Falling.

Today’s Positive Note: I am creative.  I have unique ideas, solutions, and contributions to make to the world in a variety of areas.  I have big dreams to use my creativity to make the world a better and more just place.

Day 2 of classes: check.  It wasn’t too bad, except for a seminar on global justice in which the teacher literally started the class by asking us what the solution to Haiti is.  She then proceeded to quiz us about justice like we were on trial at the International Criminal Court.  Wish me luck with that one.

I’m taking a class on short prose forms (ok, so I’m not technically in it yet because it’s full, but I’m just going to keep going until the teacher lets me in) which I’m really excited about.  I write a lot of prose poems and am interested in learning more about the opportunities that the structure provides. 

Lunch in a single word: phenomenal. 

Why yes, that is indeed peanut butter and pumpkin butter on dried mango slices.  With a side of hot chocolate.  Actually, I’m pretty sure every meal today has included hot chocolate.  It’s a hormone thing.

Today was a cross training day.  Twenty minutes of stair climbing and a mile of power walking (I also typically walk a few more miles throughout the day).  Possibly with some yoga thrown in for fun tonight.  I’ve really been the feeling headstands lately, and balance poses like crow and tree.  And half moon.  I LOVE half-moon.

Storytime: It was around this time last year that things began to fall apart for me.  By early to mid February, I knew I was breaking, and by trying to save myself — trying to correct myself, even — I made things worse.  By the end of February, I knew that I had to let myself break.  It’s like falling, I guess — have you ever plummeted into the grass from a swing?  If you go delicately and do not try to stop yourself, the fall will not be so painful.  I came to a point where I realized I must not try to stop myself any longer.  It was almost like I was walking towards a cliff, and okay, here is the cliff, and okay, here is the blindfold you must tie around your own eyes.  Rather than try to back out of such a precarious position, the only thing to do is let yourself fall.  Be a ballerina on the way down, or a parrot.  Whatever you need.  But let yourself fall, and eventually you can come up again through your own ashes.  The  breaking of your own self is hard to witness (terrifying), but also deeply satisfying.  Not in a sick way, but in a raw, pure way: you have shattered, and the task of placing each shard of yourself into beautiful, new irises and lillies is full of growth.  I think this is what happened last winter.  To this day, I am incredibly proud of my decision to leave school, to take the fall and to let myself heal afterwards.  Bones grow back.  Skin and feathers; all that grows back with time.  I let myself break, fall, shatter, plummet.  But I have also let myself grow.

Okay, that’s what I have been thinking about the past few days.  Although I am a very different, very much stronger person than I was last year, I am afraid that bad things will happen again.  But at the same time, I know that I will be okay.  Our brains work a little bit paradoxically sometimes, I guess.

Practiced taking fun light/dark/shadowy/blurry pictures tonight:

That’s all for tonight I suppose.  I’m really enjoying the evening postings.  I plan on continuing with that.  Off to dinner I go!

Have you ever “fallen”?  What circumstances or events in your life have made you a stronger person?

Totally unrelated question: what’s the best lunch you’ve ever had?

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. corie
    Jan 20, 2010 @ 19:43:16

    One of the most valuable lessons that I have learned in life thus far is to not fear falling. You might fall once, twice, ten times. Within those experiences springs forth a strength that is not always obvious- but it is a resilience that, in time, will help ease the fear. For a lot of people (myself included), falling is part of who they are. It is how you deal with that falling that determines how happy you are or can be in life. You learn to love yourself, dark parts included, and as life unfurls that strength pops out in places and situations that you never imagined. You’re well on your way (and waaay more mature and wise about it than I was at your age).

    Reply

  2. Stef @ moretolifethanlettuce
    Jan 20, 2010 @ 22:06:16

    the 2nd to last pic is so pretty, can’t take my eyes off of it! i never ever would have tried that mango combo, but it sounds really good (and looks great too!)

    Reply

  3. Averie (LoveVeggiesAndYoga)
    Jan 21, 2010 @ 00:50:24

    This:peanut butter and pumpkin butter on dried mango slices
    Is DEFINITELY the best use of dried mangos I have ever seen. Period. Seriously.

    This is going to go into rotation b/c my child loves dried mangos and I’d love to schmear on pumpkin butter (which i hoard in the fall season from TJ’s…LOL) and PB.

    GREAT idea!!!!

    Reply

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