A Writing Kind of Day

I guess that, seeing as my blog is called, Run Write Therapy Life, I am probably allowed to have days where I just write.  Nighttime always brings out my deepest thoughts, and I had to stay up all night to finish a paper, so I ended up with a billion bursting thoughts in my head.  And I think I have earned a pictureless post where I don’t talk about my body or running or food.  Well, there’s a littlerunning hidden in here somewhere.  But just a little.  So, without further ado, here are my thoughts. Important ones.

I think that deep down, I do like people.  Monday I was showing my therapist my favorite “happy pictures”, and she pointed out that I’m with someone else in every single one of them — never a group of people or a crowd, but always one person.  And in every single picture, that person is someone who has been deeply important and influential for me.  Interesting revelation.  This confirms what I already know: I enjoy very powerful, strong relationships, and I enjoy having a handful of these.  I do not enjoy having too many people who are too close to me.  That scares me.  Not because I am afraid to open up or because I’m being anti-social — those are things that, thankfully, I think I have already overcome — but because that is simply not how I work.  How I work.   And guess what?  We can all work in different ways!  How beautiful is that?  For a long time, I told myself that I didn’t like people,and this so was not the case!  I just have had to find the balance that works for me.  I think that’s pretty much what all things in life are about.  No two people work exactly the same way, which is a little bit scary, but also perfectly lovely.

If I want, I can walk in circles around the city wearing my favorite leafy green sweatshirt from 1999 and my geeky running shoes.  I can carry my owl-print lunchbox to class and I can eat plain peanut butter if that’s what I want.  I can read books all day or I can go laugh-cry (ladies, you know exactly what I’m talking about) at a chick-flick with my three best friends.  I can buy myself paisley rainboots.  I can snuggle up with my duck.  I can write long fancy letters and draw trees on the envelopes and mail them the old fashioned way, if I want.  I can reconnect with important people from my life whom I’ve neglected.  I can make messy yogurt bowls and salad bowls and even make my own bowls at the pottery place.  I can call my mom and cry to her if need be.  Call my sister and tell her I’m sorry, if need be.  I can draw irises with my pastels and put glitter on everything I encounter.  I can go in quest of the best baking book and make my own souffles.  And make my own chocolate.  I can drink out of a straw or drink my favorite coconut bubble tea.  I can go on dates with men if I want, when I want, because that is up to me.  I can write a thousand poems about the same thing, I can tell my poetry teacher exactly what my name means.  I can deal with things that come my way.  I can remember how scary someone else’s addictions can be and make sure I never feel that terror again.  I can learn more about horticulture and hastas and orchids and the way bodies move when they’re about to die.  I can call my girl A and tell her exactly what’s wrong.  Or what’s right.  Or, simply, what my back feels like today.  I can pick the raisins out of my cookies if I do not want them there.  I can say hello to my favorite farmer at the market.  I can have an adventure to Brooklyn or to Macchu Picchu, pending the requisite funds, of course.  I can only buy pillows with elephants on them, if that is what I so choose to do.  I can trust people.  Even males.  I can hold a friend’s hand when they are sad.  I can pick out a new Japanese woodblock calendar every single year because my father likes Japanese woodblocks and I like my father.  I can fold down the corner of every single page in my collected Neruda book.  I can listen to birds and learn to differentiate between their songs, like my mother.  I can take a pick ax to the things that don’t belong in my life.  I can stand up straight and take a breather in tree pose, if that’s what my body asks for.  I can secretly enjoy using my hands to stir things instead of a spoon.  I can cook salmon in a million different ways.  I can color coordinate my closet, or not.  I can have a favorite color and then change my mind the next day.  I can find the Little Dipper in the deep purple sky and know that it’s the same Little Dipper that has carried me through so many nights before this one.  I can name a star after you.  I can recognize my body as the strong instrument that it is.  I can take her for long, long runs.  Or short, short runs.  I can sniff at tulip trees.  I can find new streets.  I can think of what I will name my future daughter — Sahar because it means the dawn which is a special time in which new things begin.  I can use my peppermint foot lotion every night if I please.  I can know what my body feels like and what it doesn’t feel like.  What it may or may not enjoy.  I can collect pretty water bottles.  I can lounge over soul food in the dining hall.  I can learn French words and mispronounce them.  I can buy a fun new sheet set.  Or a sweater set.  Or a dish set.  I can try to figure out how the sun never tires of having so many colors in her at the same time.  I can lie in the grass or take the bus or place a bowl of peony blossoms on my desk.  I can touch the spines on a cactus.  I can call my therapist and tell her I’m having a bad day and need to talk.  I can wash my coat.  I can call my grandparents and just enjoy listening to their sweet, ancient voices.  I can color on a shirt, I can go to yoga with my cousin.  I can wake up early or sleep in, depending on how I feel. I can happily sit and read blogs in the late, late hours.  I can make shapes with my hands.  I can listen to me.

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fit Chick in the City
    Feb 24, 2010 @ 07:54:10

    I can so relate to your “I don’t like people” conversation in therapy. About 5 years ago I had a similar conversation with a therapist. I still catch myself occasionally saying that I don’t like people, but in reality I love people. I love hanging out with old and new friends. They make my life so much more enjoyable.

    Reply

  2. EE
    Feb 24, 2010 @ 08:58:51

    Oooh, I love the name Sahar.

    Try not to judge yourself too much for how you feel about social interactions. It’s such a misconception that everyone “should” be extroverted! I am, but that doesn’t mean “good.” In fact, I can be pretty freaking annoying. 😉

    Reply

  3. Sarah
    Feb 24, 2010 @ 09:17:02

    I too don’t keep many people close to me, and I’m learning that it’s ok to enjoy solitude…not too much of it though, but just enough to give me space to be alone with myself. I find too many people claustrophobic. It’s nice to embrace who you are and who you want to be without being too stifled by what we feel we ‘should’ or ought to be.

    Nice change of style in this post…I like :-)…not that I don’t like your usual posts, but variety is the spice of life and all that jazz!

    Sarah x

    Reply

  4. Stef @ moretolifethanlettuce
    Feb 24, 2010 @ 11:13:18

    oh my. you don’t even understand, i have the “i don’t like people” conversation WEEKLY with my therapist! the thing is i know it’s not true, it’s a gross over-generalization, but it’s just easier to blame my isolation on that than actually examining what’s going on behind it. The thing is i DO like people, i just don’t like MYSELF around people. that’s solely based on my insecurities, i know. i know that if i truly loved myself then i would be more open to other people and not fear getting close to them. the ironic thing is people see me as a REALLY social creature, but in reality i am a total hermit once i break away from school/social settings. i’m just more comfortable that way, and that’s ok for now but i need to acknowledge that! i’ll always value “alone time” but there is a huge diff between taking time for yourself and isolating. i love the idea of your “happy pics!”

    Reply

  5. Averie (LoveVeggiesAndYoga)
    Feb 24, 2010 @ 11:48:32

    Caronae, what a great post…I love your honesty, your speaking your mind on your blog…I love how true you are with your feelings, and emotions and I love how you just embrace who you are and that’s that and you blog about it. Lovely ! 🙂

    Reply

  6. Pam
    Feb 24, 2010 @ 16:22:56

    You have a beautiful name and your blog is very fun! I love the list you made!…that is a great idea!

    xoxo

    Reply

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