more comfortable just being in therapy.  It has become one of the safest spaces in my life.  Maybe that’s what my anxieties and frustrations over the last few sessions have been about: getting out those last residual feelings (sad/bad/mad/scared) and moving into a place where therapy and my therapist can, even in times of intense distress and sadness, be the ultimate comfort.  I have, of course, felt comfortable before, but I think maybe it can be a more consistent thing now.  I know I have said previously that there is a difference between happiness and comfort, but I have not quite grasped these concepts as individuals.  As their own unique sets of feelings and experiences and words.  So this is actually a revelation for me!  I just moved through a storm in therapy, I suppose.  Through it, I knew that if I came out still warm and breathing and speaking, there would be a turning point.  And so comfort is the turning point: I have an idea of what it means now.  How to soothe myself.  How to allow others into my most intimate life and to let that be a comfort.  I am simply more aware of that here, on the other side of the storm.  The constant know in my heart has been replaced by a simple idea of comfort.

Today we talked a lot about loneliness and friendships.  I have always felt like a loner — even when  have had many friends.  I’ve always felt somehow on the periphery.  I’m noticing myself for this but not making a judgement.  I am not actually fundamentally unlovable.  I told L the ways in which I feel unliked and undeserving of love, and even as I listed them, they sounded ridiculous.  And, in fact, for the first time in a long time, I mentioned parts of me that I like and think other people might like as well: my hair is long and thick and has a certain power to it.  I find my spine and back very quiet and elegant and graceful.  My ability to be compassionate and fundamentally good towards others stands out.  It’s rather strange to hear myself say these things, actually.  But also healthy.  I don’t distinctly feel unloved anymore.  I’m in a more neutral space now.

The fact that I have not spent my life in the “in-crowd” reflects the ways I am unique, not my “unlikeable qualities”.  I gave L a sort of resume of my life in friendships and it was surprisingly joyful to look back and see how much I have loved people and been loved in my life.

Goodnight loves!


9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Maggie @ Fit.Fun.Food
    Jun 01, 2010 @ 21:07:52

    I think you’re right…being a loner doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I feel like I’m a loner in some ways, but it’s kind of a choice for me. I love people and I have quite a few good friends, but I also need a lot of time alone to thing about my life, my goals, my needs, etc. I think I wouldn’t be the same person if I was surrounded by people all the time. Have a great day! That’s great that you found a good gym!


  2. Sarah
    Jun 02, 2010 @ 00:39:41

    I’m so glad you reached a turning point with therapy, and what a lovely realisation, that you can let people in and you don’t have to be super popular in order to value yourself and realise what a good person you are. I like the positive things you told us about yourself, and I’d like to hear you say more, realise that you are a fantastic person, which you are.

    Therapy is definitely uncomfortable sometimes, as I too am finding, but like you say, the comfort comes from being given a space in which to expose the more difficult things without fear of judgement, and to be recieved with compassion and understanding.

    Sarah x


  3. sms
    Jun 02, 2010 @ 03:49:05

    very interesting post great information


  4. sophia
    Jun 02, 2010 @ 04:29:33

    Every person is different…some people are the “star” in a crowd, while others are more quiet…but that doesn’t mean they are deprived from people who love them, or people to love! I’m glad you made that silent revelation that you ARE loved and you DO have people to love! That is quite powerful!


  5. Christine @ Grub, Sweat and Cheers
    Jun 02, 2010 @ 12:03:13

    Oh I’m so glad to read things went well with L! I think so many of us think of ourselves as loners, outsiders, the ones who don’t fit in. I love how you were able to ntoice the un-truths of some of your thoughts and highlight some (of the many) powerful, positive and loveable aspects of yourself . That’s wonderful.

    Re shoes – I feel your pain. I have given away more pairs of painful shoes than most. I can wear some heels (especially boots) but many just kill me and I have what I think are plain old average feet. I try to look for brands like ECCO that are a bit expensive but way more comfy than most.


    • caronae
      Jun 02, 2010 @ 12:09:00

      I actually love Ecco! I totally believe in paying more for comfy well-built shoes that last forever. I had a pair of Ecco winter boots that lasted me seven years!


  6. Gabriela @ Une Vie Saine
    Jun 02, 2010 @ 14:41:18

    Glad to hear your therapy session went well! I think it’s common for introverts to feel like loners- I do too, a lot of the time. But on the other hand, there’s plenty of instances where I’m 100% comfortable with being alone! It’s definitely a balance, and it’s great you’re realizing that you ARE loved and loveable 🙂 I bought those TJ’s dried hibiscus awhile ago and was kind of disappointed- is it just me, or is the texture really weird?


    • caronae
      Jun 02, 2010 @ 14:52:56

      I don’t find the texture weird, but I can say how you might. I just think of it as an oddly shaped dried fruit. Plus, it’s so adorable, how can you not eat it? 😉


  7. Kate
    Jun 02, 2010 @ 20:35:10

    those dried hybiscus flowers are very pretty! i kind of wanna buy some just ’cause the color is so cool.

    glad to hear therapy is going better. the in crowd is such a weird thing. there are definately people who value being a part of that. i’ve gotten to the point where i feel really bad for people like that. they aren’t secure enough in who they are on their own and need to create an exclusive group to give themselves some sort of ego boost. GROSS!


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