Therapy Monday

Today’s Happy Note: Listening to the Jackson 5 and The Temptations!  Will instantly lift your mood, I promise, try it.

I was definitely sore yesterday, but not to the point where I couldn’t walk, like last time.  I wasn’t sore today at all!  I walked about three miles yesterday and was going to run a few today, but I got to the gym and it was smelly and crowded and I would’ve had to wait, so I decided I needed another rest day.  Maybe some yoga later?

I am already itching to run, so definitely tomorrow.  It’s kind of addictive 🙂

Random eats from the last few days:

I think I have had a pretty good balance of nutrients and treats over the last few days, but I’m ready for the hunger monster to subside and to get back into my regular eating habits and workout routines.  I find that it is easiest to maintain a healthy lifestyle when I have a clear routine to follow.  It just makes things simpler.  Do you thrive off of structure or do you prefer a little chaos in your life?  I do, however, appreciate the occasional chaos 🙂

Therapy Monday:

We sort of had three segments in our conversation today, not intentionally, that’s just the way it happened.  First we talked about the ultramarathon, then blogging, then my body image.  Since I like order, you know I’m going to do a list 🙂

1. Ultramarathon: I’ll admit it, being able to run for six or seven hours at a time makes me feel special.  I was never very fast, I never had good aim, I couldn’t catch a ball.  But I can run for a long time and I like this about myself.  I feel like I could run for a whole day sometimes.  In fact, it makes me feel primal.  I don’t know if my endurance was inherited, learned, or pounded into me.  I was a gymnast from when I was four until I was fourteen, so I had to get used to four or five hour practices several days a week.  But my mom also has incredible endurance (she used to do half-marathons but then developed a devastating neurological problem; I know she would have been a marathoner).  In high school, sometimes I would have to swim for four hours a day, and I always gravitated toward the “distance” events in track.  Even as an eighth grader I knew I wanted to run marathons.  Here I was, this geeky little 13 year old telling everybody confidently that some day I would run marathons.  And I have!  (Well not technically, but I’m sure I will run an official marathon in the next year).  Everyone besides the track coach laughed at me and said I was crazy and would never want to run further than a 5k — most high school runners don’t.  But I proved them wrong I suppose.  So I feel proud of myself for this.  I mentioned to my therapist that I had gotten a neat job(s) for the summer and she seemed so happy for and proud of me; this is something I very rarely feel for myself. But with endurance running I feel it.  I feel proud and accomplished.  I still don’t feel “proud” about the job or most things in my life, but maybe one day I’ll get there.  For now, I have running.  I used to never feel any kind of pride or worthiness, so I think this is a good start.

2. Running is my “thing” — my passion and hobby.  Blogging has become my other “thing.”  I told my therapist about the blog when I first started blogging and have mentioned it a few times, but I think she forgot or didn’t realize that it was an important part of my life.  I have come to realize that blogging takes the hour or two in the evening when I often feel lonely and trapped and has turned that into a positive social outlet.  I used to feel so alone in the evenings, and because I need a consistent schedule (bedtime=11 pm), I don’t want to be studying with friends or out to dinner or cocktail hour or whatever.  As I was explaining my blogging habits and what I like about it to her, I realized that the fact that it fills this little evening void is one of my favorite things about it.  I’m alone in my room every single night; I have floormates, but it isn’t really a super social thing.  I feel like I have actual blog friends and connections with other bloggers and readers (I even went on a meetup this weekend; I’ll probably post about it tomorrow).  I also feel like health is kind of one of the overarching themes of my life.  My eating, exercise, self-care, sleep routines, stress management — all of these come back to my health, and in that sense, I feel like healthy living blogs (my own and other peoples’) are the perfect safe, comforting space for me.

3. I realized that I still have body image issues when I told my therapist that after running the ultra — all 34 miles — I still did not appreciate my body or see it as especially powerful.  I had no problem despising it after 6 hours of running.  This is not good.  Not good at all.  It’s something I haven’t actually talked about that much in therapy; my therapist asked me if I wanted her to ask me about it (does that even make sense, lol?).  I do, but at the same time, I think it has to be something I open up about very naturally.  I guess up until now I had sort of discounted my body hatred and my issues with food, but they are most definitely still there and still extremely upsetting at times.  It’s already been eight months that I have been seeing her and I am at a place where I feel very comfortable, so I think it is something that will start to come out more as we move forward.  There are several things I want to address directly, including my relationship between food and emotions and my physical activity level.  We’ll get there I think.  It’s frustrating because sometimes I have an issue that I mention to her and it’s like “duh, there is such an obvious, simple solution!”  I want this to be one of those things, but obviously, it isn’t.

I was sort of absent from blogging this weekend between the ultra and schoolwork.  Anything I’ve missed out on?  Fabulous happenings or news or giveaways?

I hope everyone has a most fabulous week.  Find something to feel proud of yourself for!

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Darya
    Apr 12, 2010 @ 22:15:30

    Dear little sister,
    I understand the blogging community thing. That is one reason I like my online game. I can talk to people and be whoever I want.

    Reply

  2. Maggie @ Fit.Fun.Food
    Apr 12, 2010 @ 22:40:47

    I agree with you that health is a huge part of my life. My own health and learning about how to help others to be healthy. I think that’s why I like the opinions and voices of all these bloggers. I’ve really grown to love the blog community! Have a great night, girl!

    Reply

  3. Sarah
    Apr 13, 2010 @ 01:09:51

    I think we all need a balance of structure and spontaneity 🙂
    It’s interesting that body image issues arose for you and wonder if you use exercise to make your body seem less ‘unacceptable’…idk when I used to exercise alot it was a case of if I can just make myself more toned and stronger then I won’t dislike my body as much…alas to say I still hated my body, and it wasn’t until I explored the issue in much more depth during treatment that I figured out how to like it regardless of whether I exercised or not.
    Blogging is so great – not only do you get a place to discuss your thoughts and feelings, and get feedback, you can also read about, get to know and learn from others. Blogging has transformed my life…in a good way 🙂

    Sorry that was a rather long comment!

    Sarah x

    Reply

  4. justjac
    Apr 13, 2010 @ 02:05:20

    I think blogging is a good outlet to be able to express these kinds of feelings.. and to realize, we all have them.

    Reply

  5. pen (pen at peace)
    Apr 13, 2010 @ 11:47:15

    I so agree about the Jackson 5 and The Temptations! When I’m sad or stressed or whatever, I put a little motown music on and bop around for a dance party! 🙂

    Reply

  6. Kate
    Apr 13, 2010 @ 14:00:07

    i do much better on a schedule. i try really hard to be flexible, but schedules make me happy, especially during the week. i am able to relax and be spontaneous on the weekends.

    and i totally agree about blogging. it is a community. they more people i feel connected to, the better i feel about myself. i totally think is a productive, creative habbit that has been very helpful to me.

    Reply

  7. Gabriela @ Une Vie Saine
    Apr 13, 2010 @ 14:06:36

    I was never good at sports as a kid either, and running has made me feel like I can do something. A large part of the reason I like running is because I’m pretty good at it, and don’t we all want to be good at stuff? You impress the hell out of me with those ultra marathons though!!

    Blogging fills a social void for me too. I’m not a super social person…I’d prefer the company of a few close friends to a ton of so-so ones. Blogging has become a part of my routine, a way for me to interact with people without the drama and hearsay that so many young women’s relationships are full of. It goes without saying that I love my real friends to death, but I’m happy to have found a community of women who have the same interests I do.

    I don’t think there’s a woman on this planet who doesn’t struggle with body image every once in awhile, but it’s important to be comfortable enough with yourself to not let it interfere with your life. As you said, you can run ULTRAmarathons, which is INCREDIBLE. Your body is clearly an amazing thing, and you’re a beautiful girl, both inside and out (as cliche as it sounds)!!

    Hope you’re having a great Tuesday!!

    Reply

    • caronae
      Apr 13, 2010 @ 15:30:58

      Thanks for this comment 🙂 It is so nice to be good at something! That’s why I like running too — we should do a race together sometime, for fun! And I’m definitely with you on having a few close friends and then blogging friends too! Well-said.

      Reply

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