Daily Creativity: Writing; it’s so refreshing to have some time on Monday’s to just free write about therapy and thoughts/reflections/ideas. It can turn into an essay or an idea for a poem or just a channel for some really necessary expression. I really need time immediately after therapy to write; unfortunately I have to grab lunch and then rush off to class. I find time later in the day usually though. This weekly writing session is so important to me; it spawns off new ideas and takes my thoughts, and therefore my creative work, in a new direction. Love it!
Random breakfast food pics to entertain you:
As you can see, I’ve received my galaxy granola samples! I’ve tried the vanilla almond and raspberry flavors so far and am loving them. They taste very clean, earthy, natural, and lightly sweetened/fruity. I’ll do a full review later on. This is my first ever product sample and review and I’m very excited!
I’m not going to elaborate on the breakfast photos because they’re going into my guest post for Sophia, which is coming along slowly but surely.
Did some gentle walking today, probably three to four miles and nice easy yoga for my legs. My quads are surprisingly sore from yesterday. Might do the elliptical tomorrow…
Lots of thoughts today. Lot lots lots. I think I sort of had a process breakthrough today, which was wonderful but exhausting. A lot of my therapy process involves telling stories. This is what I do best, and it’s actually something I sort of want to base my life and career around. But anyways, I tell my therapist stories about past events, memories, ideas, interactions, whatever. Just stories. And usually as I go through my story we look at what’s going on, what’s upsetting me, what this might mean for my present circumstances. One part of the story leads into another part of my life and this is how we talk. We go back and forth, me telling, her interjecting thoughts or advice, etc. Today, for the first time ever, I felt like I could provide my own analysis and reflections. I have definitely done this in bits and pieces in the past, but I felt like I went a bit further today. I felt insightful, I suppose. It felt like we were working together to come up with conclusions; like she was a friend or a confidant as opposed to someone who just listens to me talk about my problems every week. And I was proud of myself for coming up with insights. It made me feel more ownership over them; I certainly trust what she says most of the time and usually believe her thoughts and think they are relevant, but it just felt refreshing to provide more of my own thoughts. I think that, one year plus some after my breakdown, I have moved away from the pain of the immediate situation/crisis enough to examine things. Not just tell them and think about them lightly, but really dig into them. Oftentimes this is painful, confusing/anxiety-inducing, or just plain scary. But it’s necessary. And ultimately, I find that looking closely at parts of myself — the good, the bad, the terrified, the hysterical, the sad, the anxious, the joyful — is rewarding. It makes me understand things and makes my life easier to live. It makes me more happy with myself and more able to relate to others. It helps me heal. I guess this is why I enjoy therapy. There, I said it. I actually like to go every week. It can be frustrating, tearful, or just plain depressing. But I like it. I get something out of it. At the very least, I have an hour to verbalize my problems to someone who never judges me. And that in itself can even be helpful.
Okay, I know this is getting long, but bear with me.
Another really big thing that came out of today was the idea that I can be non-judgmental towards myself: I can be an observer and a learner without hating myself for whatever perceived faults I am observing. How novel! I was mostly thinking about this in relation to my little man problem. Okay, big problem, but whatever. Over break I was telling a friend how not dating or interacting much with guys makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me as a woman. And as I expressed this to said friend, for a brief moment, I realized, this is okay. I can learn and grow by examining the situation, but I need not hate myself for it or feel guilty about it. Surely this is not useful. My tendency towards self-loathing has typically extended into many facets of my life. But it doesn’t need to. It’s something I can begin to break down starting with this: I am a 20 year old woman. I do not have the most relationship experience, but in the past few months I have begun to practice; I have met a lot of new men, gone on a few dates, and even had a nice kiss or two. I am figuring things out and this is okay. This is where I am right now, and I trust that I will learn more things as they come. That said, I also intend to take an active role in this area of my life. If I want to go on dates once in a while, I have to interact with men! And I know I can do this because I am not so full of fear over men anymore. I was chatting with a guy in the massage line after the race yesterday and noticed how comfortable I felt just talking about college, work, the city, etc. So I’ve made progress. And I know that I’m going to keep making progress.
I think that little examination of my life as a woman was sort of a microcosm or metaphor for my life in general right now: I am learning to accept things as they are, learn from them, and take steps forward. I can make progress.
Whoa, that was long. I actually write pages and pages in my journal after therapy every week (see Daily Creativity) and then sort of suck the most importan parts out of that and expand on here. I can’t believe I used to dread going to therapy and thinking about it, when I was seeing my last therapist. She always used to tell me that I should journal about it, but I never wanted to because she didn’t really help me figure all that much out. Just goes to show you how important having the right therapist is.
Alright, how were your Mondays bloggies? Mine was a bit icky, but tomorrow’s a new day, I suppose!