Today’s Mini Goal: Make a concrete plan/schedule for the weekend so that I don’t feel lonely on Valentine’s Day! Melissa blogged about a meetup for runners at Jack Rabbit Sports this Sunday, which sounds fun. Anyone know more about this?
Update on mini goals: The no snacking after dinner has been going really well. I have been trying to make sure I get plenty of fat and protein in my day, and I really haven’t been hungry after dinner (except last night; I had two mugs of cereal, but I was super active so I think it was just catch-up hunger). I didn’t call an old friend today, but I did talk to the guy I went out with last weekend, and that was by no means easy for me, so I think that counts. 🙂 I tried the new veggie (chayote squash) and made some fun meals this weekend too.
No running for me today! I did Level One of the shred to get me going in the morning and walked quite a bit, but no other exercise. I think that in the last few years, I’ve been a wee bit exercise obsessed. Note to self: a day off once a week is good for your body. You work hard; you have good endurance and strength and you get more than enough activity in your days. Calm down.
I’ll be quick with today’s eats (by the way, I only show you guys highlights, by no means everything. Would you be interested in seeing a full day of eating?) so we can get to Therapy Mondays…
New loaf of bread: hazelnut sourdough. Isn’t that lone little nut adorable?
Pumpkin butter peek-a-boo:
I’ve really been enjoying making my dinners aesthetically pleasing lately. I don’t really have time to do this with breakfast or lunch, but it’s fun with dinner. Tonight’s work of art (ish):
Random sauteed veggie pile (I think onion, mushroom, spinach, broccoli, carrot) topped with sunflower shoots and avocado. I had Applegate chicken tenders on the side and a cute little clementine.
These veggies had a wonderfully deep and rich flavor. Maybe it’s the coconut oil? I didn’t even use very much, probably less than a teaspoon…
Hello sunflower shoot!
With my lovely little tulips:
Last night I had a really sudden and almost upsetting realization that inconsistency freaks me out. A lot. For example, the guy I keep telling you about is really sweet and it seems like he might want to hang out again, but he is inconsistent; sometimes he responds to my texts, sometimes not; sometimes he sounds really enthusiastic, other times he sounds uninterested. My issue is not that I desperately want him to be interested in me (it’s perfectly fine if he isn’t), I just want him to be clear about how he feels and what he wants. I myself may not be the best at this. Maybe I just like feeling like I’m in control. I had a somewhat disrupted childhood — a very loving but highly unpredictable family. Our plans were always delayed or cancelled or changed around and I hated this. If we were supposed to leave for vacation at ten AM on Saturday, that really meant two PM. Which meant that we would be late and I would be upset. This is itself isn’t a big deal, but there were larger issues surrounding the inconsistencies. I used to try to remedy my confusion by doing things that were repetitive; things I could easily grasp. On long car rides I would count out loud endlessly; I would get up into the thousands and then throw a fit if someone spoke and made me lose my place. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before, but my parents are divorced. Going back and forth between my mom’s house and my dad’s apartment was scary for me, and I usually resisted the transfer very vocally. There’s something about having two beds and two bathrooms and one is clean and one is messy and one is red and one is white and the phone book is in one place here and the ladles are in another place there. I love my parents dearly, but this arrangement was difficult. Once, when I was older (probably at least fifteen), I got food poisoning while I was at my dad’s apartment. I woke up in the middle of the night and sprinted to run to the bathroom. I spent a few seconds trying to find the light switch, and eventually gave up and puked all over the floor. I despised myself for this. Why couldn’t things be the same everywhere? If things around me are changing, does this mean I am changing?
Dating will not be consistent. Men will not always be consistent. This is part of the reason why these things are so inexplicably terrifying to me. But at the same time, I am beginning to trust that at the end of the day, I will always have myself to come back to. I told my therapist that I often feel like there is something wrong with me as a woman, and I’m so happy that I was able to vocalize this feeling. She asked me what I see as ideal in a woman and one of the first things that came to my head was “I want to be a woman who is feminine and flirtatious, but retains her personality and character and intelligence.” I like this idea. As I was telling her about all of my (perceived) womanly defects, she stopped me and pointed out that I’m a great student, a diligent worker, and a dedicated runner. In evaluating myself as a woman, I had completely overlooked these things. Maybe I was thinking they somehow weren’t involved in my womanhood, if that’s a word. But I can’t leave these things behind, and I don’t want to. I am not sure how I will move forward in the world of men and relationships and sex and fear (for me at least), but I think that at this point, I know what’s going on with me well enough to be able to navigate what comes my way. This realization is comforting, but also a bit nauseating.
I cry pretty much every week, but more so than usual today. I am always really physically exhausted after therapy, and since it’s in the middle of the day it sort of throws things off. Part of my solution to this dilemma is frozen yogurt. I think all the crying and emotional purging might somehow affect my blood sugar. I don’t know if this is scientifically valid, but without fail, I want frozen yogurt after every session, and I usually stop and get some on the way home. It’s not a problem or anything, since I recognize it as a treat and keep my lunch light and my dinner healthy afterwards. Does anyone else experience weird physical feelings after going to therapy?
One other thing I was thinking about today, as I was balling my eyes out on my therapist’s very comfortable couch, was this: how do therapists stay sane? Seriously, if I had to listen to people who are stressed out and sad as I am all day every day, I don’t think I’d survive. I understand that there must be some kind of gratification involved in helping others, but still. It just seems like it would be incredibly draining? Any therapists out there who have thoughts on this?
Questions of the day: What is your occupation (s) and what do you do to stay sane?
I am a busy student and part time worker (9-10 hours a week) and I make sure to give myself lots of different rewards; everything from a latte to a new fitness magazine to a museum outing or a massage. Or a cookie, of course. 🙂