Today’s Positive Note: I’m honest. Sometimes to a fault, actually. I can’t stand lying or witnessing people lie or just general dishonesty. Although I try not to judge others’ choices.
Today was a rest (ish) day. I did 30 minutes of yoga and 20 minutes of strength training from Gina’s Intro to Iron Pumping. I did the shoulders, chest, and triceps workout, with ab moves in between most of her move. I was seaty and shaky by the end! Definitely a good, quick strength workout.
I was really proud of myself for making up my own flows for yoga. I just did it on the mats at the gym (ew), but it still felt like a nice little yoga practice. I was happy about it. And I didn’t fall on my face during side crow!
Eats: nothing interesting except dinner (besides some yummy frozen yogurt in the afternoon…). A version of yesterday’s open faced sammie, this time with hummus, roasted veggies, and cheddar, a side salad with avocado, and a pile of cottage cheese. For some reason I really wanted cottage cheese with dinner, so I went with it.
Anyways, you guys know what today is. Therapy Monday!
I probably cried harder today than I have in months. I wasn’t even unhappy — I went in intending to tell my therapist about the nice guy I met, and how much fun I let myself have over the weekend. But somewhere along the road, that got lost. I almost always end up talking about my family (whom I love more than anything in this world). We are — how shall I say this — a little bit messed up, I guess? Apparently, I am not responsible for other people’s happiness. I think I have probably talked about this with my therapist before, but it didn’t really sink in until today. It doesn’t matter how close someone is to me — a best friend, a sister, a coworker (fyi, those are purely random examples; I’m not implicating anybody) — they are in charge of their own happiness. I do not need to ensure that they are happy! What a novel revelation. What I do need to ensure is that I am happy. This seems obvious, but for someone who spent YEARS thinking that unhappiness was meant to be a part of everyday life, it’s a big thing to grasp. It’s definitely something that I’ve been trying to tackle in small ways: for example, taking myself out for a cookie or calling an old friend or trying a new style of poetry. It’s a conscious effort, but so far I’m enjoying it 🙂
It was a little bit jarring to go in thinking I was going to be talking about one thing and to go down a slightly more painful road once I got there. It’s funny how things just sort of come up out of us; sometimes I don’t feel like I have control over what’s going to come out of me in therapy. For the most part, this is quite a good thing and keeps me on my toes. This is kind of a really gross analogy, but once during high school when my best friend (who is also a writer) was going through some difficult moments, she wrote a poem in which she realized that everything was suddenly coming out at once, like vomit. Yeah. I don’t really know how else to explain it.
But at the same time that everything is spewing out of me, I also feel a very distinct happiness: how joyful that I have had so many experiences and known so many people in my life. I have a lot of memories. Not all of them lyrical or soft, but interesting, nonetheless. I’m not messed up, I just think I have more things to uncover than most people.
I shall leave you guys there for now.
Have a good Tuesday!