Today’s Happy Note: New book from my therapist! She has so many and I love picking out a new one every week. It’s such a thrill. More on this tomorrow.
Exercise: Went to the new gym for the first time! It’s only a few blocks away. I ran there but threw in some extra blocks so it was a nice mile warm-up. Once there, I did arm and chest strength for about 25 minutes, then 30 minutes HIIT on this weeeeiiiiirrrrrdddd machine. It’s a combination elliptical/starimaster. So you can go forward and backward and up and down, each to varying degrees. It was fun, but I didn’t feel like I was working that hard. On the high intensity minutes (I did 5 WU, 20 of 1 easy/1 high intensity, 5 CD) I felt like I couldn’t get my speed up that high. It was definitely interesting at least and a decent workout. I also walked a few miles in one of my new pairs of shoes and they are so painful. I never wear heels and this is why. Anybody know of a nice heeled shoe that is also sensible for someone who walks a lot and hates foot pain intensely?
Eats Hodgepodge (Cold Food Edition):
I cannot seem to eat anything hot for breakfast, or any other meal for that matter. So much frozen fruit, smoothies, yogurt, cold salads, raw veggies. That is when I have any appetite at all — I’ve been having to force myself to eat dinner in the evenings. I have no idea why. It’s just so hot and humid and my appetite has just gone *poof*! Anyone else experiencing this right now?
Spidery-looking dried hibiscus flowers a good snack do make. From TJ’s.
Today, for the first time in a month or so, things went beautifully again! Looking back, I see a lot of microscopic shifts in behavior for both of us. My relationship with L (I’m tired of saying “my therapist” every two sentences so I’m officially changing her designation to “L”) is sort of a microcosmic social relationship with its ups and downs. I still cannot pinpoint exactly why the very idea of therapy has made me feel so intensely distraught over the last few weeks. I do know that I have felt a rather poisonous mixture of the following: fear, anger, sadness, and confusion. Going forward, I think that I feel more comfortable just being in therapy. It has become one of the safest spaces in my life. Maybe that’s what my anxieties and frustrations over the last few sessions have been about: getting out those last residual feelings (sad/bad/mad/scared) and moving into a place where therapy and my therapist can, even in times of intense distress and sadness, be the ultimate comfort. I have, of course, felt comfortable before, but I think maybe it can be a more consistent thing now. I know I have said previously that there is a difference between happiness and comfort, but I have not quite grasped these concepts as individuals. As their own unique sets of feelings and experiences and words. So this is actually a revelation for me! I just moved through a storm in therapy, I suppose. Through it, I knew that if I came out still warm and breathing and speaking, there would be a turning point. And so comfort is the turning point: I have an idea of what it means now. How to soothe myself. How to allow others into my most intimate life and to let that be a comfort. I am simply more aware of that here, on the other side of the storm. The constant know in my heart has been replaced by a simple idea of comfort.
Today we talked a lot about loneliness and friendships. I have always felt like a loner — even when have had many friends. I’ve always felt somehow on the periphery. I’m noticing myself for this but not making a judgement. I am not actually fundamentally unlovable. I told L the ways in which I feel unliked and undeserving of love, and even as I listed them, they sounded ridiculous. And, in fact, for the first time in a long time, I mentioned parts of me that I like and think other people might like as well: my hair is long and thick and has a certain power to it. I find my spine and back very quiet and elegant and graceful. My ability to be compassionate and fundamentally good towards others stands out. It’s rather strange to hear myself say these things, actually. But also healthy. I don’t distinctly feel unloved anymore. I’m in a more neutral space now.
The fact that I have not spent my life in the “in-crowd” reflects the ways I am unique, not my “unlikeable qualities”. I gave L a sort of resume of my life in friendships and it was surprisingly joyful to look back and see how much I have loved people and been loved in my life.