Daily Creativity: Collage part dos is in progress!
Random list of thoughts, some of which may relate to health:
1. Springtime running is the most wonderful thing ever. Borderline surreal. Absolutely glorious — I get to be a personal witness to growing things and new beings and fresh sights and sounds. Oh my. I love it. And you should too.
2. What I don’t love is when you’re running and you steadily pull up on another runner and pass them and then they start sprinting to get ahead of you and then they slow down again and you pass them again and the whole process repeats itself. Seriously, men, get a hold of yourselves. Your life will not end if a girl passes you. And it’s extra annoying when you’ve been walking for like ten minutes and I turn around to head back and pass you again and you try to run again and then die because it’s an uphill and you wasted all your energy trying to outrun me earlier. Chill. Out.
3. Starbucks smoothies are delicious, especially the chocolate banana one topped with trail mix and pb.
Seriously, when I’m home for spring break I’m going to make smoothie every single day. Green monsters, pb and j smoothies, oat smoothies, avocado smoothies. Everything. And they will be oh so delicious.
4. Why did I only want peanut butter today? I forced myself to dabble in some other food groups, but I really just wanted pb and some cashews. Healthy fat shortage?
5. The power of suggestion is real. On the train ride back from my Monday night volunteer gig, all the other coaches and I were talking about Chipotle and somehow we all ended up there. I seriously felt as though I would die if I didn’t have chiptole, with a side of chocolate soymilk. Very random. I added brussels for some extra veg, and got the burrito with peppers instead of rice (my poor insulin does not need rice and a tortilla; also, I really don’t like rice) and black beans instead of meat. And with guacamole. I haven’t had avocados in forever and clearly they are so good. I demolished this guy, minus the extra tortilla (this is my least favorite part of burritos/wraps; I greatly prefer the filling and don’t want its flavor to be squandered by endless layers of tortilla!):
6. Why can’t all food be this cute?
Wild cat cookie/pb sandwich.
7. I like grapefruits and oranges. A lot. So juicy and soft and beautifully round.
8. My second favorite running capris now have a giant hole in the crotch which was apparently present while I was running.
9. Please do not allow your dogs and their leashes to take up THE ENTIRE RUNNING PATH. Thank you.
10. Dear school: I am tired of you. Please stop making me read so many boring things (have you ever made your way through the swamp that is Tocqueville? Not the most pleasant.)
I started off today talking about how I’d be going home for my break and how I was excited to see my family, who I only really see a few times a year at this point in my life. I was thinking the other day that I really am quite a young person: I’m 20 years old, and that is by no means old. I still have plenty of growing up to do, despite being relatively mature and sufficient. It’s funny, because I feel like I live a very adult life: I go to school/work, I run, I cook/clean, I grocery shop, do my laundry, go to the pharmacy. I do my banking, I call my grandparents, I get up early in the mornings, I have hobbies and consistencies and habits. I feel, in many ways, more like a young working person than a college student. I don’t really “party”, I don’t spend my morning sleeping in and my nights doing homework. I don’t socialize in the dining hall over meals or wake up God-knows-where on Saturday mornings. All this is to say that a part of me feels like I should be entirely independent; I shouldn’t feel a need to see my family and derive joy from this.
But this is silly: I need people. We need people. I need my family, my friends, my coworkers and classmates and fellow runners. I actually used the phrase “self-sufficiency” in therapy today and my therapist stopped me and said that that was silly; humans are not meant to be self-sufficient, we constantly depend on others and this is okay. I am not weak or childish for having an emotional dependency towards my parents. I mentioned that I feel like I call them too often, and a part of this is related to the fact that I am so deeply independent for someone my age; it scares me. I want to stay tied to them in some way. Probably forever. I think another thing that scares me is the fact that despite all my abilities to act as a highly functioning adult in this world, I do not feel as though my social skills are those of an adult. I feel like a kindergartener in that area. And this is okay because it is something I recognize and am working on. My therapist said that she would be shocked if I acted any differently than I do around other people, given my childhood and socialization. We learn things from our families and those around us when we are very young, and I don’t think I necessarily picked up a lot of positive social cues. I tried, but I always felt alone. Even with my closest friends and confidantes I always felt like a part of me was separate from them. I consciously try everyday to cultivate deep(er) relationships with those around me. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t. But I always try. I have recently started telling my closest friend about how sad I was last year,and I have found it easier to share things with my friends in the last two or three months. Over winter break, my best friend from home, after we spent an evening hanging out, said that she really wanted to see me again before I went back to NY. I had no idea that I had connected with her so deeply; her words actually made me cry when I got back to my house. I was so thrilled that someone wanted to spend more time with me and that I wouldn’t have to be alone everyday.
Social relationships are something that I struggle with everyday. Sometimes I feel like my parents have tried to push me too much one way or another (“you should go to more events at school and meet people” or “don’t hang out with this girl I don’t think she’s nice” or “call so-and-so”) and I know they have always had my best interests at heart, but interacting with others has to be something that I do by myself for myself. I think the first step here is simply recognizing how much I want people in my life; I love my friends, my cousins, the people I work and volunteer with. I very much want them in my life; to laugh with them, share secrets, go out to see weird movies. I am so happy that I am able to recognize how much I want this. And some nights, I want to crawl into my bed with Alice Walker and a cup of hot cocoa, orange slices, and a crossword puzzle. Sometimes this is okay. But other times, I need people who love me. This is okay. I will not judge myself for wanting to be alone, but I will also allow myself to be with others and to have fun.
I guess this was all just a long way of saying that it is more than okay that I miss my family (and friends from home too). This is healthy. I love them and they love me and I even need them.