Today’s Mini Goal: Actually do some of my homework on a Saturday for once.
Sometime earlier this week my mini goal was something along the lines of “plan my weekend” so that I’m neither overwhelmed nor lonely. I think I may have successfully accomplished this! Last night and tonight are nights in, although I have been chatting with friends on off. Tomorrow morning is a group run for my school road runners club that I plan on going to, tomorrow night is a friend’s birthday party, and Sunday afternoon I’m doing a 5k benefit run with other single runners at JackRabbit.
Finally got back to running today. I wasn’t in the mood to run outside (read: I haven’t done laundry in forever and had no clean running pants) so I made my way over to the gym for six very easy miles. It was nice and refreshing!
My appetite and tummy seem to be almost back to normal. Hooray! I have been eating smaller meals and am still a bit less hungry than normal, but fruits, veggies, protein, and fat are back in my life.
Breakfast was oatmeal with dried cherries and loads of cinnamon. You can never have too much cinnamon in your life. Never.
I didn’t eat lunch until 4:00 (like I said, hunger cues still out of whack), but I did enjoy a chocolate covered strawberry frozen dessert (haha, saying “frozen dessert” sounds so…wrong?) from TLC in the early afternoon.
Then: errands! Which included Whole Foods. Which, by extension, included lunch:
Brie and pear pizza. Ahhhhh.
My weekly splurge purchase was this baby:
Burt’s Bees Conditioner. I love (and, let’s face it, my hair needs) a good moisturizing conditioner, and Burt’s Bees hasn’t failed me yet. I took the picture with my arm so blatantly in it because the raspberries on the bottle match my shirt! Yay!
I found the elusive chocolate oikos!
I just had to test it out as soon as I got home. I had one with peanut butter and semi-sweet chocolate chips (hey, Katie said we needed to consume insane amounts of chocolate this weekend, so I had to! I was coerced into it!). The verdict: overall I really liked it, but the chocolate sauce on its own tasted funny (it’s at the bottom and you mix it in). But once it was all mixed up I really liked it! I also picked up some chobani pineapple and raspberry. If you haven’t had a chance to try either of these flavors yet, I highly recommend them. They’re probably my favorites, along with pomegranate. I also picked up my first siggis Icelandic yogurt, so we’ll see how that goes. What are your favorite yogurts? If you’re vegan, have you tried yogurt substitutes? Are they good?
Dinner was one of my new favorite things: bread broiled with hummus and cheese. Also had a heap of salad.
I love bubbly cheese. For some reason, this smelled exactly like pizza!
I started having some “anniversary anxiety” last night and once it began, I couldn’t seem to stop it. February of 2009 is when I had my meltdown, and it was no minor event. One day I was at school hiding in my room and digging my fingernails into my arms, the next day my dad and I were driving across the George Washington bridge, heading home, where I would be for six months. It all happened so fast, and this is the first time I have really begun to process what, precisely, happened. I’m sort of creating a narrative in my head and just trying to place things chronologically and understand why everything became so unbearable. I ended up crying myself to sleep last night just thinking about that moment in my life. I tried every trick that I knew; I talked kindly to myself (out loud, even), repeated the mantra “you aren’t alone this time” and tried to breathe deeply. Nothing worked. Eventually I emailed my therapist telling her how scared and sad and lonely I was feeling and she sent me the most wonderful, soothing response. We emailed back and forth during the day (how awesome is it that she doesn’t mind doing that), and one of the things she said that stuck out to me the most was this:
“The sad part of you is surfacing now, but it need not scare you. You have other parts as well… maybe even some wonderful ones that have yet to be seen!”
Very true, and very comforting. I understand that I have sad parts and dark parts and complicated memories, but I need not be scared of them. What a simple, yet powerful, thought.
Has anyone ever said something so clear yet so important to you? When you are experiencing a moment of panic, how do you bring yourself back to a safe, happy place? What does such a place even look like?
My safe space looks like a melange of different physically happy places from my life: a snow-covered hiking trail near my house in Michigan, the lit-up Parliament in Ottawa at Christmas, the most perfect meadow in Northern Michigan, my street corner in New York.
Happy Friday everyone, and have a splendid weekend!