Comfort

Today’s Mini Goal: Actually do some of my homework on a Saturday for once.

Sometime earlier this week my mini goal was something along the lines of “plan my weekend” so that I’m neither overwhelmed nor lonely.  I think I may have successfully accomplished this!  Last night and tonight are nights in, although I have been chatting with friends on off.  Tomorrow morning is a group run for my school road runners club that I plan on going to, tomorrow night is a friend’s birthday party, and Sunday afternoon I’m doing a 5k benefit run with other single runners at JackRabbit.

Run:

Finally got back to running today.  I wasn’t in the mood to run outside (read: I haven’t done laundry in forever and had no clean running pants) so I made my way over to the gym for six very easy miles.  It was nice and refreshing!

Eats:

My appetite and tummy seem to be almost back to normal.  Hooray!  I have been eating smaller meals and am still a bit less hungry than normal, but fruits, veggies, protein, and fat are back in my life.

Breakfast was oatmeal with dried cherries and loads of cinnamon.  You can never have too much cinnamon in your life.  Never.

I didn’t eat lunch until 4:00 (like I said, hunger cues still out of whack), but I did enjoy a chocolate covered strawberry frozen dessert (haha, saying “frozen dessert” sounds so…wrong?) from TLC in the early afternoon.

Then: errands!  Which included Whole Foods.  Which, by extension, included lunch:

Brie and pear pizza.  Ahhhhh.

My weekly splurge purchase was this baby:

Burt’s Bees Conditioner.  I love (and, let’s face it, my hair needs) a good moisturizing conditioner, and Burt’s Bees hasn’t failed me yet.  I took the picture with my arm so blatantly in it because the raspberries on the bottle match my shirt!  Yay!

I found the elusive chocolate oikos!

I just had to test it out as soon as I got home.  I had one with peanut butter and semi-sweet chocolate chips (hey, Katie said we needed to consume insane amounts of chocolate this weekend, so I had to!  I was coerced into it!).  The verdict: overall I really liked it, but the chocolate sauce on its own tasted funny (it’s at the bottom and you mix it in).  But once it was all mixed up I really liked it!  I also picked up some chobani pineapple and raspberry.  If you haven’t had a chance to try either of these flavors yet, I highly recommend them.  They’re probably my favorites, along with pomegranate.  I also picked up my first siggis Icelandic yogurt, so we’ll see how that goes.  What are your favorite yogurts?  If you’re vegan, have you tried yogurt substitutes?  Are they good?

Dinner was one of my new favorite things: bread broiled with hummus and cheese.  Also had a heap of salad.

I love bubbly cheese.  For some reason, this smelled exactly like pizza!

Mental Health:

I started having some “anniversary anxiety” last night and once it began, I couldn’t seem to stop it.  February of 2009 is when I had my meltdown, and it was no minor event. One day I was at school hiding in my room and digging my fingernails into my arms, the next day my dad and I were driving across the George Washington bridge, heading home, where I would be for six months.  It all happened so fast, and this is the first time I have really begun to process what, precisely, happened.  I’m sort of creating a narrative in my head and just trying to place things chronologically and understand why everything became so unbearable.  I ended up crying myself to sleep last night just thinking about that moment in my life.  I tried every trick that I knew; I talked kindly to myself (out loud, even), repeated the mantra “you aren’t alone this time” and tried to breathe deeply.  Nothing worked.  Eventually I emailed my therapist telling her how scared and sad and lonely I was feeling and she sent me the most wonderful,  soothing response.  We emailed back and forth during the day (how awesome is it that she doesn’t mind doing that), and one of the things she said that stuck out to me the most was this:

“The sad part of you is surfacing now, but it need not scare you. You have other parts as well… maybe even some wonderful ones that have yet to be seen!”

Very true, and very comforting.  I understand that I have sad parts and dark parts and complicated memories, but I need not be scared of them.  What a simple, yet powerful, thought.

Has anyone ever said something so clear yet so important to you?  When you are experiencing a moment of panic, how do you bring yourself back to a safe, happy place?  What does such a place even look like?

My safe space looks like a melange of different physically happy places from my life: a snow-covered hiking trail near my house in Michigan, the lit-up Parliament in Ottawa at Christmas, the most perfect meadow in Northern Michigan, my street corner in New York.

Happy Friday everyone, and have a splendid weekend!


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13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Stef @ moretolifethanlettuce
    Feb 13, 2010 @ 00:22:20

    sad to think of you reaching such a low point last year, but i’m glad that you’ve gotten better since then and are a lot stronger for it! fun that you went to WF today, me too :). you ran an “easy 6 miles?” uh, there is no such thing as an easy 6 miles to me lol.

    Reply

  2. sophia
    Feb 13, 2010 @ 01:07:58

    Wow, I loved your little poignant sharing about conquering your anxieties. I’m so glad you’ve got such a helpful and wonderful therapist! I hope you can “therapize” yourself soon, even without the help of someone else. 🙂
    When I go into panic mode, the first thing I usually do is freak out, but I calm down when I pray, and ask for God’s help to give me peace.

    Reply

  3. Averie (LoveVeggiesAndYoga)
    Feb 13, 2010 @ 02:07:44

    Brie and pear pizza looks delish.
    Vegan yogurt, coconut milk yogurt is good. It’s very pricey though. I’d rather just make my own coconut milk kefir or just do without. Once you get accustomed to not having dairy, you just dont miss it.

    Hang in there girl. Praying for good things for you 🙂

    Reply

  4. Sarah
    Feb 13, 2010 @ 03:10:10

    Wow I was really going downhill in 2009 too, and it was getting a place at a specialist clinic that helped me to find a ‘safe’ place. Once I had started to nourish my brain and body, the feelings of panic and paranoia dissipated, and I was able to start feeling much safer after I faced some of my fears in therapy.

    I’m glad you had the strength to get through that difficult time to get to where you are today. This is such an achievement and you should be proud. Also glad your tummy is starting to behave itself again 😉

    Sarah x

    Reply

  5. EE
    Feb 13, 2010 @ 09:19:44

    I was never into yogurt before I dropped dairy — sorry to be of no help.

    I emailed you about Facebook, which is how you can see my wedding pics. 🙂

    If I am troubled, I play the song “The One” by Elton John and imagine walking along the Adriatic. Try it. Seriously.

    Reply

  6. EE
    Feb 13, 2010 @ 09:20:29

    (to clarify, it is the song called “The One” that starts “I saw you dancing out the ocean…”)

    Reply

  7. Joanne
    Feb 13, 2010 @ 10:03:31

    Whole Foods makes my head spin. With happiness. Pineapple chobani is my new favorite – haven’t tried the raspberry yet! And I really want to find both teh chocolate and caramel Oikos…right now the honey is my favorite. I eat a TON of yogurt. Wallaby is one of my absolute favorites…its so creamy and delicious. Fage with honey is my favorite greek yogurt but it’s so expensive that I save it for special occasions.

    I think it’s really important to face our anxieties and realize that we all have them and that they are okay. As long as we can accept that, often, they are irrational and ridiculous. I was anorexic for a while and even after I “recovered” I would still ahve ridiculous thoughts about food. I mean, I still do, to this day. But what I try to do is accept that I have the thought and then tell myself, Joanne, you know you are being insane. And then just kind of put it out of my head. And think about something else. It’s hard. Like really hard. So I empathize. But I KNOW that you are strong enough to do it.

    Reply

  8. Ameena
    Feb 13, 2010 @ 12:15:26

    I’m so sorry you have anxiety about your anniversary but maybe you should think of it like this…can you believe already a year has gone by since that point? Time goes by in the blink of an eye. I always remember that because when something is hard to deal with I tell myself it will be over in a flash. That always gets me through!!

    Reply

  9. Diana
    Feb 13, 2010 @ 13:12:24

    Sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time right now. Sending hugs your way.

    Something said to me: Do the best you can with the situation and let God worry about the rest. You can only do the best you can and after that, it’s in God’s hands to finish.

    🙂 Diana

    PS Glad to hear the Burt’s Bees conditioner is good. I’ll have to check it out sometime.

    Reply

  10. Lisa
    Feb 13, 2010 @ 15:32:55

    siggi’s is my FAVORITE yogrut! hands down over all others. the vanilla has just the best flavor and the texture of all their yogurts is so good. the orange and ginger is probably my favorite of their flavors with real ginger in it (i like adding sliced bananas to it). ALSO its made in chenango county which is the county next to where i live so its super local even for you in nyc its closer to home then oikos or fage. (chobani is local too in norwich ny) be sure to tell me what you think after youve had it, its TOTALLY worth the extra money… im like an addict hahaha. on another note i hope things get better for you again soon 🙂

    Reply

  11. funfashionista
    Feb 13, 2010 @ 16:08:47

    hey! first time reading your blog but your eats look awesome. my mental healthy isnt in the very best place right now and i know that. what i use to calm me down and bring me back to earth is focus on the furture and my goals and what would be preventing me from them. it helps me, maybe it will help you! or distract yourself with something where your not focused on whatever is causing the anxiety.
    amy<3

    Reply

  12. oatsandchocolate
    Feb 13, 2010 @ 18:01:32

    hey! loving that brie and pear pizza 🙂 and that chocolate oikos as well. i cant wait to try that! whole foods runs are always so great. you nevver know what you are gonna find! it made me so happy to read about how far you have come since last year. its a fight but you have really done well in it! have a great night xoxo soph

    Reply

  13. Audrey
    Feb 15, 2010 @ 18:02:39

    I love what your therapist said. How cool is it that you can email her, too? It’s so easy too forget in times of despair, sadness, and anxiety that there are good things in the future…even if we can’t see or feel that they are there. Believe me, I know.

    Reply

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