Today’s Mini Goal: Per Monica‘s February Health Goal, I am going to work on putting an end to unnecessary after dinner/late night snacking. Ocassionally, I’m hungry, but I think this is primarily an emotional issue. I feel lonely, bored, or worthless, so I consume food. Not a ridiculous amount, typically — I don’t binge, or anything, but I just want to work on addressing the actual cause rather than covering it with food, and practicing listening to my body.
So, as you may have noticed, January’s positive notes have morphed into February mini goals! I am going to try to focus on something relatively small (today’s is sort of an exception) each day. I’m not going to be mad at myself for not achieving everything; I just want to be aware and have the ideas/plans in my head.
No “exercise” today, but I ended up walking about four miles to stretch out my leggies a little, and I might do some abs tonight. Lots of speedwork tomorrow!
Last night’s dinner: steamed sweet potato with cinnamon, salad, and a new stir-fry invention: pineapple, carrot, cashews, tofu, soy sauce, and crushed red pepper. Muy tasty.
Overnight OIAJ perfection. Layers of oats, pumpkin yogurt, pumpkin, and cinnamon. Nom nom nom.
By the way, you should know that I sliced open my thumb trying to scrape the paper of the jar (it was Maranatha) so that you could see my creation. That’s food blogger dedication.
Baking happy face!
Banana walnut chocolate chip bread for Cindy, the highest bidder for my baked good from Diana’s Bake Sale for Haiti!
I have been so in love with dried pineapple lately. It feels like I’m eating a little piece of sunshine.
It’s Therapy Monday!
In the spirit of full disclosure, I just wanted to note that I don’t mention everything I’m working on in therapy on the blog. Although I love all my new blog friends and am totally open to sharing my experiences, I don’t want to share things that involve family members or friends that they might not want shared.
We mostly talked about boys (men?) during today’s session. I’ve done a little dating in the last few years, but not very much. To be honest, it is something that makes me both fearful and anxious. Because I hated myself — my body, my personality, my thoughts — for so long, I assumed that everyone else, including potential romantic partners, would hate me too. Apparently, this is wrong! Of course it’s wrong. Well, I don’t actually mean wrong in a harsh way, but it was sort of distorted thinking. I was telling my therapist about how I feel like I’ve just been having more conversations and interactions with guys lately, and she helped me realize that maybe they were always interested (not everyone, of course, but perhaps a few people), I was just too closed off to notice. I think this is probably true. Actually, my mom told me something similar about a year ago, but I think that was when I was in my deepest throes of self-loathing and unesteem, and I absolutely didn’t believe her. Now, I think there’s a posssibility that I am not so horrible. This is a major improvement for me. I even hung out with a boy over the weekend. For quite a long time, I thought that not only did I deserve to be alone, but that my deep feelings of sadness over this painful existence were merely part of my lot in life. I’m an extremely emotional creature, and I think that I need someone to share this with. I have my close friends, of course, and certainly my family members (I fiercely maintain that my mother has always been and will always be my best friend), but it might also be nice to have a new kind of relationship in my life. I have come to the conclusion that this is something I am both ready for (finally) and desirous of. I also think I have begun to understand some of the things I am looking for — not an extensive understanding, but a beginning, nonetheless. Most of all, I want to know someone who is deeply passionate about things in their life. I find this very attractive. He doesn’t need to have the same passions as me — running, baking, books, for example — but he needs to love something very deeply. Maybe I see this as an innate proof that he will be able to love me. I’m not sure. Whatever the case is, this is something that I am finally truly ready to delve into, and I think that therpay has given me the confidence I needed for this.
Now, how do I meet one of these men…
After classes today I was feeling really anxious — my evening schedule wasn’t working out exactly as I had planned it, and this always upset me. So I went for a walk around my neighborhood, and stumbled across the peace garden next to the Cathedral Church of St. John the Divine. I’ve been to both the garden and the cathedral before, bu they seemed to be saying new things to me today. I see a (light-hearted) post about spirituality in my future. The garden, the fountain, the miniature animal sculptures, the massive and ornate church all immediately calmed me down. I was a little awe-struck by it all, actually. I took lots of pictures to remind myself of the beauty and happiness all around me.
Until tomorrow my friends. Have a happy Tuesday!