Today’s Happy Note: Awesome, but exhausting, therapy session today. It was one of those days where I felt like I had a breakthrough, which was nice.
Exercise: 30 minutes of strength-training (mostly arms, a little bit of leg stuff too) followed by 3 miles on the treadmill, as follows:
2x through this:
-5 minutes at 6 mph
-5 minutes (1 min @ 8, 1 min @ 6, 1 min @8, 1 min @ 6, 1min @ 8)
-5 minutes at 5.6-6 mph
I was going to do a few more of the speed intervals (I did a total of six through the whole workout) but my legs were a bit tired from the lifting so I didn’t push it. This was actually really exhausting! I am not good at going fast in general, so maybe that’s why. I was drenched at quite red afterwards. I love getting in an hour workout where I feel like I’ve accomplished a lot.
Eats (not everything):
Breakfast: maple oatmeal with honey pb, side of grapes. Normally I would feel really uncomfortable eating a breakfast like this because I perceive it as too carby. While I love carbohydrates, they are a fear food for me when there are too many; I never eat grains or bread or anything like that with dinner, unless I am having a pasta dish, which happens about once every month or two. Sophia left me a comment about my dinner yesterday saying that it needed carbs. I don’t think I actually wanted/needed any right then, but I realized that I do have an irrational fear of them! This breakfast was exactly what I was craving, and I was NOT going to deny it to myself because it had oats and grapes (gasp!).
The obligatory post-therapy froyo. The topping is chocolate covered pommegranate. I adore these things! They have it at this bubble tea place down the street from me and they go perfectly with the creamy froyo. My other favorite topping is peanut m and m’s. What are yours?
Dinner was one of my favorite weeknight meals. Egg scramble with cheddar, green peppers, and mushrooms, with a romaines, spinach, cucumber, and Annie’s Goddess dressing side salad. Well, it wan’t really a side salad because it was quite massive. Most of my veggie dishes are. I actually really like vegetables. There are so many fun ways to prepare or cook them!
I’m actually not going to do a whole long exposition on today’s session because, for the first time ever, really, I feel like it was too painful and personal to share on the blog. But I do have a few general conclusions and observations about methods that I will happily share!
1. Sometimes I need to calm down: first of all, one semi-unproductive weekend is not a horrible thing, and I don’t need to get all tensed up about every little moment that does not go as planned. I was actually freaking out/crying so much at one point today that my therapist had to remind me to breathe. So, I want to make calmness a mindful goal. It’s something that my yoga practice has helped with quite a bit, but I want to figure out how to incorporate it into my daily life more. I often find myself with my hands clenched and my shoulders tightened, like I am ready for a fight or something. Sometimes I need to just breathe.
2. I am not a social failure. I am not undeserving or friends, companions, boyfriends, or close relationships in general. I do not need (or want) to hide in my room; my little cave. We actually talked a lot about my room, which simultaneously represents a sort of loneliness and a sort of comfort to me. I find it very hard to separate the two sometimes. It’s something I am thinking about a lot.
3. There is no reason to hate myself.
So those were my take-away lessons. A few notes on the process:
1. My therapist was unbelievably gentle with me today. She is always considerate, but sometimes makes me think really hard about something or reconsider a painful idea in a way that hurts. That was not the case today and I am so deeply grateful for that. It is rare to have a person in your life who listens to you, never judges what you say, and offers insightful thoughts or advice. Granted, she is trained to do this, but I have never had another psychologist who was this good at it. I have a close friend from high school who I felt like this with — I think these people are just genuinely unusual individuals. With that said, I want to seek out more friends and individuals like this. The ability to listen is a truly beautiful characteristic in a person.
2. The actual room in which I see her has become an immensely safe physical and emotional space for me. I felt like I opened up on a whole new level today, and I think that I was largely able to do that because I feel safe with her. This seems obvious, but it is really quite subtle. I value this space/place tremendously. I don’t know what I would do without my hour with her every Monday. I have so many thoughts that need to be sorted out; sometimes sad, angry, scary, or unhappy thoughts. Sometimes joyful,fresh, fun, or exciting thoughts. Regardless, she is always there, and that room is always there. This is comforting, and I have not felt comforted in a long, long time.
Off to study! I hope your week is off to a spectacular start!