Therapy Monday!

Today’s Mini Goal: Make a concrete plan/schedule for the weekend so that I don’t feel lonely on Valentine’s Day!  Melissa blogged about a meetup for runners at Jack Rabbit Sports this Sunday, which sounds fun.  Anyone know more about this?

Update on mini goals: The no snacking after dinner has been going really well.  I have been trying to make sure I get plenty of fat and protein in my day, and I really haven’t been hungry after dinner (except last night; I had two mugs of cereal, but I was super active so I think it was just catch-up hunger).  I didn’t call an old friend today, but I did talk to the guy I went out with last weekend, and that was by no means easy for me, so I think that counts. 🙂 I tried the new veggie (chayote squash)  and made some fun meals this weekend too.

No running for me today!  I did Level One of the shred to get me going in the morning and walked quite a bit, but no other exercise.  I think that in the last few years, I’ve been a wee bit exercise obsessed.  Note to self: a day off once a week is good for your body.  You work hard; you have good endurance and strength and you get more than enough activity in your days.  Calm down.

I’ll be quick with today’s eats (by the way, I only show you guys highlights, by no means everything.  Would you be interested in seeing a full day of eating?) so we can get to Therapy Mondays…

New loaf of bread: hazelnut sourdough.  Isn’t that lone little nut adorable?

Pumpkin butter peek-a-boo:

I’ve really been enjoying making my dinners aesthetically pleasing lately.  I don’t really have time to do this with breakfast or lunch, but it’s fun with dinner.  Tonight’s work of art (ish):

Random sauteed veggie pile (I think onion, mushroom, spinach, broccoli, carrot) topped with sunflower shoots and avocado.  I had Applegate chicken tenders on the side and a cute little clementine.

These veggies had a wonderfully deep and rich flavor.  Maybe it’s the coconut oil?  I didn’t even use very much, probably less than a teaspoon…

Hello sunflower shoot!

With my lovely little tulips:

Therapy Monday:

Last night I had a really sudden and almost upsetting realization that inconsistency freaks me out.  A lot.  For example, the guy I keep telling you about is really sweet and it seems like he might want to hang out again, but he is inconsistent; sometimes he responds to my texts, sometimes not; sometimes he sounds really enthusiastic, other times he sounds uninterested.  My issue is not that I desperately want him to be interested in me (it’s perfectly fine if he isn’t), I just want him to be clear about how he feels and what he wants.  I myself may not be the best at this.  Maybe I just like feeling like I’m in control.  I had a somewhat disrupted childhood — a very loving but highly unpredictable family.  Our plans were always delayed or cancelled or changed around and I hated this.  If we were supposed to leave for vacation at ten AM on Saturday, that really meant two PM.  Which meant that we would be late and I would be upset.  This is itself isn’t a big deal, but there were larger issues surrounding the inconsistencies.  I used to try to remedy my confusion by doing things that were repetitive; things I could easily grasp.  On long car rides I would count out loud endlessly; I would get up into the thousands and then throw a fit if someone spoke and made me lose my place.  I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before, but my parents are divorced.  Going back and forth between my mom’s house and my dad’s apartment was scary for me, and I usually resisted the transfer very vocally.  There’s something about having two beds and two bathrooms and one is clean and one is messy and one is red and one is white and the phone book is in one place here and the ladles are in another place there.  I love my parents dearly, but this arrangement was difficult.  Once, when I was older (probably at least fifteen), I got food poisoning while I was at my dad’s apartment.  I woke up in the middle of the night and sprinted to run to the bathroom.  I spent a few seconds trying to find the light switch, and eventually gave up and puked all over the floor.  I despised myself for this.  Why couldn’t things be the same everywhere?  If things around me are changing, does this mean I am changing?

Dating will not be consistent.  Men will not always be consistent.  This is part of the reason why these things are so inexplicably terrifying to me.  But at the same time, I am beginning to trust that at the end of the day, I will always have myself to come back to.  I told my therapist that I often feel like there is something wrong with me as a woman, and I’m so happy that I was able to vocalize this feeling.  She asked me what I see as ideal in a woman and one of the first things that came to my head was “I want to be a woman who is feminine and flirtatious, but retains her personality and character and intelligence.”  I like this idea.  As I was telling her about all of my (perceived) womanly defects, she stopped me and pointed out that I’m a great student, a diligent worker, and a dedicated runner.  In evaluating myself as a woman, I had completely overlooked these things.  Maybe I was thinking they somehow weren’t involved in my womanhood, if that’s a word.  But I can’t leave these things behind, and I don’t want to.  I am not sure how I will move forward in the world of men and relationships and sex and fear (for me at least), but I think that at this point, I know what’s going on with me well enough to be able to navigate what comes my way.  This realization is comforting, but also a bit nauseating.

I cry pretty much every week, but more so than usual today.  I am always really physically exhausted after therapy, and since it’s in the middle of the day it sort of throws things off.  Part of my solution to this dilemma is frozen yogurt.  I think all the crying and emotional purging might somehow affect my blood sugar.  I don’t know if this is scientifically valid, but without fail, I want frozen yogurt after every session, and I usually stop and get some on the way home.  It’s not a problem or anything, since I recognize it as a treat and keep my lunch light and my dinner healthy afterwards.  Does anyone else experience weird physical feelings after going to therapy?

One other thing I was thinking about today, as I was balling my eyes out on my therapist’s very comfortable couch, was this: how do therapists stay sane?  Seriously, if I had to listen to people who are stressed out and sad as I am all day every day, I don’t  think I’d survive.  I understand that there must be some kind of gratification involved in helping others, but still. It just seems like it would be incredibly draining?  Any therapists out there who have thoughts on this?

Questions of the day:  What is your occupation (s) and what do you do to stay sane?

I am a busy student and part time worker (9-10 hours a week) and I make sure to give myself lots of different rewards; everything from a latte to a new fitness magazine to a museum outing or a massage.  Or a cookie, of course. 🙂

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20 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Diana (Soap & Chocolate)
    Feb 08, 2010 @ 22:24:52

    Sorry to hear you’re having a weepy kind of day. I’ve had those too. 😦 But I love this: “But at the same time, I am beginning to trust that at the end of the day, I will always have myself to come back to.” You should take tremendous comfort in that. You want consistency? Well you can give yourself that much and that’s for certain! 🙂

    Reply

  2. Erin
    Feb 08, 2010 @ 22:35:02

    Right now, I’m blessed to only work a few hours a day freelancing before my big trip next week. Once I get back from the trip in April, it’s time to hunt for a REAL full-time job. Eeek!

    Sorry you’re having a sad day — it’s definitely something we all experience now and then — but those beautiful flowers should certainly help. 🙂

    Reply

  3. theprocessofhealing
    Feb 08, 2010 @ 22:42:56

    First, congrats on doing well with your mini goals!!! Calling a guy is HARD!!! I’m alone for V-Day too so I can relate girlie. I’m making plans too.. enjoy yourself!
    Your dinner looks awesome!
    I’m enjoying making my meals look “pretty” too. Something I never thought about pre-bloggie.
    Gorgeous flowers!!
    And your body FOR SURE needs rest. I have proof… my stress fracture may or may not have (but probably not) happened, had I listened to my body and rested. Oh well. You live, you learn. And you share what you learned with others 🙂

    And about the therapy, I think it would be hard to be a therapist, but never boring.

    I’m sorry about your day and the dating issues. I can relate and I understand. I know people usually say that and they don’t really.. but I actually do. I grew up the same way. NOTHING was consistent. Now, i’m kind of OCD about it. I like to have a plan. I have to know what’s going to happen. Even if i’m going on vacation, I like to plan out what i’m going to do. I want everything in its place. And with dating, I’ve had the SAME experience. Oh boy. This was the first guy that I really liked after getting out of a 4 year long relationship. So… hello big step. And he was all into me at first, asking me out, wanting to see me really badly, texting me all of the time. And I was kind of hesitant about it because of being hurt in the past. I gave it a shot, went out with him one time, and fell HARD. and i mean HARD. And then we went out again and it was great. And then… well he kind of faded away. Stopped texting me and calling me so i would text him. sometimes he would respond, sometimes not. I didn’t understand. how do you go from being crazy about someone to that… So based on advice from my friends and family, I let it go and didn’t chase after him as hard as it was and as much as it broke my heart. He finally let me know that he was sorry, liked me a lot but didn’t want a relationship right now. And I resigned myself to the fact that it was over. And then about 2 weeks later he texted me and told me that he missed me… and what did i do? I fell for it. The cycle started over again. We went out, he was crazy about me, and then BAM… stopped calling. And this time I learned… that’s just him. That’s just how he is. Some guys are like that, some aren’t. I met a guy who is totally opposite of that and I love it. Do I still have feelings for said previous guy? Oh yeah. But you gotta learn that sometimes you are better than that. We deserve better.

    Gee, sorry for such a long comment 🙂 but my thoughts are with you!

    Reply

  4. pen
    Feb 08, 2010 @ 22:59:50

    when I was in school and in therapy, I would be so exhausted at the end that I would have to take a 1-2 hour nap following a session. I felt like I was literally drained of any energy.

    Interestingly, naps are how I deal with my job now too. I’m a public defender, so I deal with poverty, and despair, and murder, and sexual assault and child molestation on a daily basis. It is exhausting. The only way I stay sane is by napping when I get home from work. Something about a nap resets my system. (Also, I rely on my coworkers for support. Usually because of attorney-client privilege, I can’t even talk to anyone about what is going on at work, so I have to find solace in my coworkers…)

    I just want to tell you how amazing, real, and raw your blog is. I am in awe of the honesty and vulnerability you show by blogging about your struggles. I really wish I had that strength. Keep doing what you are doing, you seem like a great woman!

    Reply

  5. EE
    Feb 09, 2010 @ 00:18:24

    Naps are part of my arsenal . . . so are music, dancing (awkwardly), running, inane TV shows, and talking to my mom and dad (or my grandparents, for that matter).

    I think you probably know what I do, but: second year joint law degree-MHA student; unpaid federal judge intern. I’m working this summer at a large law firm.

    I wish I had answers as far as men are concerned. The only (VERY TRITE) thing I know is true is that being happy with yourself comes first. And then if you stay open to opportunity, you never know what will come your way. I mean, I didn’t expect to marry the boy who pulled my braids in first grade…. talk about weird.

    Reply

  6. Joanne
    Feb 09, 2010 @ 07:09:12

    Whoa, long post and so much I want to say in response.

    First of all – days off are key! I take one every week. They are so good for your muscles, which need time to repair after all of the microtears we put them through while exercising! Also, that bread looks amazing!

    Next. Dating and control issues. I definitely have those as well. It’s so hard to relinquish control to others and when you date someone you definitely have to do that sometimes. I like having certain things be exactly the same. Like every morning, I have my same breakfast in the exact same order and I blog and get up early and I love it. If I dated someone and he stayed over, it would disrupt that. And that makes me anxious. Really anxious. But I just kind of hope that when I find the right person, I will want to be with him so much that all of these fears will go out the window. Hopefully. Maybe. Sigh. No good advice here since I am pretty screwed up about this stuff. But I empathize. Is the point.

    Reply

  7. Tina
    Feb 09, 2010 @ 07:53:20

    I, too, like consistency and plans and HATE if something doesn’t follow that routine. I think it is what causes me the most stress and grief, that I can’t just go with the flow sometimes. I’m glad you are figuring these things out for yourself 🙂 We all deserve to be happy and fulfilled. What keeps me sane during stressful and hard situations is honestly my faith. I’ve been through depression and it was what ultimately got me out of it.

    Reply

  8. prettytimepiece
    Feb 09, 2010 @ 07:54:20

    I know exactly what you mean by trying to control things & craving “consistency”. my boyfriend & i were actually talking about something relating to this last night! like I have a lot of trouble with looking at many options and giving myself time to explore things and not make a decision right away – my default instinct is to seize onto anything and make it all or nothing, the best thing or the worst thing. i HATE the unknown/change :\

    your counting to a thousand made me smile. i still do little weird things like that, lol

    hope your tuesday is good ❤

    http://www.prettytimepiece.org

    Reply

  9. themilkfreeway
    Feb 09, 2010 @ 08:26:17

    Well done on the mini-goals! Great stuff 🙂 Your dinner photos are so pretty – I am lazy, I just cook and eat. I sympathise with your inconsistency issues, my family were similar – always late for everything. I never knew when I was going to be picked up from parties or after school clubs. Lol, woe is me 😛 but yeah, I’m similar in finding change difficult now, I like things to be familiar and predictable. Usually when I DO take risks it turns out well though, so I’m slowly sorting myself out! My occupation is…um, nothing! I don’t work or go to school, I study through distance learning. It’s frustrating but essential for me not to throw myself back into full time anything right now, I have to make sure I’m ready for it first. I have NO idea how therapists stay sane. I think they must be superhuman.

    Reply

  10. Heather
    Feb 09, 2010 @ 09:02:55

    I think a nice latte reward can do a ton to keep you sane!! 🙂

    Reply

  11. Jasmine @ Eat Move Write
    Feb 09, 2010 @ 11:25:00

    My husband has a degree in psychology. He tends to be extremely non-emotional as a person. Not to say he isn’t affectionate. He’s very affectionate. But, he doesn’t get excited (like I do), and he also is slow to anger.

    I think detachment is one of the therapists weapons. Not sure if it’s natural for everyone or if they actually have to learn that.

    I crave consistency too. You make a really good point about coming ‘back to yourself’ at the end of the day. So true. I think a Vday run is a great idea. There’s nothing better than doing something good for yourself on such a commercial (ridiculous) holiday like Vday.

    Reply

  12. Gabriela @ Une Vie Saine
    Feb 09, 2010 @ 14:59:06

    Sorry to hear it’s been an emotional day- we all have them! I’ve observed that food/health bloggers tend to be very type-A, planning people. I’m no different! I get so anxious whenever things don’t go as planned. It’s something I discuss with my therapist, as well 🙂 I’ve actually asked her how she deals with people crying and being stressed out all the time, and she told me it does get to her sometimes, but it’s mostly patience! Hope you get through this 🙂

    Reply

  13. Sarah
    Feb 09, 2010 @ 15:21:38

    I’m glad you decided to take a day off…I used to take exercise to the extremes and frequently damaged my body. It can be quite fragile and is worth taking care of.

    Sarah x

    Reply

  14. blueeyedheart
    Feb 09, 2010 @ 16:54:05

    There is a reason why therapists need therapy, I suppose! 😉 I’m sorry you had a “weepy” kind of day — I hope today went better for you. I can really relate to this:

    want to be a woman who is feminine and flirtatious, but retains her personality and character and intelligence.

    It’s so easy to say, “I’m lacking in [this area], but so much harder to pinpoint exactly WHY you feel that way.

    As for staying sane — I don’t think I do that! I work full-time, I go to school full-time, and I am just trying to keep up the facade of a sane individual. Because, clearly, I am not one. :p

    ❤ ❤

    Reply

  15. Jamie Walker
    Feb 09, 2010 @ 20:26:52

    Its good to take a day off once in awhile (and eat a pint of ice cream ;)). I often have to remind myself to take a day off from the workouts, I can get a little nutty.

    Reply

  16. Jenna @ Healthy. Happy. Well.
    Feb 09, 2010 @ 22:37:12

    I’m in a weepy sort of mood also, but working out definitely helps. Great blog girl!

    Reply

  17. sonia
    Feb 10, 2010 @ 10:45:52

    Kudos to you for being so HONEST about your feelings. I go through weepy spells too… and back when I was seeing a therapist, something about just BEING in that office make me break down, every single time. Frozen Yogurt sounds like a good treat though- I think crying does physically and internally affect us. I always get a major headache when I cry…

    I hope you are doing better now!

    Reply

  18. oatsandchocolate
    Feb 10, 2010 @ 12:15:15

    hey thank you so much for your happy birthday to me! first of all that hazelnut bread is totally looking amazing right now. second- im sorry you arent having the best of days, but that happens to the best of all of us 😉 i have gone through so many phases of just crying and crying! but its so good to just take a day off and have a nice relaxing time. naps & froyo are definately key! have a great night xoxo soph

    Reply

  19. Lara (Thinspired)
    Feb 10, 2010 @ 13:54:50

    Hi! Thanks for commenting on my blog 🙂
    I struggle with after-dinner snacking, too! It’s such a hard habit to break. I find though that if I eat ENOUGH at dinner, I am less tempted to snack.
    Hazelnut sourdough…I’ve never heard of such a thing but it sounds DELICIOUS.

    Reply

  20. Foodie (Fab and Delicious Food)
    Feb 10, 2010 @ 19:17:52

    I like making my meals aesthetically pleasing as well! It’s a large focus of my blog! Well not as much lately, just because I’ve been in a blogging funk, but most of the time! I just like the challenge and creativity it involves!

    I like when things are consistent because you always know what to expect, you can count on things. I think when things are inconsistent, it’s like you (not you specifically, just speaking about people in general) worry a bit more – there are more what if’s – what if this goes wrong, what if this goes bad, so a lot of time might be spent worrying about what might happen. And I also think that when things are inconsistent, it can make us uncomfortable because we view things more as temporary, not permanent, not something that we can trust to be counted on.

    I do think that crying is very draining. So yes, it makes sense to eat after a huge cry, just to kind of refuel your energy so-to-speak, and also, it just seems like it would be soothing to eat some frozen yogurt after a good cry.

    Yes, I think it would be nice to be a therapist and know that you are helping people, but it would also be a lot to handle day in, day out, even though you are trained to handle these things. I think that therapists probably have to have a way to detach when they go home, when the work day is over. Otherwise, they will carry all of this with them into their personal lives. Actually, I think this is true of any job. At the end of the day, you have to be able to separate your work life from your personal life, so that you can give each the due attention they need.

    Reply

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